Finding your deceased parent

Discussion in 'Loss of Both Parents' started by Ashley Jenkins, Mar 11, 2017.

  1. Ashley Jenkins

    Ashley Jenkins New Member

    My Mom passed away somewhat unexpectedly in September of 2016 and my Dad 2 years before. Both of my parents were alcoholics and my Dad passed away from liver failure because of it. Although they weren't married anymore, they had been highschool sweethearts and were still friends. Its was very hard losing my Dad but even harder losing my Mom. I live in her home and had been for the past 4 years. She had been helping my husband and I get back on our feet after losing our house. She had always been somewhat of an alcoholic but when my Dad passed it got worse. She would blame her drinking on my Dad passing which would make me mad because she had always been a drinker. I relive the day she died every time I walk out of my room. She had been on pain medicine (oxycodone) for over a year due to hip bursitis and two weeks before she passed her doctor also put her on morphine, which I didn't find out about until she passed away. The morning of the day she passed started out like every other weekend. She knocked on my door at about 7-730 asking for her keys (i took her keys whenever she drank so she wouldn't drive) so she could go get something to eat, which really meant vodka. She brought back doughnuts and of course her vodka, which she tried to hide. (I would get upset when she drank after recently losing my Dad because of alcohol) My husband and I ate a couple doughnuts with her and went back to sleep because we had been up really late the night before. About an hour later I woke up because of music playing really loud outside of the house. I went out and my Mom was locked in her car asleep with the music blasting. It took a while to get her to unlock the doors, she kept saying she just wanted to list to music and she was completely intoxicated. I told her I would put music on for her in the house and that she needed to go to sleep because she was too drunk. I struggled to get her in the house and to her bed. I sat her layed her down and she looked at me and started crying and said "I've been talking to your Dad all day, I miss him" I got mad and told her to stop using him as an excuse to get drunk and that I hated it when she drank. I turned music on on her phone and walked out the door. I heard her say I love you Ashley but didnt respond because I was mad. I went back to my room and fell back asleep with my husband. We woke up a few hours later and decided to got to Dairy Queen. I walked out of my room and my husband came out after me and went into the bathroom. I looked towards the kitchen and saw my Mom sitting on the floor in front of the fridge with her head rested against it and thought oh great not again (she falls all the time and its hard to get her to get up) I called to my husband that I was gonna need his help getting her up again and walked over to her. I put my hands on her shoulders and gently shook her saying Mom? She didnt respond so I shook her a little harder, thats when I noticed the stiffness and how cold she was. I bent down to look at her and saw that the side of her face was purple. I screamed for my husband, he came running from the bathroom. I was freaking out at that point, grabbed my phone and ran outside to call 911. My husband had laid her down and tried to give het cpr but it was too late, she had passed away a couple hours before. While the police and paramedics were assessing her I looked at my phone and realized I had gotten a text message from her a couple hours earlier and a voicemail from her a couple hours before the text, neither if which I had heard because I was asleep. The text message said I love you and the voicemail, which has me really messed up, says "beana please help me" Beana was her nickname for me. Everyone says its not my fault, and that she could have been fine when she left the voicemail. (she would call and text me all the time saying she needed help and there would be nothing wrong when I went to her, she'd just say "hi" and thought it was funny. But I feel that it is my fault, that if I had been awake I would have heard my phone or if she had fallen down. I feel like I let her down, I wasnt there for her when she needed me. She was always there for me and never let anything happen to me but I let her die alone while I was sleeping not even 20 feet away. She passed away from accidental acute intoxication due to morphine and ethanol she had taken her new morphine while drinking. I relive this everyday because I still live in the house. My family doesnt care and Im having a really hard time. Can anyone relate at all?
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Ashley, I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss. It is so hard to lose someone we love, but it is especially complicated if we feel that we could have prevented it or done something differently. Friends and family will be quick to try and make a griever feel better in these circumstances saying: there's nothing you could have done. But I don't see that it ever brings much comfort. If you are feeling guilt or responsible, that is a very hard thing to be talked out of. However, I do want to share with you something that I always say in the groups that I run...
    did you do the best you could with the information you had at the time? Not the information you have now, but the information you had then.
    Meaning, if you had known of this terrible outcome, would you have slept? Of course not. But you didn't know and you couldn't know. And now you are blaming yourself as if you had access to information that you didn't.
    It's something grievers do all the time, and it's the hardest thing to get past.
    There sounds like there was a lot going on with your mom that would be beyond anyone's control - maybe even hers.
    If there's one thing I do know is that a mother would never want her child to suffer. Try and think about what your mom would say and whether she would blame you. Would she want you to be suffering now and blaming yourself? I can't answer that for you, but I think you know and can find comfort in what your mom would say if she were here.
    I'm glad you have found our site and I hope we can be a help to you. Please take of yourself.
    Wishing you all the best~
    Vana and Sad sad sad boomer like this.
  3. Sad sad sad boomer

    Sad sad sad boomer New Member

    It is the "if onlys" that will drive us the most crazy, but you could not have known, I hope you are able to not punish yourself
    for not being there. You were dealing with a lot. I totally get how you feel more sad, and let down, by your family. I felt the death of my father more than my own mother, and still cry when I see his pictures. I am the saddest family member it seems. But on to you, I know it is hard to motivate, but putting together a picture tribute to a cherished family member,
    might help you remember some good times, and keep you busy. I pushed away a fiancé with a drug problem, to find out he died, regretting how he messed up and never got over me. YES I know about guilt.