Feeling Like I Am In Limbo And Lonely

I lost my husband to stomach cancer in Feb. 2019. I feel like I have been proactive in dealing with my grief. I am lonely and I feel like I am in limbo trying to figure out what's next in life. I work a full time day job; therefore, the only free time I have is evenings and weekends. My friends are married and most work full time too. They have their own families. I do go out with my married female friends for lunch or supper on occasion. I have been invited a few times to participate in social events with couple friends. Definitely different now. Even though I feel like a third wheel, I do enjoy the social aspect. I live in a town where there really isn't many places to meet single people. I do not go to clubs or bars. I do make myself go out to eat (not fun alone!). I go to Bible studies at my church when they are at night. I exercise at a gym. I do go to church. I get frustrated when I hear advice of join a club or volunteer. That would be a great option if I was retired. Most clubs and other activities in my area meet during the day. I have looked at social weekend clubs and activities - which most I would have to drive an hour or more - and is an option for the weekend. I have chatted online and I have visited dating sites. I have found with most dating sites that you have to pay in order to really communicate effectively with someone. I have also found with most chat sites and some dating sites that people are fake, scammers, or sexually focused minded. I have never really had a lot of female friends, and it would be nice to have female friends to do things with and talk to. I do miss male companionship. Where do you meet nice respectful single men in their 50's? I feel like I am standing in the middle of a giant circle wondering which direction to walk and the process. My days seem like there is no purpose or direction. I get up, go to work, come home. Weekends I ask myself ok what are you going to do today. Most of the time the answer is I don't know and end up piddling the rest of the day. I don't want the rest of my life to be like that. I feel like I can live alone, but I feel like I am separated from people in general because I am a widow. I hate feeling lonely. I hate the void inside of not having someone to care for and to be cared for by someone. I know my children, my brother, and my friends love me and support me, but it is just all so different. A piece of me is missing. No one can understand that feeling unless they have walked in my shoes. I do try to keep a positive attitude. I do try to remember that God gives me the strength and guidance to walk each day. Lately I have found myself crying and thinking of my late husband when I go to bed. I miss him. I just wish I knew what direction my life is going and had friends/companionship to lessen the loneliness. I know I can do activities alone, but I do not enjoy doing activities alone. It is more enjoyable to have someone to go on vacation with, to go to the movies with, to eat out with, or to call/text with. I am just in limbo and lonely asking when shall this too pass?

 

Hi Catty,

I feel like I could've written what you did. I wish I had an answer, I try keeping the faith and I tell myself when the timing is right something will click. It will be a year for me soon, so I'm not sure I'm ready to date, but thoughts of it are there. There's one man, but I consider it more of a friendship. Also am not interested in a dating site. As I said, I wish I had some type of answer to tell you. I can say that you're not alone in these feelings.

 

Thank you Glego for your words. I am not not ready for a heart relationship right now, but I would not mind having a friendship/companion to do activities with. It is just so frustrating at times! I do hope that when the timing is right something will click. Covid 19 hasn't made things easier. It is harder to engage in social activities with all the social distancing. I am thankful and feel blessed that I do have my friends and family, but everyone has gone back to their normal life while I am still adapting to my "new normal". I try to honor my husband's wish for me to be ok and to be happy. I don't want to have a "woe is me" attitude. It is good to be just able to vent and know some people understand your feelings.​

 

Hello Catty. Like Glego said you have written my thoughts/and feelings so accurately.

It has been a year since Mike died and I do feel ready for some male companionship. He fought a long hard battle with cancer and I do believe what the Hospice people called "anticipatory grief" has been part of my journey. He was very ill for the last 15 months that we had together. I don't think I could go for anything serious as my heart is still so in love with Mike but a casual relationship for social outings, dinner, movies, walks etc would be good. But how do you meet someone? All our friends were couples. Social occasions are pretty much non-existent with Covid. I haven't tried on-line ... one hears so much about bad experiences. I don't want an on-line relationship, it would have to be someone local. I need hugs.

Time will settle it I guess.

 

Your words are exactly how I feel, my Mike passed April 2019 and just recently the loneliness has been so over whelming and I’m really missing the intimate side of our marriage what I would give just to cuddle and kiss my darling one more time

 

Hello Catty. I too know exactly how you feel. I lost my wife in July to a stage four cancer that we did not even know she had. It has been very lonely and difficult. Many times, I feel like I just don't belong anywhere. Very recently I signed up on one of those internet dating sites. It seems OK but I have only exchanged messages with a few women. I have not gone out or met anyone in person. Oddly enough, sometimes I feel guilty about it. I don't know why. The guilt just adds to my sorrow but I don't want to be alone. I am retired so every day is like your nights and weekends. It is so hard to be adrift in these sad waters that we never asked or expected to be in. There is no clear direction or end. I only pray that we will all eventually find some joy again.

 

Yes, the guilt. I'm in the same spot, it's not easy and that's okay it's a testament to the love. This is when you learn the lesson that you can feel lonely even though you're with someone. When it's not that special person your heart is looking for them.

 

Maybe the guilt is a testament to the love. I hope so because then maybe I won't feel as bad about it. Thank you for writing Glego.

 

Leaf, you're welcome. We're all in this club that we don't want to belong to.

