It’s been three months since I lost my husband to not one but two rare forms of leukemia. He hadn’t been diagnosed a year before he lost his battle. We spent New Years Eve 2022 focussed on how we’d get through his diagnosis, find a bone marrow donor and then of course what our year would look like once he was in recovery. Well so much for that. Yes we found a donor (2 in fact) my husband’s brother and sister and after realising early February my husband had broken his hip (part of his secondary leukemia) his transplant was delayed till April. All went well - it was hell but by early July the doctors thought the transplant was a success. Until late July when he had problems breathing so I rushed him back to hospital. Fluid on the lungs meant chest drains were needed and then another hit of high dose chemo and stem cell top up to try to combat this terrible disease. But then things got worse, more fluid on the lungs, admission to ICU, intubation, lung and kidney failure, extubation then intubation again. ICU Drs didn’t think he’d make it but my kids and I stayed with him for 3 weeks fighting with him. Then the miraculous news that the leukemia was gone. He pulled through- came out of it and started to get better. Then three weeks later, sorry, another bone marrow biopsy (9 in total) says it’s terminal. Two weeks later he was dead. The ups and downs of 2023 have been horrific to say the least. Add to that he passed away just days after our 28th wedding anniversary and a week before my daughter’s 18th and son’s 16th birthdays. Everyone said Christmas would be hard. No really?!? I wouldn’t have guessed. But in fact it wasn’t as bad as we thought- New Years though? This is the killer. How do I start a new year without the love of my life who I met 30 years ago today? I’ve had to be so strong for so long but 3 months on I’m now a mess.
Dear Aussie Canuck, I'm so sorry for the experience you and your family lived through, and now a new year for those memories to be processed. I encourage you to find help if you feel you need it. My only conclusion is that I have to keep my heart open to survive this new year. Your husband sounds like he was a true fighter. He had so much to live for. Sounds like you provided excellent care, and many of us here at GIC know the notable challenges involved in that final labor of love. My partner Edward had waited many years for a kidney transplant, enduring kidney dialysis three times a week. Finally he was notified that he was at the top of the list and ready to proceed with all of the pre-op clearances. During a routine heart catheterization they discovered that he needed heart surgery before he could proceed with a kidney transplant. He did not respond well to the heart surgery and malnutrition set in. What started out as a journey of hope that he'd get the transplant, his other issues just began to pile up, but we never lost hope. So no matter how obviously unhealthy he looked, I was still caught off guard since I'd learned to live with a positive outlook. Suddenly it was as though a giant hammer had cruelly destroyed the life I knew, everything would be different now... It's only been 3 months since your devastating loss. Give yourself plenty of time, grieving is hard work - either you work it, or it works you. You don't have to be strong anymore (or at least get a break for heaven's sake) Take a deep breath. I wish you all the peace you can find during this difficult new year's transition. ~ Michael
