Grief gone wrong

Discussion in 'Dating Again After the Loss of a Spouse/Partner' started by Carron, May 3, 2022.

  1. Carron

    Carron New Member

    I am new on here. I lost my husband two and half years ago, He was my everything. We were together for 26 years (I was married before, but it did not work out). I met my second husband a while after my divorce, and I knew what it was like to be in love and be loved. We had a brilliant, loving relationship. Then I lost him. For the first year I was numb and I dont think I accepted it had really happened. The second year was so strange and it was when my grief appeared to go so wrong. This is what happened (please don't judge me, as I hate myself for feeling like this).. I was very lonely. I loved being in a happy relationship and couldn't understand why life had done this to both of us. So, stupidly, trying to fill the emptiness, I went on line to a dating site. I scrolled through hundreds of men, no attraction, nothing! Then I saw one man who just appeared different. I 'liked' him, but no reply. So I contacted him, but there was little interest. But I believed that he was for me. He had the same demeanour as my late husband. We then met and I still liked him, but again he had little interest. Unfortunately and being vulnerable, the 'relationship' consisted of text messags only, that were based on a sexual content (I have never done this before). Desperate for him to want me and to e happy again, I met him again. (I told him about my loss). He only would want me for sex, he even told me this, and he would speak about his ideal woman when I was with him (the twice, or on the text).
    Eventually he did not even contact me anymore and I have been left with all these emotions that I cannot understand.
    I love and miss my ex-husband and would never have thought I could feel this strongly for someone else. But he appeared to be what I thought would make me happy. I just beleived that we 'fitted'. Now as well as grieving for my husband I now have these almost feeling of loss and grief for this other man that I hardly knew.
    I have searched to find anyione who has had this experience, but tere is no one and so I feel so ashamed.

    I have been very hurt by him to as I heard from a friend that he called me 'ugly and too fat' My self esteem is nil. I do not like myself at all. I am anxious, tearful and very low in mood. I have no confidence at all, yet I still think about him (been months since any contact) and beleive that I could have been happy with him, as he posts many nice things about findng love on his fb (I know I shouldn't read them) and I get this stupid jealousy if I think of him with anyone else. He will meet someone else as he is a nice looking man and will treat the right girl very well. But why am I feeling like this. What has happened to my normal grief. Its sometimes as I cant bring what happened to my husband and the loss of him to mind. This man always pops up in my thoughts. Why am I hurting over him. I hate myself for feeling like this. Can anyone please offere any advise as it is destroying me. Thankyou for reading.
    eyepilot13 likes this.
  2. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for the loss.of your husband first. Then im.sorry your experience has left you doubting yourself.please dont.do.that. I don't think you had real.feeling for this person that you met online..I think that you were putting feeling for.your husband towards him. This is why I no im.not ready to date because I'm still mourning even after it being two years. He was the live of my life and the father of my children so.i know I'll never be able to replace him.i wouldn't even try but I know I can't even just look for.companionship right now because I still can't believe he's gone. Give it a little more time before trying to.search for.someone. It okay to.look.for.a friend to talk.to but don't push anything. Mayb try a widow site. I wish you luck but don't rush anything.
  3. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Carron, I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. Nothing prepares us for such a loss. I lost my husband 3 1/2 years ago to a sudden and massive heart attack that took him from our beautiful life in 2 hours. I know the loss you’re feeling and understand your desire to fill that void. I agree with Sweetcole, you didn’t really have feelings for this man. It’s strange how grief works. We’re all different in how we process our loss. There’s no right or wrong, and sometimes we just need to fall a little to realize this isn’t right just yet. You will never have any judgement from anyone on this site, please to worry about that. This man hurt your feelings and gave you self doubt. I’m sorry that happened. We all seem to go through a time that we aren’t thinking clearly. I’d say I still experience that from time to time. Therapists say not to make any life changing decisions for at least a year after your loss. I personally think that time frame should be longer. I’m not saying that you looking for companionship is or was wrong, I thinking maybe too soon. Take the time to be kind to yourself, take care of you. You’re important and your husband wants you to be ok. And enjoy life. He’s with you and will always be with you. Wishing you peace and strength. Robin
    Sweetcole likes this.
  4. lredditt

    lredditt Well-Known Member

    Hi Carron and anyone who may offer words of encouragement. It has been one year and 17 months. I have dated someone for a little over six months. I enjoy his company but he skips a day sometimes and does not call. This makes me feel more lonely than ever. I miss having someone to talk with. I pace the floor waiting for him to call. I swim laps regularly and am also in grief groups. I still feel so very lost. This year is worse than the first year!!! Is this normal?

    My children are my first husband's and have their own lives - older with their own families. I live alone with my two dogs. I have two jobs - one in charge of fifteen schools and another as a professor. I also have two acres. I feel so very alone. How do you handle this? Thank you, Lorry
  5. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    First im sorry for your loss. The loneliness is definitely suffocating. Im glad that you do things to keep busy. I hope that the guy that you're dating start giving you more attention. You were brave to approach the dating scene again so.i hope you find what you looking for..My kids are younger and depend on me so they keep me busy but I miss their dad everyday. I think of the things we would be doing with the kids and how much we'd get done around the house. Talk to your kids about how you feel and see if you could visit and spend a little time with them and spoil your grand children. I applaud you for staying focused. Continue to stay strong .
  6. Patrick49

    Patrick49 New Member

    My deepest heartfelt sympathies. I suffered the loss of my beautiful wife of 47 years in July, 2022. Although she passed after a long illness, the loss was very difficult to accept. During the journey, I found relief and perspective for not only deep personal loss, but for life itself. We are spiritual, emotional, and physical beings. Whenever one or more phases of our life are in pain, there is an imbalance. To cope with my loss, I found spiritual help in renewed dedication to my faith. To address the emotional pain, I am participating in a grief support group. To address the physical, frequent exercising and socializing through Silver Sneakers Program helps enormously. We are only here in this life for a brief moment in time, I hope you find the healing that allows you to move forward. Remember, our lost loved ones are waiting for us, make them proud by dedicating your life to their memories. However, there is no time limit on grief and grieving. Hoping your journey is filled with wonderful memories, good health and spiritual renewal. Deepest regards, Patrick 73