Grief quotes of the day

Deb, you caught me by surprise with that
vivid picture of you & Bob looking out at
God's magnificent, timeless ocean. When
you said you think Bob knew he was
dying, I got choked up. Before Linda
went into the hospital, she had "the
talk" with me, about promising me to
try to be happy ( & even meet another
woman) if anything happened to her.
I cry when I write this, bc looking back,
as she became more sedentary &
depressed, I believe that Linda had a
premonition of her death. The fact that
she wanted me to be happy, breaks my
heart, bc my happiness will always be
"mixed with sad", as Robin so
poignantly said. Lou

 

Dear Deb, Truly truly sorry about Bob. I know exactly how you feel - when they are ill and declining in health every day, we start grieving the person we love way before they are actually physically gone. Although they are still with us their decline is so great that what we had with them was actually lost much sooner than their physical beings. We told each other we loved each other every day many times a day, but he always worried that he was too much for me to take care of. He was battling dementia as well as having to have help walking and other things. But we hung in there together till the end and I told him that he would never be too much trouble cause that is what you do when you love someone so much! 39 years together.....Ok enough of this - now I am crying too and I need to stop and pull myself together. Sending you hugs and wishes for peace and happy moments, Rita

 

Rita, I know it was horrible for you to
relive your last days with Ron, on this
forum. You do share a lot of "grief in
common" with Deb, especially. My
situation was different, in that Linda
died suddenly & shockingly in front of me.
But, before she went into the hospital,
& then, the rehab./ nursing home for
physical therapy, I saw a rapid decline.
She lost interest in walking outside, with
her walker. Her entertainment was TV
series, which I would try to watch with
her. When she was in the hospital, in
bed, the nurses tried to get her to sit up,
so she could eat dinner with me while we
watched TV. Same thing happened at the
rehab. unit. but it was a real struggle,
bc she wanted to be left alone. The PTs
told her it was for her own good, if she
wanted to be discharged & move in with
me. But, her breast cancer spread, & a
pain in her back became more intense.
I was always trying to ask the nurses for
more pain medicine. Looking back, I
think Linda was doomed, & she collapsed
& died soon after, from a pulmonary
embolism. I didn't start this message,
with the idea that I would talk about
Linda's last day on earth. But, as Deb
said, the words just flowed. I had to get it
off my chest, but I can now talk about
other things. Lou

 

Hi Lou, It is so obvious we have all been through a terrible ordeal as have many others - I will continue to pray every day for all of us, for peace, comfort and future happiness! We just have to keep the faith and help each other get through this. Thank you again and to Deb, Helena, Karen, Debra, Gary, Robin and everyone for sharing and helping each day. Hugs, Rita

 

Dear older brother Lou. Thank you for giving me multiple LMSOs by referring to me as a cleaver wordsmith. I am proud to be a small part of your novel invention of LMSO. It has paid dividends to all TGW. I’ve been off a while trying to resolve some medical scheduling issues but everything is in order now. I walked the woods two days and took a short bike ride. I wanted to get as much activity as I could in because of two bad weather days coming. Believe it or not I actually went bowling today with four high school friends at senior bowl. This is the first time I have gone out in public to do something other than shopping. I felt like a human being again. I don’t plan on making a habit out of it though. I’ve been very appreciative of everyones posts. Deb I like how you explained the importantance in taking breaks from GIC. Getting the right amount of anything is the great secret in life. I’m a sponge. I absorb everyone’s emotions. When I do that I burn out quick and lose all my energy. The Blue Beta Fish story was beautiful and very moving and it says it all. I was working at the picnic table yesterday and I heard the beautiful song of a cardinal in a tree right above me. It lasted over 20 minutes. I stopped to locate where the bird was and didn’t see it. I remembered a sympathy card mom received when dad passed. It read “the bird that sings that cannot be seen”. There was a picture of a bird in a very dense tree at the top all by itself singing. I had a comforting feeling that my beloved Cheryl was with me. Using our imagination is so important to temporarily hold Mr Grief at bay. Gary

 

