Helena,
Lou, Karen, and Bernadine have already given you excellent advice. I can't think of anything to add to what has already been said. When Bob first died, I couldn't stand being in our house, I ran errands that didn't need to be done, I took long walks, I did anything I could think of to stay out of the house, too many memories..., mostly horrific ones from the last 24 hours of Bob's life. I wanted to sell the house, get out ASAP!!! Anywhere seemed better than having to stay here. I wanted to move back "home," the place that will always be "home," to me, where Bob and I raised our children..., backing up a bit, the place where Bob and I were raised. A part of me couldn't go back "home," I was afraid to go back (I'm still not ready to go back), to be surrounded by so many memories... so many of the very best times in my life, shared with the one true love of my life... Bob wouldn't be with me, and yet, he would be everywhere... Too many memories and no way to stop them from invading my brain. I was too fragile to handle this all at once. Tom Zuba believes that if we had to confront the painful reality of our loved one's death all at once, it would be too much pain, we wouldn't be able to survive. I believe this.
Then there was another part of me, a part of me that wanted to move to Florida to be close to friends, thinking that I needed to do whatever I could to rebuild my life in a place Bob and I had never been together..., a place where I wouldn't feel this total heartbreak 24/7. I realized, with the help of TGW, I was in no position to make a decision that would have a major impact on the rest of my life. I now know, I had barely begun to do all the hard work that grieving forces us to do, that if I had packed up and moved either back "home," or to Florida, I wouldn't have been any happier, a change of environment can't put my broken heart back together. There is NO way to escape from grief... There are NO shortcuts... In order for us to heal, we must experience all the total heartbreak that Mr. Grief has in store for us. It SUCKS!!!
Now, over 11 months after Bob's death, I'm beginning to look at things differently. I still want to move, but I'm not in as big a rush as I was at first. There's a part of me, that is just beginning to feel like if I move out of this house, I'm losing a part of Bob. Before we moved into this house, Bob and I remodeled much of the inside. We redid the kitchen, the master bathroom, we took down the curtains and replaced them with plantation shutters, we ripped up the carpets, replaced them with wood flooring... There's more, but the point I'm trying to make, is that there is a part of both our personalities in the flooring we chose, the cabinet style we chose, even the knobs for those cabinets, the color palette we chose, etc.,etc., etc... Although Bob's health spiraled rapidly downhill as soon as we moved in, and as a result, we didn't get to do the fun stuff, decorate the "shell" (for lack of a better word) of our house, to turn it into our home, Bob's personality shines through every time I look at our kitchen counter tops (remembering how we went to the warehouse and chose the stone to make them, we had so much fun...), look at the kitchen cabinets, the knobs, etc, etc, etc.
Although I still want to move, there's a part of me, a very recent part of me, that isn't sure I want to leave the last house that Bob and I poured our hearts into... I'm so confused... This house holds the very worst memories of my entire life, and because of what happened during the last 24 hours of Bob's life, I still have to leave the doors to the guest bathroom and bedrooms closed, but at the same time, in a strange sort of way, I'm comforted knowing that this house contains a part of Bob's personality. The floodgates have opened... Going to stop before I even begin to really start to ramble.
I'm glad you're going to take your time, not make any quick decisions that you might regret later. As Karen said to you, and said to me, in what seems like ages ago, "if you don't know what to do, do nothing. Follow your intuition."
As always, sending you lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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