Grief quotes of the day

Thanks Karen. I wish I could have learned this one sooner. Yesterday I saw my orthopedic guy and was complaining of severe inflammation. He told me I can take an (325mg) aspirin every 4-6 hour hours. Before I was every taking one every other day. I’m taking 3 a day now and it seems to help. Gary

 

Helena you explained this to the tee. Mr. Grief will come and go and eventually get so tired he goes to sleep only to wake and attack again, but we are warriors and someday our sadness will become joy and treasure our memories of the precious love we had with our soulmates.
Yes, PAY ATTENTION, Yes, NOT RIGHT. Everything you said is in perfect context. Thank you, Karen

 

Today no quotes or affirmations! It has been raining for four days making my mood from calm to irritable and angry with myself.....yesterday I did say 'Pay Attention', now I'm overwhelmed, I'm so tired, didn't last long! HB

 

Greetings warriors. Right now I’m sitting in one of Cheryl’s two flower gardens. Last spring before Cheryl went over the rainbow she purchased 3 forget me not plants. I eventually planted them and they all died suddenly. However this year they are flourishing. I feel a connection to my dearly beloved here. On the last day of training we watched a documentary called Except for Six. It is similar to Speaking Grief that B referred us to. Please watch this in the afternoon or morning. The part that got me was that we are living in a culture that doesn’t believe death will happen to them. It has me thinking about my own personal medical choices regarding Curative vs palliative. I’m going to ease back into my warrior regalia and return to the front line soon. Thank warriors for holding the line. Gary

 

Except for Six

 

Gary,

I just watched this over the top moving documentary. I'm so very glad I followed your advice and watched it in the afternoon. This is definitely NOT!!! something for before bedtime viewing!!!, TUTTAM!!! It is so very beautiful... so very sad..., so very bittersweet... I knew Bob would never accept hospice care, but I wish so much he would have accepted palliative care. Unfortunately, he bought into the myth that palliative care, as well as hospice care, meant he was giving up on life, when in reality, the exact opposite is true. His quality of life could have been so much better...

Also, I would have welcomed the opportunity to have been able to have some support too. I think it would have made me a much better caregiver. No use thinking about all the "if only's...," the "should have's", "could have's," would have's." Just like guilt, these are useless emotions, causing nothing but more pain... More ammunition for Mr. Grief.

I wish every individual who is offered palliative or hospice care, was asked to watch this documentary before making a decision. However, since the quality of the services the patient receives, depends upon the knowledge and compassion (for lack of a better word) of the provider, just like with any other type of medical care, if possible, I would recommend that people research end of life providers before choosing one. The reason why I feel this way is because a friend of mine had a very bad experience with the hospice provider she and her terminally ill loved one chose. However, I doubt negative experiences are common. Palliative or hospice care is something I would definitely choose for myself, if it ever becomes necessary.

I'm glad you completed your hospice training. You are going to make the absolute best hospice volunteer!!!, TUTTAM!!!

As always, sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Gary, I just finished watching Except for Six. It was so sad, but in a way so heartwarming the support hospice gives to the dying. Jack made his own decision to go with hospice instead of surgery which could of taken his life. He wanted more time. I needed more help, so I hired a caregiver through Social Services, private pay to come every day in the early mornings to help. I knew there was hospice houses but none close to me. I think he would of had better care. I tried my best even though my body ached so bad from the lifting and moving and no sleep, I kept going.
I really takes a "special" kind of person to work for hospice and palliative care. They deserve front row seats in heaven when it's their time. Thanks for posting, Karen

 

Hi Deb. I have a lot of catching up on messages. Life has been a blur lately but I didn’t get a chance to respond to your courageous post a month ago about receiving conditional love at home when you were a young lady. and then leaving home at age 18. That it very empowering to here. I really appreciate what you think and you have helped me very much! I’ve been listening to a live version of Rhiannon by Fleetwood Mac in the evening lately. The verse “dreams unwind love’s a state of mind” followed by “taken by the wind taken by the sky”. I’m not as traumatized without Cheryl’s physical presence lately. A couple days ago I was at the picnic table and a female hummingbird hovered around my left shoulder where I couldn’t make eye contact without turning my head for 15 seconds. I went to bed last night thinking of my dearly beloved and I heard a loud Creek from Cheryl’s side of the bed and I said “slide on over honey and let me hold you”. I’m taking very good care of Cheryl’s flowers and opted out of doing a garden this year. Sending you hugs too. The warriors are the greatest. Gary

 

Thank you Gary that means a lot. K

 

I have never been involved with social media until I was left all alone, and now I always reach to TGW, the only place that I feel connected sharing my thoughs, sadness, quotes, drawings so I can continue living day by day with the empathetic friends that I have never met! In a way my friends you are my therapy, reading your postings with conforting words and your unconditional support to another grieving soul.... I don't need the help of the people who doesn't understand grief.

I would like to share a beautiful poem by Khalil Gibran

A Tear And A Smile

I would not exchange the sorrows of my heart
For the joys of the multitude.
And I would not have the tears that sadness makes
To flow from my every part turn into laughter.

