Father’s passing causing grief to revisit for brother and sister suicides

My father passed on May 4th last month. It wasn’t from suicide in the true sense of the word. Although he had a lot of health problems, he had been binge drinking for at least the last year and a half off and on after his wife died of pancreatic cancer. He had suffered a lot in his life. He was sober at the moment and passed in his bed presumably in his sleep (for that part I am grateful). He isn’t suffering anymore and his death was as peaceful as it could have been, although unexpected. I feel guilty for not helping him more. He wanted me to move in with him but I was afraid that would enable him to drink. He drank my whole life growing up and got sober after my mom divorced him. He stayed sober until my sister died 11 years ago. He gave her the gun she used to kill herself and I know that haunted him. I offered for him to move in with me if he was sober but he didn’t want to leave his home or church friends. I couldn’t drop my life and move 1000 miles away and go back to living in a constant crisis like how I grew up. But he really needed help with his health and managing his home. I lived with and took care of my grandmother who had dementia for 8 years and it took a big toll. I know that influenced my decision making too. My father was uninterested in my life or my daughters life until his wife passed and he needed help. Before that we would talk on the phone a couple times a year. So at the time I justified my decisions, I had to do what was best for me and my daughter. Now I feel like I should have done more to help him.

Since he died I can’t shake the feeling something terrible is coming. I have been dreaming of my sister and brother who took their own lives 12 years apart. One dream of my sister (looking emaciated) sitting next to my daughter on our couch. We were trying to get her to drink a protein shake. Suddenly in the dream I have an overwhelming feeling of evil and I ask her is there a demon here? She shakes her head yes. I started to say out loud in the name of the Lord Jesus get out as I wake up gasping.

My brother died in 2003 at 23 years old. My sister died in 2015 at 43 years old. I am 52 now

My brother took his life in the same manner as my sister. Since my father passed I am handling his estate and maybe it’s just all the guns he has in his house but I can’t get the images of their deaths out of my mind. It’s as if I just lost them again. I also keep having thoughts of picking up one of those guns and doing the same thing. I will not do it because I know my daughter would never be ok and I am not considering doing it. But the thought of doing it, the process, the images keep coming to my mind as if something is trying to persuade me. I pray God to take it away. I am so filled with anxiety and dread. I can’t seem to accomplish anything. We did have a car accident a week after he died that totaled the car so that’s not helping. There are so many other little things that are going wrong that added all together is overwhelming. I am praying for peace, guidance, and protection. Trying to take it moment by moment and not be frozen