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Grieving the loss of my ex husband from addiction

Discussion in 'Loss from Substance Abuse' started by Msteele, Mar 16, 2021.

  1. Msteele

    Msteele New Member

    My ex husband died of addiction February 2021. We knew each other for more than 20 years. We have a child who is 11. Although we were divorced for a while I still and will always love him. He was my soulmate. Addiction took him from me and everyone else. He got so lost in it for so long he couldn’t find his way out. Ultimately it was up to him but his body and mind just couldn’t bear it any longer.
    My nightmare has come true.

    Now I am struggling with complicated feelings that most family and friends don’t understand. I feel angry, guilty, and extremely sad for loosing the hope. I will miss him.

    Since we are divorced most people have not reached out and since addiction is so stigmatized most people don’t know what to say or do. So it has been isolating and lonely. I guess I expected more from family and friends. Most people texted me and then a week later nothing. I know people just don’t know what to say but it hurts. Some are resentful for everything and don’t realize addiction is a disease and are not capable of compassion for the addict. That hurts.

    His family is planning a memorial in June. That seems so far away for me, I need to plan something small for myself and my son and a few family members
    *if anyone has any ideas let me know

    I hope you all can find some sliver of peace today.
     
  2. Scorp7

    Scorp7 New Member

    Hi there, newbie on here but I feel your pain reading this post. I just wanted to share an idea for yourself and your sons memorial to your loved one. I realise he was deep in addiction but did he maintain, if only ad hoc, a hobby or interest specifically one that would only mean something regarding both of yourselves and the connection it had with him? Im thinking along lines of a favourite item of clothes or shoes, styling or toiletry products, tv or radio show, music style or artist etc. Something that is unique to the relationship you had insignificant when or how small you think of it as.
    My reasoning is thus.... My husband died unexpectedly beginning of March 2021 and was not at home with us. Typical of the chaos substance abuse filters into a family; we were seperated from the previous December but only in regards to the living arrangements. He had been very unstable and unsafe for himself as well as me and the children. We still had a very loving relationship with video calls and contact; he was waiting to attend court at the end of April and sorting his issues out and we agreed to do this for sake of childrens wellbeing. They were very happy and got to see the best of him so the sacrifice we thought was worthwhile. He was staying at his sisters but due to her own drug use, kicked him out and he was staying with his father for almost 3 weeks. I got a "friend" of the family at my door at 10.30am, I went and identified him and he was already showing rigor, but was in bed and seems he had been dead at least 6 or 7 hours.
    Still dont know cause of death, and because of delays to the coroners post mortem and my constant questions of the police etc. I only laid him to rest 4 days ago. We were married 7 years. He didn't have much of a relationship with any family really, only his mum who passed last year. Bridges had burned a long time ago, and I never knew him to ask them for anything.... Shows when no one bothered to help us couple of months ago. Ive been alienated, blamed, made insignificant and portrayed to not be grieving because we were "split up". Yet I was his wife and legally decisions were final to me. I was fair as to include music and passages at his funeral to respect his family, and as to allow them to visit our home. Our children, do not know them and he would not want them to on pretences. Of the odd one or two that they know of or recognise again I hope the need to aid their guilts will not be at their expense. My husband was step dad to my 12yr old son, and we have a 4yr old boy and 3yr old girl. Ive no idea yet what claims are going to be on his ashes. So, for us, at home, I am going to do this small memorial. He was camo gear mad and hunted with dogs and rifles, kept livestock to hunt and had a gift of nurturing wild animals. Walked miles with the kids just enjoying the scenery and taking a ball and sandwiches out etc. Always ate berries and apples or whatever was growing in his path. I had him dressed in his camo gear and flat cap for his cremation. He was always sketching and colouring so im framing an eagle he sketched and placing that in our garden upon a small wooden stool thats carved and inlaid with bone detail (pot plant stand I think). Im placing his nets and pegs over the stool and his wooden walking stick. He had planted few years back a gooseberry plant which he happily munched picking them off soon as they appeared, and I intend to look after it as he would have tried to. Only small, but what I knew was close to his heart and what I know I can keep his memory alive as little ones get older.
    Hope thats helped a little. Regards Tracy.
     
  3. Msteele

    Msteele New Member

    Thank you for sharing this, it is helpful to know I’m not alone. I’m sorry you had to go through this. I like the ideas you shared very personal and sweet. I wish you and your kids peace .
     
  4. Sherih

    Sherih New Member

    Hello I just wanted to reach out abs say sorry for your loss. I just lost my ex husband as well 3 days ago. We have a daughter that’s is 18. I have not seen my ex for 16 years but our daughter and her dad had a good relationship over text and FaceTime. For the last 8 years . He lived in a different state. He was still close to her . We r going to where he lived to spend time with family and so my daughter can get some of her dads stuff. It’s heart braking to watch her go through the pain. I’m heart broken as well he was my first husband. I’m here if you like to talk