Half of me no longer lives.

I know how you feel..on sunday will be four weeks since my beloved husband left me alone, all alone and the pain is so intense that sometimes I don't know how to cope. Like yourself and many widows in GIC we are grieving, this journey we are going is the worst one can imagine, yes is so exausting!!! even my relatives don't know how we feel because they have not experience a lost of a partner. The only thing I can do is try to keep strong, it's so dificult.

 

Debra,

I'm so very sorry that your husband passed away so recently. Every time I respond to a new member, I HATE!!! having to say I'm sorry. Words seem so inadequate... so shallow..., at times like this. I hope you know how very sorry I truly am!!! My husband, Bob, passed away in April, 2021, after suffering from many serious health issues, which were treated by his specialists as chronic health conditions. He received his first diagnosis, diabetes, in 2005, suffered a major heart attack on February 3, 2009, was incorrectly diagnosed as having a minor health issue in 2015, and by the time it was correctly diagnosed as kidney cancer, it had spread into his vena cava, and into his lungs. He had to endure a very lengthy surgery to have his vena cava scraped, and one of his kidneys removed. He almost died on the operating table. Very long story short, in spite of all of his serious medical issues, the side effects caused by the oral immunotherapy drug were minimal, and we were able to enjoy a decent quality of life. In 2018 we moved, and this is when his health began spiraling downhill. By this time he needed a specialist for just about every body part. It was after we moved, that he received his final diagnosis, Parkinson's Disease. I was Bob's full time caregiver from the beginning of 2018, until 3:45 a.m. on April, 11, 2021, the date and time of his death. There is so much more to this story!!!, TU!!!(total understatement, a phrase that I can't seem to stop using, and has become over the top stale), but stopping here (for now).

I'm so very sorry you had to find us, but so glad you did. This is a wonderful site, full of so many kind, caring people who "get" it, the total heartbreak of losing the one true love of your life. It SUCKS!!! (another word I can't seem to stop using and has also reached it's expiration date). I don't know how I would get through this miserable roller coaster ride of emotions, with way too many downs, and not enough ups, if I hadn't found this site, and made so many good friends. We are here for each other, always ready to "listen," share our experiences, provide advice, and zillions of virtual hugs. This is a totally free judgement free place. Take the advice that works for you, leave the rest. We won't be offended. We will welcome you with open arms no matter what you chose to do. This has become my safe place. I hope it'll become your safe place too.

I'm frazzled but before I go, I want to give you three excellent books that have helped me as I move forward in this miserable journey (for lack of a better word), that not one of us would have chosen to take. The first book was recommended to all of us by Lou, a GIC friend, "Permission To Mourn: A New Way To Do Grief." The second book is also by Tom Zuba, " Becoming Radiant: A New Way To Do Life Following The Death Of A Beloved." They are short, very easy to read and full of valuable advice. I keep copies of them on my nightstand and reread parts of them often. The third book was also recommended by Lou. It's by Jonathan Santlofer, "A Widower's Notebook. This book is very sad. Lou tells everyone it isn't a good idea to read it before bed. I agree. I can relate to many chapters in this book. Backing up a bit, Tom Zuba's wife, daughter and one of his son's died. By learning to grieve and mourn openly, he was able to rebuild his life, and eventually find happiness again. Jonathan Santlofer's wife, Joy died. He also learned that grieving and mourning openly are necessary in order to move forward, to keep healing. Like Tom Zuba, he has been able to rebuild his life, and has found happiness along the way.

Once again, I'm so sorry you had to find us but so glad you did. I hope you'll stick around, get to "know" us and give us the opportunity to get to "know" you.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Helena,

Just a very quick message. Please don't feel you need to be strong in the way that well meaning family and friends think you need to be. There is no escaping grief. The only way to continue moving forward is by going through all the painful memories..., doing all the hard work that grieving forces us to do. Mourning is equally as important. It's the way we express grief in public. Unfortunately, in our way too fast paced society, death is something that we're made to feel should be dealt with as quickly as possible, put into a box, tied tightly, and discarded. We are expected to be "strong," to continue living our lives as though nothing has happened. There is NO!!! way we can do this. NO!!! way can we live our lives as though nothing has happened!!!, when our entire world has been shattered..., the one true love of our lives has died..., the one person who always had our back, and we always had theirs is NO!!! longer with us. Our "person" has died. There is NO!!! way we can ever fully recover from this total heartbreak!!! In time, if we do all the hard work that grieving has forced us to do, if we learn to mourn openly, instead of faking a smile,... pretending we're fine..., we will be able to move forward, to continue to heal, right up until the time, it's our turn to leave earth, to be reunited with the one true love of our lives. (I'm so sorry, run on sentences are my specialty, lol... Once I get going, many times, the words just seem to type themselves. One of my GIC friends, George, has forgiven all of us for all grammatical errors, so I'm off the hook, lol... Thank you, George!!!)

I hope what I said makes sense. I'm tired, totally frazzled and worn out from dealing with grieving and mourning. It SUCKS!!!

Please be very gentle with yourself. Take care of yourself the very best you possibly can. Do what is right for you, not what others expect you to do. Please remember that when you are doing all the hard work grieving forces upon you, you ARE!!! healing, even though it might not feel like you are.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Hi Deb, and thank you so much for your condolences, and for reaching out to me when I feel so alone, and consumed with such extreme grief! And I'm so very sorry for the loss of your husband also. And I'm so glad that I did find this site, and that there are members here who truly " get it"
And I couldn’t agree more that the loss of your true love of your life SUCKS!! And it is an emotional roller coaster ride, with way too many downs and not enough ups!! And what you and your loved one went through is so similar to what I went through as caretaker for my husband... and it is so good to have the support of the other members here, and that it is a totally judgment free place in which members are there for each other, and they are always ready to "listen" and share their experiences and provide advice along with zillions of virtual hugs.

And thank you so very much as well for sharing the three excellent books that have helped you, I'm going to get copies of them. And I'm sure that Lou was right in saying that a "Widower's notebook" shouldn't be read before bed, as it was very sad and would lead to a bad night's sleep... and thank you also for welcoming to this site, I'm so glad that I found that there are caring, compassionate, empathetic people here, and I feel like I need the support. And I will stick around to get to " know" you as well as the other members, and you will also have the opportunity to "know" me as well.

And I 'm sending you hugs also, and wishing you as well as the other members here peace.
Debra M.