My mum passed away on the 26th of August, quite unexpectedly. She had some health complications, but nobody expected her to pass away. I'm feeling lost in more ways than I could have ever imagined. Besides my usual anxiety-prone state of mind and ruminations, that have drastically increased lately, I'm attempting to somehow process (what does that word even mean?) my loss, a process that has been going poorly because all the rest is easier to think and worry about. Usually I'd turn to my mum in moments like these. I no longer feel like a person without my mum. In the moments I do feel like a person, I don't feel like the person I am and know. I now get homesick if I'm not home during the evenings, I'm angry at the people closest to me, have no motivation yet manage to overwork myself, and a bunch more. I feel I can't plan for the future because I don't know how I will react or feel in the moment (''Yes dinner Tuesday sounds great'' turning into feeling like crying because I want to go home, but being bored and lonely when home). I'm exhausted of my emotions and of reality, of needing to keep on going and taking care of myself and my family. I wish things could go back to how they were before.