Grieving my husband’s death in stages

When my husband first died suddenly six months ago I was numb for a month or two and then I mourned who he was when he died, which made it a little easier because he was in bad health and I knew he couldn’t go on forever. A few months ago I thought of all the negative things I said and did over our 56 years of marriage and of course I felt guilt. Now I am remembering our first few years of marriage and how romantic it was and how much fun we had - memories of those years keep coming into my head - it seems I can only tolerate the mourning of certain stages at a time. There are so many more years to remember and I know it will take a long time - I miss him so much. Can anyone else relate to this?

 

So far, my experience has been different, but similar because I can't stop the memories from flooding my mind. However, there is no pattern to the type of memories that invade my brain on a daily basis. Sometimes they'll be memories of when we first met, our first date, our first romantic getaway together..., sometimes they'll be memories of the last 7-8 hours of my husband's life. Sometimes, (although I know rationally I did the best I could to help him) I'm racked with guilt, and I can't get all of the "should have's" out of my head. As I've said in prior posts, it doesn't matter if the memories are good or bad, every single one of them has me in tears. If only I could find that "off switch" for both of us, for all of us, who need a break from our thoughts...

This grieving process is so draining, it sucks all the energy and strength right out of me. I miss my husband more than I could ever express in words. In about three weeks, it'll be four months since my husband passed away. The more time that goes by, the more I miss him, if this is even possible... I don't feel like I'm making any progress in my grief journey. I feel like I tripped on a rock along this miserable path, and can't get myself back up. (However, I had lunch with several persons in my bereavement group a couple of days ago, and they both think, although I can't see it, I'm making progress.)

Trying to put a positive spin on this, I'm thinking that all of our memories are probably necessary in order to make it to the end of our grief journeys. Wait, end doesn't seem like the right word here. Right now, I can't imagine ever reaching the end of my grief journey, but maybe with lots of time, the bad memories will fade into the background (although they'll always be there), and the good memories will have me smiling instead of crying... I hope and pray this will happen for all of us.

Sending lots of hugs your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace...

 

Thank you Deb - I can relate to everything you said. It’s been 6 months since he died and the pain is still fresh. I pray to God every day for the strength to get through it. In some ways I still can’t believe he’s gone. One day at a time - wishing you comfort and peace.