Lost my partner of 30 years to cancer 5 months ago. It was only 6 weeks from diagnosis to her death. It was so fast. So shocking. She was my best friend. My everything. We knew each other ever since we were kids. I feel like my entire history has just disappeared. Having to weather all of the holidays and both of our birthdays during these first few months has made things all the more difficult. I have just been holding my breath and hanging on trying not to die myself. I am finally feeling like I may be able to breathe a little bit. Relieved that there at least will be no more "anniversary days" clubbing me over the head every time I turn around now until July. I feel like I have room now to feel things more cleanly. I know I would really benefit from the support of people who truly understand what this is like. How all-encompassing it is. How deeply agonizing it is. This is more difficult than words can express.
Kat11, First let me say how very sorry I am for your loss. Nothing in life prepares us for losing our soul mate. It hits so fast and so hard. All the sudden our lives are changed forever. I lost my husband Ron very suddenly 4 years ago to a massive heart attack. There were no warning signs he was totally healthy. So we thought. From not feeling well to losing my wonderful husband and life I loved was only 2 hours. I went into shock and did next to nothing. It was only a few days before Thanksgiving and we had gone out that day to buy everything for our feast. Ron picked the 22 lb turkey himself and said how he couldn’t wait to have some. Life changes in an instant. I know exactly how you’re feeling, but she is still a part of you. You made each other who you became, she lives within you. Different yes but our partners stay with us just in a different way. We can’t touch or hold them but they watch over us and help us through every day things. You’ve come to the right place. Everyone here understands what you’re feeling and there’s never any judgement. Just compassion. Try to get fresh air every day it does help. And visit this site often. Read and share thoughts and stories. You have a whole community of people here who will be here for you and help you though this horribly bump winding road that we’ve all landed on. Sending you hugs, wishing you peace and strength. Robin
Kat, I'm deeply sorry to hear about your soulmate's death from cancer, after 30 yrs. May I ask her name? I believe it's good to say the name to honor the memory of our soulmates. My wife, Linda, died suddenly in front of me in a rehab/ nursing home. She was doing PT to help her walk, while battling breast cancer. One horrible day, she collapsed and died soon after, from a pulmonary embolism. She was 68. We were married 25 years, no children. I was in shock, had PTSD, and couldn't sleep, bc I couldn't get that last image out of my mind. I had to see a grief counselor. That was over 4 yrs ago. She suggested Grief in Common ( GIC), but I didn't join until July, 2021. Glad I did, bc I've met many widow sisters & widower brothers here. I see by your info that you live in Minn, as does Deb ( Deborah A). I live on the northern coast of Massachusetts. I used Van Gogh as my user name to get on GIC, bc he was a tortured soul, as I was after Linda died. You've come to the right place, Kat, with kind, nonjudgemental people. Hope you stay with us. Lou
Hi Kat: I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a soulmate is very hard, and most of us have felt like you do. I lost my wife of 35 years after a 16 year battle with brain cancer. For me it was slower, but still painful. I'll echo what others have said: you'll find many people here who have walked the path you are on. They offer an empathetic ear, and sage advice. I hope you will hang around. There's a good group of people who go on the chat, usually in the mornings, EST, if that works for you. I hope you'll consider it. I wish you nothing but peace.
I'm sorry for your loss. Time will continue to help you get stronger with each passing day. Yes talking to people that understand what you are going through will definitely help. Holidays, birthdays and special events definitely makes it harder. My Gants birthday was recently and even after almost 3 years it still hurts not to celebrate those days and things I do with the kids with him. You will have good and bad days. Just take it one day at a time.
In a few weeks it will be 2 years since my wife Valerie died of cancer. She was my best friend and soulmate for 34 years. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with! The people on GIC are very supportive and help me get through every desolate feeling day. One thing that really helps is to try to be kind to yourself. I keeps me trying to try!
Hello Kat, I want to join my friends here, expressing my deepest sympathy for the loss of your soulmate. I was particularly touched by your words :"I feel like my entire history has disappeared". I understand you feel numb now and feel like you've lost your identity, this is the way I have been feeling after losing my husband unexpectedly, at only 57, to a sudden heart attack. We will learn, slowly, gradually, to accept this new existence of ours but our soulmates will still be with us in a different way. Even if we can't see them physically, we remain part of them and they have part of us, our minds are intertwined, we are a fusion, an "all in one" and nothing can take that away, we are what we are because of the life we shared together. That special bond cannot be broken, our love will live forever. Knowing this keeps me going, and GIC has helped me so much, with their empathy and understanding. With my very positive experience here, I think it's absolutely fundamental to release your pain and share your feelings with others who are going through the same grief. Hoping you stay with us. Rose, from Outside US, across the ocean, Italy.
