Feel Like I'm Sinking...

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by DEB321, Jun 23, 2021.

  1. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    deeper and deeper into this dark place that I'm not going to be able to pull myself out of. I wish I had an off switch for my brain. I can't stop thinking about my husband. I feel like I'm living in the past. Every memory, good or bad, has me in tears. I make it through each day the best I can. Every morning I find something to be grateful for. Today I'm grateful that the sun is out. I make lists of things to accomplish. Today my list only has two things on it, take a long walk, mail a birthday gift to my daughter. The future is scary. All of my dreams... plans... goals... shattered. I feel like the future is going to be a continuation of the present - More darkness, more pain...

    It's a beautiful morning, lots of sunshine, and I'm going to take a long walk. I don't feel like walking, but being alone and lonely inside this house, is only going to make me feel worse. I'm trying so hard to stay afloat.

    If you made it this far, thanks for "listening." I just needed to "talk" to people who understand. Wishing all of us peace... DEB321
  2. Songman

    Songman Well-Known Member

    Hi Deb321
    In reading your posts, I am amazed at your talent with words. You definitely are gifted in that respect. Have you ever considered designing a story based on your experiences? I really think you have a gift in creating vivid mental images with your words. Put your thoughts and memories on paper. It will help you and may help others. Please keep "talking" to us.
    God bless you, and may he give you peace.
  3. Songman

    Songman Well-Known Member

    cjpines likes this.
  4. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    It's been 7 months since I lost Jack and I'm still in darkness. Future scary. I don't know if you are a believer in a higher power; I talk to God every day asking his light to shine in me and heal me from all this pain and tears.

    I can't even think of parting with his ashes, as long as he's here in my room in his walnut urn with his favorite hat on, he's still with me and that brings me comfort.

    Keep posting, you have friends here that TRULY know.
  5. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Bill. You've inspired me to try this. When I go grocery shopping tomorrow, I'm going to pick up a notebook. I wake up in the middle of the night often, unable to sleep, so many memories flooding my mind... The next time this happens, I'm going to write about them in my notebook, instead of just lying in bed, wide awake, unable to sleep. If I can help at least one other person by sharing my thoughts, it would make me feel so much better.

    I'm glad I found this site, but I wish with all my heart, that none of us had to be a part of this group. As always, wishing you, all of us, peace. Debi
  6. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    All of your music is beautiful, but Gone is my very favorite song. It makes me cry every time I listen to it. It's just such so beautiful... Again, thank you so much for sharing your music with me, with all of us...
  7. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Karen, I'm so glad that you've decided what you want to do with your husband's ashes. As long as having his ashes near you brings you comfort, that's exactly where they should be. I have my husband's glasses, the pair I took home from the hospital the morning he passed away, on top of my entertainment center. My husband had cataract surgery at the end of last year. In the beginning of February, I brought him back to the ophthalmologist to have his eye checked, and to get a prescription for a new pair of glasses. The ophthalmologist popped the right lens out of the frame because after his surgery, he could see much better without it. I planned to take him to get a new pair of glasses soon after his follow-up appointment, but he ended up in the hospital again, in rehab again, etc... He had so many chronic health conditions that needed immediate attention, that we didn't have the time to get him a new pair of glasses. The morning he died, I took home that pair, still missing the right lens. I don't know why, but I can't part with this pair of glasses. I thought of this when you wrote that you have your husband's favorite hat on top of his urn. We need to keep, hold onto whatever brings us comfort.

    I plan on sticking around. I've finally found a place where I feel comfortable enough to share my feelings. This isn't easy for me, usually I'm a very private person. Thank you for sharing your feelings with me. As always, wishing you peace, wishing all of us peace. Debi
  8. Deb, I am not sure what to say but I just wanted you to know that we are here for you and with you. I think we all have many of the same thoughts. I know I agonize over the thought of going on alone. Like you we had so many plans for life after kids and teaching. We are best friends and always have been. We were friends before we became romantic and that friendship really saved me. I have never been one to have lots of friends, kind of a loner, but this is one friendship that I never wanted to end. I feel for you and I understand. I too have my wifes urn next to my bed where I can see her when I wake up and say good night when I go to bed. I have her pillow and her blanket next to me every night and her Mama Bear slippers next to the bed. Not sure I can ever part with those.

    Keep posting and we will be here with you and for you. I know it helps me just to ramble on and talk about Laurie. It makes me feel better. I am glad I found this site although I am sick that I had to.

    Peace to all of you and peace to our loved ones.
  9. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    Sorry again for your loss! You have the right mindset so I have to commend you on that. Making ain't of things to do each day is great. Everyday is challenge and giving yourself something to look forward to.in this storm awesome. I still have some rough days and having my kids motivate me to keep moving. Keep looking up! Pray for strength each day and you continue to get stronger. Continue to write your list as well.as your feelings down.
  10. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Mike. Although I wish with all my heart that none of us had to find this site, I'm glad that coming here and "talking" about Laurie is helping you. I've only been part of this group for a short time, but now, I can't imagine how I would get through this without all of you. It is a relief to know that others truly understand the unimaginable pain of losing someone who you loved, still love with all your heart, what grief really feels like... Sending you hugs, wishing you peace...
  11. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Sweetcole. I know that my husband would want me to get on with my life, enjoy it, be happy again... However, at this point in time, I can't imagine ever enjoying life, being happy again, without him, here with me. My husband would have done anything to still be on this earth. He wasn't ready to die. Even on his very worst days, filled with pain and suffering, he was glad to be alive, found reasons to be grateful. I want my husband to be proud of me, to know that I'm doing the very best I possibly can without him, here with me. My husband is my inspiration for me finding something to be grateful for each day. Keeping busy helps "numb" my feelings for a short time. I need a purpose in life. I need to rediscover who I am without my "person." For now, making a list of things I want to accomplish everyday gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I will do everything I possibly can to try to stop myself from sinking deeper and deeper into this dark place, unable to climb out of it.

    I'm glad you have your children to motivate you to keep moving. I pray daily. I know my prayers are being heard. I pray one day I will get stronger, all of us will get stronger. Sending you hugs, wishing you peace...
    Sweetcole likes this.