Getting through graduations, holidays and other events. Help needed

My beloved husband and my son's graduation from high school is coming up. Every time I think of it, I feel like I am drowning in grief. My husband would have been too sick to attend, but he would have been waiting at home to see the diploma, hear all about it and celebrate. Now it will just be my son and me. My sister said she will try to come, but can't commit. That's the kind of family I have. How will I get through the ceremony without losing it completely? How can I make it a nice day for our son? I cry at graduations anyway, but this one will be unbearable, as will Father's Day and birthdays, and Thanksgiving and Christmas and so much more. How can I be strong and act in a way that would honor my husband? Please give advice. I am so sad and afraid without my husband of 40 years. I can't believe he is gone. It will be two months on 5/9 and it seems like forever.

 

Daisy, I can feel your pain in your words. I know its easier said than done, but if you can, just try and focus your mind on your son, trying to concentrate on the preparations and arrangements, to make this special day as special as possible for him. He needs you now more than ever, to be strong. Another way to get through this is to think that you're doing this to honour your husband, to make him proud of you both. This is what I did. I got my strength from these thoughts. I kept imagining what my husband would want, suggest, approve of, and this helped me enormously. That underlying sadness during moments of joy will always be there, of course, this is absolutely normal.
We all have our own different ways to get through birthdays, anniversaries, fathers-day, etc. My way is to just treat them like any other day, I don't even mention them with my children and they don't either, it would just be too painful. It's difficult to ignore Christmas of course, but I still haven't put up the tree since my C left us, nearly two and a half years ago. I still can't bake all those special cakes my husband loved, or cook the traditional dishes for special festivities. There is just no sense, without him, I know my kids understand. On the other hand, others who have lost a soulmate, find comfort in continuing to celebrate special occasions, to honour their memory. It's a personal choice Daisy, whatever you decide will be your "natural" decision and will feel right for you. Maybe you can discuss this with your son, if he feels up to it.
I hope I have helped you a little, but like I told you in your other thread, I went through exactly the same situation with my daughter's graduation, you are not alone in this. Even just sharing our fears together can alleviate this pain we're all going through.
All the best.
Rose.

 

Daisy, since Linda and I did not have
children, I can't address the apprehension
of breaking down at graduation ceremonies for them, as you and Rose
did. However, I agree with Rose about
holidays and anniversaries, and treating
them as just ONE DAY. Mother's Day and
Father's Day are easy for me, bc my folks
are long gone, did not share in my
happiness when I married Linda, and
are long gone. I ignore Valentine's Day,
but am grateful we had what would be
her last one, in our favorite restaurant.
Thanksgiving was rough, bc , like Robin's
Ron, Linda died right before the holiday
in 2018. A family , who Linda never
knew, has "adopted" me. I'm the same
age as the grandparents, their daughter is
like a daughter to me, and her 2 high
school children, are like my grandchildren.
I feel blessed on that day. Linda and I
didn't have any friends , or family, so
the woman who became my "daughter",
was the only person I knew to call when
Linda died. I cried on her shoulder, but
eventually saw a grief counselor. I do not
recognize the sad anniversary of Linda's
death, bc I don't want to relive those
last moments over and over again. I do
note her birth date, bc she came into this
world long before she met me. Lou

 

Oh Daisy this is a tough one. Not sure I have any advice. You are so new to your loss and I'm so sorry you are going through this stress and fear. I hope your sister comes you need support. Is there anyone else that can come with you for support? If it was me I would pray to my higher power for strength to get through the graduation as best I can. There are times we need spiritual help. I don't know if you believe in a God or faith, but it really helps to go beyond our human thoughts.
Daisy, you can only do the best you can and not expect more or less. If you could lift the worry about the graduation you may feel stronger.