Rose, once again, you've proved to be an inspiration to other Grief Warriors here. I remember when you first joined us. You had to tell the heartbreaking story of your husband's death, your reaction, and that of your kids. Like I do with each potential new member, I asked your husband's first name , to honor his memory. Out of respect for him, you chose to call bim C. I applauded your courage, as you slowly emerged from your shell, to be among people around you in Italy , and to "talk" with us on GIC. You continued to play piano and love music, even though your soulmate, C. , wasn't there physically to enjoy it with you. I was different, in that, like many here, I couldn't listen to ANY song without weeping. One morning, I listened to my favorite blues song, one that I played for Linda, on my cassette player. It's Hootchie Cootchie Man, by Muddy Waters. It's a sassy, funny song from a man who fears nothing. It brought a smile to my face, and a defiant swagger, as I kicked Mr. Grief, as my good friend, Karen, from California, calls him. Now, my world has opened up. I listen to live music, with friends, at my local cafe, and share my stories with people here. You and I , like others here, have come a long way, Rose. Lou
Brother George, the artist known as Lombardo Da Vinci, as you sometimes amusingly call yourself, are, as someone here called you ( I forget who) the UGW, Ultimate Grief Warrior. Not only do you have to endure the pain of mourning for Valerie, after a long, horrible illness, in one of the longest marriages of any others here, but you've had to undergo the physical pain of dialysis, which none of us can imagine. As our brother from Indiana, Gary, says , we have to "Keep on trucking".......LobsterDude from Massachusetts
Nicole, you have been a comfort to both other members , like me, who have been here for a while, but also to potential new members, like Joe, and, now, Kat. I hope they, and other new members, stay with us. I know it's been 3 years since the death of your soulmate, Gant, but you've had to persevere, partly for the sake of your kids, who are also hurting, and partly, to help others here. It's been over 4 years since the shocking, sudden death of my dear soulmate, Linda, after 25 years of marriage. I still cry for her every morning, but push myself out the door, even on cold, dark, or rainy days, to walk in nature, breathe the air, and say a little prayer to God, by the ocean, that I'm still alive. and able to SEE the ocean, in the same spot, that Linda and I did, once upon a time. Lou
Thank you, Lombardo from cold Chicago! We may be in worse shape than you, for a change, this morning. It was 14 below zero, when I woke up. It will warm up to a "balmy" 1, or 2, degrees around noon, so my friend, the leader of our drum circle, will pick me up then, and we'll go to our local cafe to have lunch & listen to a guitarist/ singer do songs from the 60s & 70s, my era. Then, we'll have drum circle. We never know how many people will show up. But, they will be driving, not walking, today. That's for sure! Frozen Lobster Lou
Thanks, BroGeo. Glad to hear your temps are a lot better today. We should be in the high 30s tomorrow, which will be less dangerous than it was this am. F*CK winter!!! Cold Lobsterino Lou
Thank you for your very kind words Lou. If I'm able to be an inspiration, just like you and all other GIC warriors, it's thanks to you and everyone here, for helping me on this extra bumpy, winding, (using Robin's true words) long, long road. I still 'hybernate' often though, this winter is giving me even more reason for doing that. I have to be careful not to become a hermit. We're in for another freezing week, too, starting from tomorrow, and probably more snow . Rose
La Rose, so sorry you may get snow. What happened to sunny Italy? I always thought people from the U.K. would escape to Italy, to escape the "London fog" and rain. But, I forgot your winters can suck, too. As I get older, I'd rather have hot summer weather, wearing shorts, than having to wear layered clothing, snow boots, sweatshirt hoodies, & jackets. When Linda & I traveled down South, many of the states were too humid. In New England, we have more breezes, and it's more comfortable, but, unfortunately, the summers here are too short. Lou
Thank you for your kind words and being so welcoming. I am so sorry for your loss. Such a horrible shock for you. Glad that you sought the help you needed. This is such a difficult road for all of us. My CJ had breast cancer also. We found it late and it was the most aggressive form one can get. Triple negative inflammatory breast cancer. It had spread and she actually died from liver failure. She was 55 years old. I have had horrible trouble sleeping too. Taking medication made me feel worse after a short time. Made me feel more like a zombie. Not taking anything now and feeling better. I am seeing a therapist and that helps a lot. I think coming here will help too.
Robin, I sent you a reply this morning but I don't see it here. Wanted to thank you for your kindness and tell how sorry I am for your loss as well. What a horrible shock for you. So painfully hard. I hope you've been able to navigate your way to some level of peace. I was very moved by you saying, "You made each other who you became. She lives within you." That gives me comfort. Beautiful words that I am going to carry with me. I so appreciate it. Kat
