Hello Deb, I'm up at 5.30 am again this morning, just checked in and read your post. You are so great at finding the right words that we can all relate to. I feel I could say things here I would never be able to say to friends or family, it would be like talking to the wall, they just haven't got a clue how I feel. I don't blame them, we all agree here that only if you've gone through the same grief you're able to comprehend. Obviously, my two grown-up kids who live with me,are going through a rough time too. I feel guilty and selfish at times for not being a comfort to them, talking about their dad and trying to help them through this devastation we're going through. How can I, when I'm absolutely distraught myself, living in a different dimension, detached from reality,thinking I have no purpose in life anymore, my sanity on the edge of disappearing altogether, a complete nervous wreck. I happened to be watching a TV show where a famous presenter described how her life had been turned upside down (in her 40s now) when at 20 yrs old she lost her dad suddenly, carrying this grief in her heart forever and now she's even written a book about this experience, well I just broke down in tears, couldn't stop crying, wanted to reach out and hug her. This surely wouldn't have effected me like that two years ago, now I seem to have become extra sensitive to other people's tragic stories, I still jump and start panicking whenever I hear an ambulance (we live in the country, 12km from town), I think:"OMG, I hope it's nothing serious".
I still have both my parents and my FIL, thanking God they're OK of course, so I cannot possibly understand how my kids are feeling. I can't even imagine how utterly devastating it would have been for me if I'd lost a parent at their age. I feel so stupid sometimes, it seems that all three us avoid talking about their dad, as if we would just feel even worse, as if by not talking, we don't have to confront this unbearable reality, except for when we make decisions and say "this is what he would have said/done" or "I know how to solve this problem because he showed me how ".
Lou, I read about your leg injury, I hope you're getting better now. Your Linda is near you and will help you get over this. I think it's wonderful that you've found a special place you visit where you listen to live music and have made new friends.
Gary, I just wanted to say that I'm also looking after a special flowerbed that my C was so fond and proud of. While I water and fertilize all the plants I talk to him saying: "Look at how they're flourishing so beautifully, that's the way you want them, my love, isn't it?"
Helena, just like you, I had never had nothing to do with social media before, I could just about check the weather forecast and read newspaper articles, now I'm so grateful to have this site where I find a non- judgemental understanding and feel able to say whatever's going through my head.
I look forward to reading your inspirational quotes.
Karen,once again my heart goes out to you for the loss of your Rambo, I know what losing a pet means. We had a wonderful dog for years, he died of old age, but that was one of the moments I saw my C crying, we just hugged each other tightly and sobbed. You probably wouldn't even think of getting another cat now, but in time, it would be part of your healing process to have another pet in your life, they do provide a glimmer of light in this dark dark period we're all going through.
Hoping you all have a peaceful day, thank you for being here. Rose.
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