I would that my life remain a tear and a smile.

A tear to purify my heart and give me understanding
Of life's secrets and hidden things.
A smile to draw me nigh to the sons of my kind and
To be a symbol of my glorification of the gods.

A tear to unite me with those of broken hearts;
A smile to be a sign of my joy in existence.

I would rather that I died in yearning and longing than that I live Weary and despairing.

I want the hunger for love and beauty to be in the
Depths of my spirit, for I have seen those who are
Satisfied the most wretched of people.
I have heard the sigh of those in yearning and Longing, and it is sweeter than the sweetest melody.

With evening's coming the flower folds her petals
And sleeps, embracing her longing.
At morning's approach she opens her lips to meet
The sun's kiss.

The life if a flower is longing and fulfilment.
A tear and smile.

The waters if the sea become vapor and rise and come
Together and area cloud.

And the cloud floats above the hills and valleys
Until it meets the gentle breeze, then falls weeping
To the fields and joins with brooks and rivers to Return to
the sea, its home.

The life of clouds is a parting and a meeting
A tear and a smile.

And so does the spirit become separated from
The greater spirit to move in the world of matter
And pass as a cloud over the mountain of sorrow
And the plains of joy to meet the breeze of death
And return whence it came.

To the ocean of Love and Beauty----to God.

 

Thanks HB. I have a copy of Conquest of the Mind now. When I finish If You’re Lonely I’ll begin the other. Have you read Siddahartha? The last chapter is similar to the poem above. I’m doing my usual stumbling forward routine. I’m still behind on current GIC messages. I really liked your art work on page 5. I like how you use the yin Yang often. Constant change and flux. Goes with how my mind works. I just finished a 12 step recovery grief meeting. There are only 2 I know of in the world. Take good care of yourself HB. You are a great warrior. Gary

 

Gary,

Just a quick message because I've had to kick the F*CK!!! out of Mr. Grief way too many times today, and need to tune out of reality for the evening. However, after reading this message earlier, I had to "visit" again, so I could respond. I smiled BIG!!! TIME!!!, TUTTAM!!!, when I read that I've helped you, as all of us continue to stumble, fall, dust ourselves off, and continue along this miserable journey (for lack of a better word), that not one of us would have chosen to take.

It SUCKS!!!, but, and this is another one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, it makes me feel so good to know that good things have come out of all this pain. Helping each other through the very worst..., the very darkest..., days in our lives, is another one of those things I will NEVER!!! take for granted. I know God gave us each other to help each other find ways to not only survive, but to begin to live our lives again, without the one true love of our lives, being physically with us. I am so grateful to be a part of TGW, this GIC "family," to be able to help you, the way you, and all of TGW, have helped me. I'm teary eyed, but only in the very best of ways...

It's a wonderful feeling to know that we're always here for each other. I'm still over the top amazed how a group of strangers, from all over the world, so different in so many ways, but all sharing the most painful experience of our entire lives, have been able to become so close, to form such a tight knit, unbreakable bond, with each other.... I know I've said this before, probably way too many times already, but NEVER!!!, TUTTAM!!!, in a zillion years, would I ever have thought, that so much good, could have come out of modern technology.

As usual, I'm starting to ramble and ramble and ramble. I'm positive Bob would have something funny to say right about now. Missing him so much!!! It SUCKS!!! However, just as you don't feel as "traumatized without Cheryl's physical presence, I'm not feeling as "traumatized without Bob's physical presence. We ARE!!! healing!!! (Thank you, Tom Zuba!!!) I know Cheryl and Bob would be so very proud of us..., so very happy... We are beginning to learn to live, without them being able to be by our sides... Someday you will be reunited with Cheryl, just as I will be reunited with Bob. However, until that moment arrives, we need to "keep on keeping..." (ever since the first time you said this, it's become one of my very favorite sayings), doing whatever we can, to life our lives to the fullest. To quote Bob, "As long as I'm on the right side of the dirt, it's a good day." Life is so very precious. I'm so glad I'm able to spend some of mine, with our GIC "family."

Stopping here (for now). I'm emotionally and physically drained...

As always, sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

P.S. Wait... I love Rhiannon... one of my favorite Fleetwood Mac songs... Can't wait until I can listen to music again. Living in a world without music SUCKS!!!

