Helena,
Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I think I (used to border on being a hyper-empath) and can relate to so much in this article. After Bob died, I felt like I was sinking in quicksand... I was totally heartbroken, plus every time I read or heard about someone else suffering through this over the top worst kind of pain, it made me feel like I was sinking even deeper..., even faster, in quicksand, so deep, so fast, that I was afraid I wouldn't be able to find my way out of it. This is one of the reasons I've had to stop visiting GIC on a daily basis. Every time someone in our GIC "family told his/her over the top heartbreaking story, I had to reach for a tissue. I wanted so much to be able to help, but all I had, still have, are words to let them know I "get" it, and will be here for them always. I've since had to change my thinking from always, to as much as I possibly can, without me regressing to that quicksand again, sinking deeper and deeper and deeper..., until there's no coming back.
I was also a people pleaser, which thanks to Gary!!!, who got me to do lots of thinking, helped me change in positive ways. As a child, I was always the "good" girl, always bringing home excellent grades, doing whatever I could to make my parents happy. Backing up a bit, while I know my parents loved me, they did the best they could, they weren't capable of unconditional love. While I didn't know what unconditional love was back then, I was terrified of not being their little "puppet," terrified of losing their love... I became a people pleaser. As soon as I turned 18, I moved out of my parents house, the very best thing I could have ever done for myself. I slowly began to realize how toxic conditional love is, but people pleasing was deeply ingrained in me. I still put others needs before my own, but am slowly finding a balance.
The combination of being an (almost) hyper empath and a people pleaser is a lethal combination. It wasn't until I found GIC, that I truly realized how toxic this combination is to my emotional, and also physical, well being. I began to realize that by putting my needs first, remembering that I was grieving, still am grieving, will always be grieving..., right up until the time I'm reunited with Bob, I'm able to be a better friend. I have more energy, and I'm able to think more clearly, when trying to help my friends. I still sometimes feel selfish/guilty putting myself first, but, and this is another one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, I know this is necessary if I'm going to be able to continue healing..., to walk for longer periods of time without stumbling over the zillions of obstacles in my way, as I continue to travel down this miserable path (for lack of a better word), that not one of us would have chosen to take.
Backing up a bit, I know feeling selfish/guilty is detrimental to my well being as guilt is one of those useless emotions. However, feelings are feelings. They aren't right or wrong. I'm glad I'm able to recognize these detrimental feelings when they arise, and try to stop them from leading me back to that quicksand. I finally realize I need to treat myself with just as much TLC as I give to my friends. As a result, I'm finally beginning to slowly rediscover who I am, now that Bob is no longer with me physically, regain my creativity, find beauty and joy in the simple pleasures of life, and happiness... It's such an over the top wonderful feeling!!!, TUTTAM!!! However, having just said all of this, I know for the rest of my life, happiness will always be intertwined with sadness. The opposite of intense love is intense grief. I know it's all part of life, but, and this is another one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, it SUCKS!!!
Thank you for helping me verbalize how I'm feeling. I still have trouble doing this, but this morning, after reading the excellent article you posted, I found my written "voice."
I hope you have at least one reason to LMSO today, but hopefully many more...
As always, sending you lots of love and hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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