Feeling guilty about my relief. It's complicated...

Complicated & conflicted:

In November I suddenly lost my husband of 32 years. He was a waxing and waning alcoholic and in September I asked for a separation. It was liberating. But then "Bam" he was gone.
He was driving his truck while severely intoxicated and wrecked. Thankfully no one else was involved. Truly a blessing.
Now I am struggling with the relief of not having to deal with the alcoholism and all that goes with it and guilt because I feel so relived. Also of course, immense grief over losing someone who was by my side and my adventure buddy for 32 years and who is the Daddy to our 2 adult children. I also grieve for the losses that come with having an addicted partner, such as not having a happy marriage for all those years. Hoping to find a few people who have similarly complicated stories.
Thank you for reading....

 

I also feel somewhat of a sense of relief that I know that nothing worse can happen to my son again. It was a fear for 5 years. But I feel guilty for feeling that way. My dad was an alcoholic and though I didn’t live with him, I worried constantly. He died from alcoholism when I was 33. My ex husband and my son’s father was also an addict & there was so much that went with being the responsible adult in the house that it feels odd when it’s gone. My husband left after 24 years of marriage & I’m grateful now but it was very hard on my son’s and I to be abandoned. I didn’t realize how codependent I was until he left. Although I wasn’t an enabler with my son or husband life was good when they were sober. Our marriage was very hard but we did have good times. I’m sure the dysfunction was hard on our boys. My oldest son was mildly using at that time. But I think that pushed him into heavier use and harder drugs. Thank you for sharing your story because I can definitely relate to how you feel and I am encouraged that someone else has these feelings in that situation. It makes me feel more validated/normal about how I feel.