 

Hello Deb, I'm up at 5.30 am again this morning, just checked in and read your post. You are so great at finding the right words that we can all relate to. I feel I could say things here I would never be able to say to friends or family, it would be like talking to the wall, they just haven't got a clue how I feel. I don't blame them, we all agree here that only if you've gone through the same grief you're able to comprehend. Obviously, my two grown-up kids who live with me,are going through a rough time too. I feel guilty and selfish at times for not being a comfort to them, talking about their dad and trying to help them through this devastation we're going through. How can I, when I'm absolutely distraught myself, living in a different dimension, detached from reality,thinking I have no purpose in life anymore, my sanity on the edge of disappearing altogether, a complete nervous wreck. I happened to be watching a TV show where a famous presenter described how her life had been turned upside down (in her 40s now) when at 20 yrs old she lost her dad suddenly, carrying this grief in her heart forever and now she's even written a book about this experience, well I just broke down in tears, couldn't stop crying, wanted to reach out and hug her. This surely wouldn't have effected me like that two years ago, now I seem to have become extra sensitive to other people's tragic stories, I still jump and start panicking whenever I hear an ambulance (we live in the country, 12km from town), I think:"OMG, I hope it's nothing serious".
I still have both my parents and my FIL, thanking God they're OK of course, so I cannot possibly understand how my kids are feeling. I can't even imagine how utterly devastating it would have been for me if I'd lost a parent at their age. I feel so stupid sometimes, it seems that all three us avoid talking about their dad, as if we would just feel even worse, as if by not talking, we don't have to confront this unbearable reality, except for when we make decisions and say "this is what he would have said/done" or "I know how to solve this problem because he showed me how ".

Lou, I read about your leg injury, I hope you're getting better now. Your Linda is near you and will help you get over this. I think it's wonderful that you've found a special place you visit where you listen to live music and have made new friends.

Gary, I just wanted to say that I'm also looking after a special flowerbed that my C was so fond and proud of. While I water and fertilize all the plants I talk to him saying: "Look at how they're flourishing so beautifully, that's the way you want them, my love, isn't it?"

Helena, just like you, I had never had nothing to do with social media before, I could just about check the weather forecast and read newspaper articles, now I'm so grateful to have this site where I find a non- judgemental understanding and feel able to say whatever's going through my head.
I look forward to reading your inspirational quotes.

Karen,once again my heart goes out to you for the loss of your Rambo, I know what losing a pet means. We had a wonderful dog for years, he died of old age, but that was one of the moments I saw my C crying, we just hugged each other tightly and sobbed. You probably wouldn't even think of getting another cat now, but in time, it would be part of your healing process to have another pet in your life, they do provide a glimmer of light in this dark dark period we're all going through.

Hoping you all have a peaceful day, thank you for being here. Rose.

 

I wrote a poem to Geoff.

Days go by
Sunfall to sunrise
Moonlight to sunlight
The wind blows south
Sometimes north and other directions
Days go by
Sight, talk, walk, cry
From puberty we grow into maturity
From nothing to infinity
Throughout all life confusion
The idea was to live with you until our end
Days go by
Thinks definitely do change
For the better of mankind
So is my love for you
Days go by
My life has changed without you
We traveled the world together
Now I am traveling a long journey alone!

 

Helena,

This is so very beautiful... I'm teary eyed...
Thank you so much for sharing...

As always, sending you Yogi, and Sami, lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Dear Deb and Rose it was so good to read your messages this morning. We are all doing the opposite of living the dream now. Who am I and why am I here keeps coming to mind. Finding out how toxic grief is motivating but it will never be like it was before. In Zuba’s book Becoming Radiate he defines grief as the internal realization that a dream has come to an end. That is the ultimate saddest definition I know for it. Thank goodness we have each other. A couple Cheryl and I hung out with in the past stopped over to give me some ideas on a ac upgrade yesterday. Steve and Nancy were here 2.5 hours. I pointed out some of Cheryl’s creations regarding flowers or yard decorations several times and they didn’t respond. I understand completely. Nancy’s dad died a few years ago and Steve’s dad has dementia. They showed me they care by coming to visit and help me out. Going off memory there is a book called The Five Languages of Love by Gary Chaplin. People are sending messages to us that they love us in 5 different ways. Words of affirmation is one. Deeds of service is another. Monetary gifts. I can’t remember the others. As a boy I wanted my Dad to tell me he loved me but he couldn’t because I love you wasn’t in the ancestors vocabulary. But Dad’s way of expressing love was gifts. I’m starting to ramble. Rose I’m so glad you’re on GIC. I appreciate reading your posts. In the hospital when I knew Cheryl wasn’t going to make it the first thing I thought of was her flower garden being consumed by the environment. Tending Cheryl’s flowers has been the best therapy. I was reading the grief warriors posts sitting on a bench thanking Cheryl for the beautiful flowers this morning. Listening to the birds and insects buzz around. Steve and Nancy asked how are you going spend the weekend Gary? I said I’m just going hang around here. I don’t go anywhere I like it here. They looked sad. We just keep on trucking. we put 1 foot in front of the other. We are warriors. We fight. We get wounded. We seek refuge and rest and heal. Then we go back to the front line and fight. Zuba says our goal is to make peace with life when we can on our terms. I’m going to try and keep upright and seek special memories of Cheryl today. I love you all. Gary

 

Francis Weller - psychotherapist and writer says:

"I'm not sure how or when I began my apprenticeship with sorrow. I do know that it was my gateway back into the breathing and animate world. It was through the dark waters of grief that I came to touch my unlived life....There is some strange intimacy between grief and aliveness, some sacred exchange between what seems unbearable and what is most exquisitely alive. Through this, I have come to have a lasting faith in grief"