Thank you for reaching out to me tonight,
Gary. I knew you'd make an appearance
when the time was right for you. GIC was
very intense today, with our close friends,
like Deb, & our newer friends, like
Helena & Rita. Sometimes, I've noticed
that you've been "listening" to one of my
long posts, bc you will add a "LIKE". I
appreciate that feature, too,when I'm
too tired to reply. I believe another
word for you, instead of a "sponge", is
that you're an empath. It's a word I
heard last year. Just as psychologists
have to take vacations, we have to take
breaks from GIC. I try not to repeat my
very sad story of Linda's last days. After
over 3 years, I'd rather take note of her
birthday, instead of the sad anniversary of
her death. I'm so glad you went bowling
with friends. I took a walk on Sun, in
50 degree, sunny temps, to see my
friends after a long winter. It was great
to see everyone smiling again, & it was
an early sign of spring. We have
bluejays, crows, sparrows, ducks, &
seagulls, but no cardinal here, though
I've seen them in previous locations
where I lived. Like you, I find solace in
God's nature. Restaurants, theaters, and
other establishments, by human beings,
sometimes change, or don't last. Lou

 

Lou,

It's impossible for people who haven't lost the one true love of their lives to "get" it... Once your heart feels like it's been torn in half... Once there is that great big empty place inside... There is NO!!! way to ever be able to experience pure happiness again... Mr. Grief will always hang over our heads..., like a cold, dark cloud, ready to shower us in tears at any moment...

It's impossible to know what is going to trigger the next battle with Mr. Grief. "Happy mixed with sad ..... " all of life will always be so bittersweet... It SUCKS!!!, TUTTAM!!! (Sorry... Had to toss this in to spice it up a bit.)

It's so important to fully enjoy those moments of happiness whenever possible... They are truly something I will NEVER!!! take for granted again.

Sending lots of extra hugs your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thank you, Deb,as always, for your
compassionate words. If we ever met, we
would have to have a cry fest, before we
could talk about any nature's beauty
around us. In New England,I appreciate
the spring & summer, bc I feel more alive
after a cold, dark winter which matched
my sorry soul. Maybe it's in my nature to
hit bottom, & survive, before appreciating
any joy in life, without Linda. Lou

 

Rita,

Sending you the biggest virtual hug... I'm so very sorry... I wish we didn't share so many things in common... I'm in tears now too... I "get" everything you just said. It SUCKS!!!, TUTTAM!!! (Total Understatement To The Absolute Max!!!) Bernadine once said knowing Kenn was going to die, having been through anticipatory grief, helped her develop a "grief muscle." I never developed that "grief muscle." Even though I knew rationally Bob was dying..., my heart couldn't accept it, it felt so surreal...

Anticipatory grief seemed to suck the last bit of energy and strength right out of me... Looking back, I think the only reason I was able to take care of Bob the very best that I could without totally falling apart, is because my life revolved around doing whatever I could to help Bob live the very best life he possibly could, to carry out Bob's wishes (I didn't agree with all of them, a story for another day), the very best I possibly could. I totally neglected my own health, both emotionally and physically. There is absolutely NOTHING!!! I wouldn't have done for Bob!!!, TUTTAM!!! He was, and will always be, my knight in shining armor...

Just recently I realized how much I had neglected my health. Very long story short, I had to have a crown replaced during the time Bob's health was rapidly spiraling downhill. The first crown didn't fit properly and fell out many times. Finally the dentist said he would make me another one, no cost. The second crown fell out more than once too. Finally, the dentist cut into my gum and forced the second crown in place. Before leaving, I told him it was painful. He said it would be fine once the gum healed. It never healed, I ended up ignoring it for way too long. I thought the pain was just because the crown didn't fit right. Recently it became lose and I went to another dentist NO way!!! (TUTTAM!!!), was I going to go back to the one who had screwed up my mouth. It turned out that I had a major infection in the tooth (the root had been broken when the dentist forced the crown in place),and it spread to the bone. I didn't have time to take care of myself. Taking care of myself seemed so much less important, than taking care of Bob, who was slowly dying in front of me.

I found one of the most heartbreaking things was something you just said, "Although they are still with us their decline is so great that what we had with them was actually lost much sooner than their physical beings." I can't stop crying... There is NOTHING!!! worse than watching that "spark...," that zest for life... slip away... Seeing all those changes in personality... It is way beyond heartbreaking... It SUCKS!!!

It makes me so sad... We seem to have so much in common..., and I wish we never had to meet..., but I'm so over the top grateful that you are now part of our GIC "family."

Sending you zillions more hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou,

I have no idea where we would be able to find enough cases of Kleenex for our "cry fest..." It SUCKS!!! As you know, your corner of the world... is one of my very favorite places on earth!!!, TUTTAM!!! I'm so happy you were able to find your "forever" home so close to the ocean..., where you can sit on a bench looking out over the water... listen to the sounds of the waves crashing against the rocks..., enjoy all of the beauty God created...

I think, to a point, all of us, have to hit whatever our "bottom" is, before we can begin to heal. I know this was true for me. While I'm still battling Mr. Grief daily, I think I'm no longer at the very "bottom," where I was when I arrived here last June.

