10/11/21: Found the Halloween boxes again going through all the st--t in the garage getting ready for the JunkPeople on Friday...The worst wasn't TB's old Halloween school art, or Rocking Witch, it was the little unopened package of Halloween shaped cookie cutters. Hard to believe Valerie would get so into the holidays, especially Halloween. Why does this make me especially sad? Is it the fool hard Columbius Daye Rain out there or is it my insane guilt that this was all my fault! We could have had so much sully, goofy fun if only I had had a better more fun-loving attitude' instead of always having my nose up a book! The worst part is I'll never really know how much is truly my fault and how much is neurosis. My heart tells me itz all my fault but thatz irrational! Maybe we would have gotten the fun back but if not for her cancer... I know I shouldn't be goin down this should've path on a bleak rainy Mondae but the last of my Old Life Stuff to be disposed of is proving the saddest. Thanks for reading this!
Losing Cheryl suddenly and unexpectedly led me down the same trail of guilt. Cheryl suggested several years ago that we have our own bedroom. If I had been sleeping with her I could have noticed her erratic breathing and done something. While performing CPR at the direction of the 911 operator I thought what a wonderful thing it would be to save Cheryl’s life. After watching the firemen push as hard as they did doing CPR I wondered if I could have done better. Stuck in the video on constant replay was traumatic. After talking to several people who had years of grief recovery that endured the same experience I had to accept it was Cheryl’s destiny. It still haunts me but I believe the negative energy in the universe has its way with us when we are suffering. I’m not a christian but I do practice some christianity. While 11 first responders were in our home trying to save Cheryl I prayed for God’s will. A sister came over yesterday to get a truck load of Cheryl’s antique inventory. She is grinding the business down through the end of the year. All Cheryl’s personal belongings went to charity 2 weeks after she passed. Two sisters have been extremely helpful here. But I grieve every time something went out the door. I made a shrine for Cheryl. It’s my avatar. This is my main attachment to Cheryl now. I’m still triggered by many memories and attachments. Our grief journey will always include a lot of suffering. Here’s a poem I’m hanging onto ; Don’t surrender your loneliness so quickly. Let it cut you more deep. Let it flavor you like no human or divine ingredient can. Something missing in my heart tonight has my eyes so soft my voice so tender my need of God absolutely certain. I was wondering if there are any secular grief support groups? Keep on trucking George. Gary
Livin' on weed, renal vitamins, and caffeine! If I were to reWrite the Dead... Thanks so much for your response Gary! I don't get into the dogmas of organized religion much but I appreciate spirituality and I'm now of the thought that how can someone as a human understand the great beauty and profound peace of the mind of god?! How can we know. I just try to live by my moral compass and according to my values. I had a shrine to Valerie, but since I need to move Itz been packed for now! I am gonna try and send a picture.
Beautiful shrine George. I burned out yesterday trying to follow everybody’s responses. I’ve got to learn how to do this in moderation. Take care. Gary
Thanks man! I just try to follow my pace. The interface is not real easy on here at times. I just click on "Alerts"... peace today and always!
I admire your strong will to survive George. Mom was a Southern Baptist and dad was basically an atheist. I’ve had an identity crisis my whole life. I was told at a young age that I was going to hell if I didn’t go to church by some well meaning relatives. And I didn’t go to church. You’re right who can define God. There is positive energy in the universe though And like you said it’s so much better if you don’t try to define it. That’s one of the reasons I was attracted to Cheryl because she was totally against organized religions. The book radical acceptance by Tara Brack has been a Lifesaver helping to temporarily turn off the head. I just can’t rely on myself George to stay focused in the right direction. I need help. My therapist was sick today and canceled the appointment. I’m only going only once a month. I schedule once a month because if I have a meltdown it’s a lot easier and quicker to get in. I took Cheryl‘s car to the Ford dealer for a regular service. My brain was foggy like The mind of a cold reptile. I stopped at an auto parts store and had some quality wiper blades because the Ford dealer puts cheap blades on. I was glad to get home. I hope you find a really good place to move to. I know the housing market sucks right now. Take care bro I hope I haven’t been too negative. Gary
I was sort of raised kinda catholic by a Lutheran mother. My 90 year old (Polish) grandmother insisted I be catholic. Of course with a dead father and clueless (_?!_) mother. The catholic school was hell! I so totally need help too... The mind of a cold reptile That is so apt! This is such a nightmare having to move now too... Thanks for saying I'm strong because I sure as hell don't feel it most of the time! Of course the old timey nuns at the catholic school scared the hell out of me with images of hell! (and communists!) This was the 70s! Valerie was against organized dogma too! Today 1800Junk is coming for the last of some old heavy crap. I dread this. Thanks for being there... to talk to! It is so hard to be positive sometimes
Hope all The Grief Warriors are OK after the rebooting of Grief in Common. So far, I've heard from only Robin ( RLC) and Karen ( cjpines). I did see a reply from Deb ( Deb 321), but seem to have lost it. I just contacted Karyn Arnold again, bc I'm frustrated and don't know what my correct "URL" is. Hope we can communicate soon! Lou