 

I’m new on this site and I feel so much better reading that what I feel and am going through isn’t unusual. I lost my husband in July 2020 after finding out he had esophageal cancer in June, we thought with treatment we would have a few more years but he was gone so quick. I’m so lost and don’t know what to do. I’ve gotten on dating sites hoping to find someone to talk to and do activities with but haven’t had much luck, like other people have said a lot are scammers or just want sex. Then I feel guilty that I’m even looking for someone else, my husband and I were married 36 years and we did everything together and I loved him so much. I just feel so lost and I don’t know what to do.

 

Dear Lost, give yourself some time. I lost my husband December of 2019. I'm nowhere ready for a dating site, I too find the idea of a relationship a little much right now. I understand the loneliness. We were married just short of 30 years and we dated for seven+. I do have a casual male friend that I see every so often, however I've found that even while spending time with him I'm still lonely. My take on this is that it's my husband that I want, and of course like you there's that guilt.

As for what to do, I can only speak for myself. Friends have been a big help, getting out for walks and in time I'm going to join some meet up groups when socializing is back. Right now, I've stopped looking and I'm going to let it find me as I go about doing things that I enjoy.

 

Hi - I hve been a widow since sept , 2019 , I hve a widower friend- we do things together but many times I wish my late husband was sitting there instead - this is do very very hard we were married for 33 years , met 35 years ago

 

I agree w Glego - I figure will give this to God - if He Has someone for me He will place that person in my life - right now even 17 months out - I really don’t think am ready for a 2nd love - long term committed relationship yet !!

 

The same, I would rather have my husband here. Also as crazy as it may sound when he does visit, I don't want him sitting in the chair at the kitchen that was his, restaurants where we went are also off limits, we went to one and I almost had a meltdown. I don't care if people think I'm nuts, just have to go through whatever it is that comes up.

 

I am going thru much the same and feel for all who have lost a LONG time Partner/LOVE. I was with my little girl for 30 years, day & night. Then, in an instant, she is gone! SO sad! The difficult part for me is recognizing the reality. I truly believe we are not meant to live our life alone and die in Solitude. At some point, we need to force ourselves out the door and find a partner we can share the remainder of our time here with...

 

My wife died suddenly, after battling
cancer. She was only 68. I cry as I write
this. When she became ill, she made me
promise that if anything happened to
her, that I would try to be happy. She
even wanted me to be with another
woman, and not live alone.
But, I agree with Longstem and
Glego. I will never "get over" my wife's
death, just try to "go through" my grief.
Even if another woman comes into my
life, she will not replace my wife.
Van

 

Hi, My name is Debra, and I just want to say that I'm so sorry that you lost your wife. I know how much that hurts!! As I just lost my husband of 40 years on February 11th. And I too, agree with Longstem and Glego. There is no possible way that I would ever "get over" my husband's death, or just try to "go through" my grief. And no matter how much time passes, I could never even think of being with any one else. Feel free reach out to me anytime...

 

Debra, thank you so much for reaching
out to me this morning, & for your very
kind condolences for the death of my
wife, Linda. I am so sorry about your
husband's death, after 40 years of
marriage. Linda went into a rehab center
in a nursing home for physical therapy
while she battled breast cancer & a pain
in her back. I would have to ask the
nurse on duty, for more pain medicine.
One day, Linda collapsed in front of me,
& told me to push the button for help.
Those words were the last words she ever
said to me. I ran down the hall, yelling for
help, bc the nurse had left her station.
The last I saw of Linda, the nurses were
lifting her off the floor, on to her wheelchair. I sat in the front of the bldg,
sobbing uncontrollably, bc in my heart,
I knew it was over, the awkward, twisted
way she fell, & that I was helpless to save
her. Her favorite nurse, also in her 60s,
came over & quietly told me that Linda
had no pulse, & the rescue squad was
trying to revive her on way to the ER. I
followed in another ambulance. The
driver wanted to talk with me, but I
said no. When I arrived at the hospital,
the ER doctor told me what I instinctively
knew: Linda was dead on arrival. I was
numb, a zombie, in a state of shock. I had
PTSD, bc I couldn't get that last image of
Linda out of my mind. I went to a grief
counselor to deal with my extreme
bereavement & guilt that I couldn't
save Linda. After many sessions, she
suggested The Widower's Notebook, a
memoir, by Jonathan Santlofer. I read the
first few pages, but had to put it away, bc
I was weeping. His story was so similar to
mine. His wife, Joy, of 40 years of marriage,
died suddenly in front of him. A few
weeks, went by & I started the book again,
in the morning, over coffee, not at bedtime.
After that horrific first chapter, I couldn't
put the book down, bc he dealt with the
ups & downs of their marriage. He did it
with honesty & humor about their love
for each other. I thanked my counselor for
the book. Linda died over 3 years ago, but
I didn't join this wonderful site with kind
people like you, until July of this year. I
woke up in the middle of the night, bc I
had a dream that I was hugging Linda
tightly so she wouldn't let go. I was wide
awake, & decided to get on GIC, & was
pleased to see that you reached out to me,
as well as Helena. I will try to "talk" with
her and Jen tomorrow. May I ask your husband's name? It helps me to say
Linda's name. I see that you live in
California & love the beach. I live on the
northern coast of Massachusetts. Linda &
I grew up in different places, but both of
us were by the sea. After living inland.
I'm glad we were able to retire here, &
Linda could see the ocean one more time
before she became ill. Hope you stay on
Grief in Common, which has been a
lifesaver for me & other members. Lou