As always sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, that tooth torture story was truly
horrific. You will never have to go through
something like that again. Now that you
aren't taking care of Bob 24/7, you can
watch your own health, & speak up for
yourself when dealing with incompetent
nitwits. When you said how horrible it was
to see "the spark of life" get extinguished,
it brought a pain to my heart, bc I felt
that way about Linda. She tried to joke
with her favorite nurse and PT, but
became bitter, depressed, without much
hope, in the end. I have to keep telling
myself that she knew I was with her. Lou

 

Deb, since I've known you on GIC, I've
seen you open up about your love
for Bob. When I asked his name, you were
too sad & reluctant to say it. Now, you
tell stories of a marriage , acknowledging
that Bob was not a saint all the time,
and you weren't a sinner. You loved
each other for your similarities AND
your differences. After an awful day
today, of anger & tears, I stopped &
looked at the ocean waves, cleared my
mind, and felt some peace. Thank you
for being there for me. Lou

 

Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.-Eskimo Proverb

 

• "While grief is fresh, every attempt to divert only irritates, you must wait till grief be digestted, and then amussment will dissipate the remains of it" - Samuel Johnson.
• " Grief is not heartbreak. The rest of the body breaks to the pain passes, but beauty remains" - Renoir.

 

The pathway of this life leads into the pathway of the next life. those who have gone beyond the ridge travel south along the Milky Way, the spirit trail, the ghost road. we can see it hanging in the night sky. the trail illuminated by the myriad of campfires of the spirits moving towards the spirit world. That is from the children’s book Beyond the Ridge by Paul Goble. I read the book when Cheryl made her return journey to The Great Earth Mother beside a hill in a woods that over looked a lake in a remote area where we walked many times. We love primitive mythology. Gary

 

Your quite welcome and I see you have faith to conquer this extremely grief stricken journey with us. We can get through this, we can and so will you, Always blessing to you, Karen

 

And I believe they wait for us.

 

"Grief is a normal and natural response to loss. It is originally an unlearned feeling process. Keeping grief inside increases your pain".

"Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity. The price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grief".

 

Dear Deb, I totally understand. I was not going to let anyone else take care of the love of my life. And we did it together,,,,as you said it wasn't always easy. He wanted so much to be in his workshop out back working on a project, he loved woodworking. Even though I would help him walk out there, he could not really work with his tools anymore due to his lack of balance when standing and the dementia. I too was determined to do the very best I could for him. It just broke my heart to see him this way - as you say - IT SUCKS!!!! Guess we'll continue to cry together for a while yet!!!
I am glad that you can begin to take care of you now. As people keep telling me, you have to care about yourself! Finding GIC and meeting so many great souls like yourself has helped me so much! Thank you for continuing to be here Sending lots of hugs, peace, comfort your way, Rita

 

“I bet you know what the stages of grief are, even if you don't think of yourself as much of a psychology-type person.⁣
The stages of grief were developed by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in the 1960s, as she listened to and observed people living with terminal diagnoses. What began as a way to understand the emotions of the dying became a way to strategize grief.⁣
The griever is expected to move through a series of clearly delineated stages: denial, anger, bargaining, and depression, eventually arriving at "acceptance," at which time their "grief work" is complete.⁣
⁣
This widespread interpretation of the stages model suggests that there is a right way and a wrong way to grieve, that there is an orderly and predictable pattern that everyone will go through.⁣
In her later years, Kübler-Ross wrote that she regretted writing the stages the way that she did, that people mistook that as being both linear and universal.⁣
⁣
The #StagesOfGrief were not meant to tell you what you should feel, and when exactly you should feel it. They were not meant to dictate whether you are doing your grief "correctly" or not. Her stages, whether applied to the dying or those left living, were meant to normalize and validate what someone MIGHT experience in the swirl of chaos that is loss and death and grief. They were meant to give comfort, not create a cage.⁣
⁣
The truth is, you can't force an order on pain. You can't make grief tidy or predictable. Grief is as individual as love: every life, every path, is unique. There is no pattern, and no linear progression. Despite what many "experts" believe, there are no stages of grief.⁣
To do grief well depends solely on individual experience. It means listening to your own reality. It means acknowledging pain and love and loss. It means allowing the truth of these things the space to exist without any artificial tethers or stages or requirements.⁣
⁣
Grief is part of love, and love evolves. Your love, and your grief, are bigger than any stage could ever be. The only way to contain it is to let it be free.⁣
⁣
You'll find ways to live inside your grief, and in doing so, it will find its own right place.⁣” megan devine