Guilty daughter

Discussion in 'Loss of a Parent' started by FeelingTheSorrow, Apr 8, 2021.

  1. FeelingTheSorrow

    FeelingTheSorrow New Member

    My mom passed suddenly in her sleep on 3/29. She had a bout with food poisoning (which was not uncommon for her) and the stress from it may have led to a massive heart attack.
    The guilt is killing me. She had been staying with me while she waited for her new house to be remodeled. I let her know I was happy she was staying with me and we never argued and were both enjoying the time. I just feel guilty that I was in a lousy mood her last day on earth. I still checked in on her and never showed her that I was grumpy. But It never dawned on me to call an ambulance, I was just going to take the next day off of work and monitor her. I was concerned but I didn’t think she was going to die. I went to put a sheet on her in the morning, and she was gone. I just feel like I failed her.
  2. Angelasue

    Angelasue New Member

    Guilt is one of those emotions that can overtake our lives and change who we are. First, I want to say that you are not in the slightest bit responsible for your mom's death. It took me years to accept that for myself. You will never know what would have happened if you called the ambulance. I believe that when God calls you home, no human intervention will succeed. As far as being grumpy, we are all human and the wonderful thing about our mothers is that they sense this, understand it's not personal and love us unconditionally anyway. I too, feel overwhelming guilt for not intervening sooner prior to my mom's death. She had cancer and was very independent at home with her two dogs she loved dearly. Her best medicine was being at home, free to do what she wanted, all those things that brought her joy. I was so worried that I wouldn't be there if she needed me. She had had many complications in the past after her liver resection and with the side effects of chemotherapy. I wanted her to use a Life Alert, whether it be a necklace or a bracelet where she could get help in a moment's notice if she needed medical attention before I could get there. My mom didn't want it. She didn't feel as though she needed it. I didn't push the issue and I should have. My mom suffered at home alone for several hours after her bowel perforated. My sister arrived later in the afternoon to find her naked on the bed with vomit all over her and in severe abdominal pain. I was working when my sister took her to the ER and did not hear my phone ringing multiple times when she tried to call me. I feel so guilty over that too. Maybe I would have been able to get her to the ER quicker, maybe I would have know she was in a life or death situation, maybe I would have had the chance to say goodbye, In hindsight, I still struggle with the what if's everyday. It's easy for me to say to let go of the guilt but in all honesty, it will take lots of time and strength to forgive yourself. I still on that path of forgiving myself and wishing things had turned out differently. Guilt is the fact of having committed a specific or implied offense or crime. We would never and have not done that to our mothers. We will never understand why things work out the way they do. We can go through the scenario over and over again and wish we had made different decisions. The what ifs are one of the hardest parts to overcome and the physical separation from our mothers is so very difficult to endure but I know from your post how dearly you loved your mother. She lives on inside you, feel her joy, feel her laughter, feel her zest for life. I'm not saying it's easy but forgiving yourself will give you a freedom to move forward. You did the best you could in that situation and you NEVER ever failed her. She would want you to live and not be consumed by guilt.
    MsGML likes this.