I lost my husband 2 1/2 years ago to cancer. Now, I take him everywhere I go, talk to him every day. I feel his spirit always with me. Believe your husband will be with you at the graduation and in believing this it will give you peace and strength. Blessings to you and your son, Karen

 

Hello Daisy,

These days are so hard! I’m so sorry that your family is not supportive. That can make everything more lonely and difficult, and probably more painful. I don’t really have any advice except to be gentle with yourself. Take each moment as they come, and see if it’s possible for you to sit near an exit if you need to step out and breathe. Karen’s advice is very good. If there is any friend who can support you, that could make things a little bit easier. These are among the most difficult days of grief, these big events that we face alone. I am so sorry. If I were closer, I’d be happy to go along. I also agree with Karen. Your husband will be there. I feel my husband’s presence all the time, and I take something of his with me to important events — his wedding ring, something that brings his spirit along that you can hold on to. You are remarkably strong and brave for doing this—you are impressive. I’m with you, and you have got this. Hugs and comfort ❤️

— Deborah

 

Rose, are you familiar with Sadie Beyl who started -- Mourning to Light series on grief on the internet. She lost her husband suddenly. Her address is: 46 via Supportici, Pacentro Italy.
Just wondering if you are close to her area. Karen

 

Thank you for your kind and supportive words. I do hope my sister will come. I don't see how she cannot, but I don't know. I do believe in God and will pray for help, support and strength. I also talk to my husband all the time, but I miss him horribly.

 

I am so glad that you have an "adopted" family. I know nothing can make up for the loss of your beloved wife, but having support is helpful.

 

Thank you so much, Daisy. As I've said before,
some women friends, either widowed ,
or divorced,have also "adopted" me as a
dance partner, not as a boyfriend. They
know I don't want to get married again,
and neither do they. Bc of all my dancing
'til after midnight , I jokingly call myself
Lou Travolta, on& off GIC. Lou

 

Thank you Karen. When I saw that address, I thought to myself, well, that sounds familiar. I looked up Pacentro on the Internet and found that it's a little village in the beautiful famous Maiella National Park, which is a mountain range in the Abruzzo region, central Italy, about 3 hours"drive away from me, very popular with tourists, excursionists, Summer trekking, skiing holidays. I had to hold back the tears because in the Summer of 2020, my C and I had visited this area (not that particular village, but other towns nearby higher up on the mountains, with his motorbike. We had loved it so much that we had gone back that Summer for further day trips. These were our last trips together before that November afternoon that turned my life upside down. Gosh, I still find it so surreal saying these words.
Anyway, I have started reading about Sadie on the web, (she was also born in London and is a TEFL teacher, like me), looking at interview videos on youtube, and finding her words very interesting and helpful, relating to all those feelings she describes, especially the fact that we are no longer the person we were with our soulmates, that person died with them, we now need to discover the "new us". I agree with this, obviously it doesn’t mean losing our connections with our life partners, I have personally come to the conclusion that we have a sort of spiritual 'umbilical chord' with them, which will never be detached, it will actually keep on providing the nourishment we need to go on, helping us in our daily struggle, feeling their love comforting us, as we stumble and fall, giving us courage to quickly get up again.
Rose.

 

Daisy,

Although the anxiety can become overwhelming as your son's graduation day approaches, your instinct to survive the ceremony will "kick in" as well as your knowledge that your beloved husband is with you and your son spiritually; though not physically. A saying just came to my attention, yesterday:

"Courage is being really, really scared....... and doing it anyway."

I "second" every word in Rose's post; in particular, Rose's comments about graduation day being your son's special day with the focus on him. It will be hard, but you will get through it. While it is unfortunate that any other family members may not be present, that is not important. It is your son's day - a day to celebrate with his mother here on earth knowing that your husband is looking down from heaven smilimg radiantly at both of you. When the cake is cut, a slice can be placed on a plate for your husband.

Georgine

 

Garbear, loving my cane .

Garbear, my first attempt with a pic. Loving my cane .

 

Thank you for your kind and supportive words. I do know that my husband will not miss his son's graduation day. He will be there in spirit, enjoying every moment. I just wished he hadn't had to leave us so soon.

 

Garbear, here is my pic. Hope it comes through.

 

Garbear, another attempt. Pic coming of my cane you so graciously made for me.

 

Daisy,

You are most welcome. Enjoy that beautiful day with your son knowing that your husband is with you in spirit.

Georgine

 

Rose, I love what you referred to as a spiritual 'umbilical cord' with them. Yes. Nice story about your trips to the Maiella National Park, such good memories for you and C. We do carry the memories in our hearts always.