Freebies - Do you see them as a gift or a disguise? What happens to bonding after loss?

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by LostThomas, Nov 14, 2023.

  1. LostThomas

    LostThomas Active Member

    In all my years on this earth I have not witnessed cynicism to the degree that I see today. It makes us blind to the things that really matter. I've seen it invade the lives of my own adult kids and often I'm losing the struggle. That's hard to take given the losing I've already had to endure. If you're expecting empathy spilling out of cynicism that's healthy. Surprised? That's the brilliance of being hopeful. But what if you were not expecting empathy, then what? How long really does it take to answer that question? I just put this question to the test, giving myself exactly 60 seconds to answer it. I couldn't decide on the answer, so I asked Abbey, my cat. She rolled on her back and turned her head upside down. I'm familiar with that pose and when I see it, I put her first. It just feels like the right thing to do.

    The love of my life and I had our bonding moments in lots of ways, but we never talked about them as bonding events. I don't know why we didn't. Some stuff just seems to happen. There were occasions where the word bonding did surface in our lives though. It was always during times where one or the other of us either had to do something unpleasant, or we wanted to do something that the other wasn't in the mood for. It might go like this....Thomas says, "Mitzi, since we're over here I'm just going to pop into Home Depot, ok?" Mitzi replies, "No Thomas, we don't have time to do that today, you can go there whenever you want tomorrow." Thomas says, "Well, Mitz, you could hang out in the plants, and I'll be 2 aisles past the light bulbs, take as long as you want. We can make it a bonding event and stop at Wendy's on the way home for a shake." Mitzi changes lanes putting Home Depot at risk and says, "No Thomas, you can bond with light bulbs tomorrow, I already took hamburger out of the freezer."

    See what I mean? What was the shake, a gift, or a disguise? What was important here? Was it a plant, something past light bulbs, plans Thomas had for tomorrow, thawed hamburger, Mitzi's plan for tomorrow that Thomas had nothing to do with? For the record there is no relevance involving frozen hamburger to a broken 3/16th inch drill bit. In other words, bonding is subjective, unless it's 'felt'.

    We miss those we've lost in so many ways. Even when we weren't bonding, we really were because we were hopeful of an outcome that we "felt" as a gift. Even when we wrap a gift, to disguise it, the bond of giving and receiving creates the brilliance that keeps us hopeful.

    What's cynicism got to do with all this? I still don't have an answer to the question - of not expecting empathy from cynicism. All the cynics must do is turn a page toward hopefulness. Waiting for your turn to speak is the hard part. You must listen, for as long as it takes.

    In a love letter I wrote to myself and published publicly later, I shared the following from Psalm 147 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds". Thank you, God, for sending Mitzi to tend to my wounds. I don't fully understand what is 'felt' now...but I'm hopeful...for as long as it takes.

    Countess Joy and Rose69 like this.
  2. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Lost Thomas, I understand what you are trying to say. My motto now is "Bonding after loss" remains forever. This continuing bond gives us strength to go on. Without it, I wouldn't be able to. Isn't that partly why we use the word soulmate?