feeling invisible & quite misunderstood

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by susan beaulieu, Jun 26, 2021.

  1. susan beaulieu

    susan beaulieu Active Member

    things are getting hard now.
    its been a month & the children( grown) are misbehaving & IMO it all started with "the money"
    that aside....i feel they fail to recognize me as a woman who lost her husband and only see that they lost their father.
    of course they would deny this.
    weve all lost someone they would say.
    when i lost my own father last july...it was a long & agonizing slow decline.their"argument" is that i knew it was inevitable. when i stated that i would never get over it,i was told by one daughter that i had to understand that these things happen....no one lives forever.that parents die.
    yes i was 58 and they are 25 & therein lies the difference.
    i have to bite my tongue.
    i can only say this to all of you.
    yesterday i snapped at one of them..it was sudden & without thought & i apologized tho i still dont believe i was wrong.
    my husband always told me i was the mother & i needed to behave so.
    he ,i do admit, enabled & infantalized these adults.
    who packed up his clothes & arranged for donation & was met with whining & resistance from these" children"? i had pulled out what they asked for as they did nothing(but complain)as the pile sat on the living room floor?
    i did..
    who paid his looming debts?
    i did.
    who is moving heaven & earth so we can remain in this apt.& dont have to rush to find another place that could house us all as it would be another stressor on top of losing their father?
    im hurting i miss him with all of my heart and soul.
    they are playing "the dead dad card"(their words not mine...so forgive its crassness) for all its worth & it really came to a head when it was time for the life insurance to be divided.
    my depression is creeping back in..
    i dont think my own loss is being recognized one bit..
    my own mother in law told me when i called her..."i feel sad for the children bc they lost thier father i feel sad for myself bc i lost my son"Period.i complained to my kids & was told i was being too sensitive.
    she calls my daughter regularly not me.
    i really really feel they are treating me the same way
    i lost my life partner & no one here is even recognizing it..not at all.
    if my children knew i was saying this all freaking hell would break loose...the floor would break open & i would be stranded & alone.
    so thank you for listening
  2. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Susan, oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. It shouldn’t be this way for any of us. Families should mourn together and give each other support. However, it doesn’t always go that way. I have my own story, and I’ve stopped all communication with my sister I’ve lost friends and other relatives. Everyone’s emotions are tied tight and things get said, feelings hurt and everyone is miserable. Possibly try to have a family meeting to bring everyone together and recognize we’re all hurting. Not all hurting the same we’re all different.maybe try to talk of special time and memories. No one understands the loss of a spouse unless they’ve been there. I’ve had people compare losing a dog and a nephew to losing my husband. I pray you’re getting counseling to help you through your family drama and of course your loss. You’re living together so you need to get along. I’m not sure why they would think they get part of the life insurance. That’s yours and you’re providing a roof over their head. I think maybe hold off on donating more clothes or anything, you need time. Just my thought that it’s too soon. I’m glad you came here to vent, you have friends here. And can get anything off your chest. Get outside and get fresh air all together or alone to get some space. I’m sorry no one understands your feelings, but how you’re feeling is normal. Take care, you’re important and not alone. I’m praying for you
    susan beaulieu likes this.
  3. susan beaulieu

    susan beaulieu Active Member

    thank you RLC i really needed that so far weve kissed & made up. my brother & i are working on the numbers now
  4. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    You’re welcome. Im glad your brother is there and helping. Emotions are high for each of you. You’ll come together and help each other. ❤️
  5. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Susan, I'm so sorry... Since my husband's death, I've had to deal with several insensitive family members, one who has hurt me more than I can ever express in words. I'm glad your relationship with your children has improved, and you have some support from your brother. It's way beyond difficult having to live through the heartbreak of losing your husband, without family making things worse. Sending hugs, and wishing you peace...
    susan beaulieu likes this.
  6. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    Hey how are you? I really hope things get settled. Thats added stress that you don't need. Grief is stress enough without the extra stuff that comes with it. Money can definitely divide a family especially when everyone feels.their entitled something. Its good that your brother stepped in to help you figure things out. After yall figure that out it'll probably jus be something else. I hope not though cause yall need each other right now. Vent here anytime thats what we're here for to listen, give advice and not judge. Praying for your strength and peace of mind.
    susan beaulieu likes this.
  7. susan beaulieu

    susan beaulieu Active Member

    thank you all so much...its wonderful to have a place & wonderful people to talk it out with..i gave the kids a spreadsheet with the numbers & so far i have no arguments..im so grateful for the insurance so im not complaining...as i mentioned before he had alot of debt & paying it off disrupts the flow & these kids have to understand that..its not my debt its our debt.
    i do know it seems very early to donate my husbands clothes....if it were up to my children i would never ever touch a thing.My husband was a hoarder however and the overflowing amount of stuff was overwhelming & simply messy.The packages of unopened & brandnew clothing and shoes that he never got a chance to wear absolutely broke my heart & i could not bear to look at them. i pulled out what was sentimental & important and the kids worked out what they could not part with..unfortunately we live in a small apartment with no space for storage..any spare space is appreciated..his personal effects his desk & the rest of his stuff & maybe important papers & gadgets & collections are still here & everyone helps themselves to what they want..