Dreams and my future…..gone in

I agree with you on the paperwork. It’s never ending and just makes you feel worse. Staying busy can be helpful but not at 2 months. I did next to nothing for a long time. I couldn’t. Most people can’t. And people who haven’t lost their spouse have no real understanding of the devastation the loss causes. They can’t understand. Hobbies, sure that would be nice but I still haven’t gone back to most of my hobbies. It’s too hard. But getting fresh air, that does seem to help. It’s ever so slight at first but as time passes, fresh air helps more. Most people think you should feel better pretty fast. It’s just doesn’t work that way. Nothing in our lives is what is was. It’s a rough road for sure. I’m happy your daughter is offering support. Robin

 

Peg, I agree with Robin, as usual.Both of our spouses died, after many years of
marriage-- suddenly--- right before
Thanksgiving, 2018. I highly recommend
The Widower's Notebook , a memoir, by
Jonathan Santlofer. Jonathan's wife, Joy,
of 40 yrs. marriage, died right in front of
him , suddenly, just like my wife of 25 yrs.
did , in front of me. At first, I made the
mistake of trying to read the book in bed,
at night, but had to put it away, bc I was
sobbing. A week later, I started reading
the book, in the morning, with coffee.
Jonathan tells an honest, sometimes
humorous story of his marriage. He is an
artist, so there are sketches of his wife,
daughter, and himself. In regard to some
people in your life, including your
family, there is a chapter you will
appreciate: Stupid Things Said By Smart
People. I have the book by my bedside, and
reread some of the lighter, funnier
chapters. Lou

 

Hi, Peg
My partner died 9 months ago. You are right; you aren’t broken, you aren’t depressed. You’re grieving. And I’m so sorry.
This little documentary might provide something, I’ve shared it with a couple of friends and I think it helped them understand how complex life is right now.
I tend my garden to get outside and have nutritious food to eat… I’m barely maintaining it this year, I’m just so tired all the time. And the sad grief tears. And impatience, boy do I have low tolerance for the unnecessary right now.
Not sure any of that will be helpful.
In her absence let me paraphrase Deb, “I’m glad you’re here but so very sorry you have to be.”
~Bernadine
https://speakinggrief.org/documentary

 

Bernadine, I am so sorry for yours and everyone here's losses. I seem to be frozen and do not want to leave the house, not interested in doing anything. Me and my grief just stagnate all day. I read grief books, but really they do not seem to help at this juncture. Nothing does. When I read your post at 9 months it made me see this will be one long horrible journey. I will check out the documentary. Peggy

 

Peggy not long after Cheryl transitioned I had been having routine quarterly checkups. My next check up revealed the cancer was back. I was experiencing widow/widower fog, insomnia, and mourning intensely. I would tell myself when I got out of bed daily that I am dying. I had to deal with insensitive, heartless, and greedy family members months afterwards. This is what happens to us all. I see you having a huge advantage from reading Permission to Mourn. That is my go to book in moments of distress. I believe I tried 7 different sleep meds and bumped up my dosage of antidepressants. I put all my bills on auto pay because frequent mistakes. I couldn’t stand to watch TV or listen to the radio. I listened to the police scanner because it was all I could handle. Finally while doing stretches on my bed one day I watched PBS cartoons and enjoyed them. I’m still a big fan of Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood. The cartoons began to soften my heart in time. In order to move away from the grief we have to distract the mind. I started playing Staying Sharp Games on aarp.com and doing Freejigsawpuzzles.com. I walked in nature and rode my bike. I did everything alone. I got off the sleep meds in December and the antidepressants in April. My last rt will be the 15th. I truly believe I am finally rising out of the hopeless pit of dispair. At the local grief center I found volunteer work regarding habitat restoration. I had to do a year probation after loss before I could become a hospice volunteer. I just completed my training. There is a person in a nearby LTC facility that has no family and I may be able to visit them. It has taken a long long time to get my bearings. I have learned a lot from my friends at GIC. There are strengths in numbers. I hope some of this gives you hope. Hope is the only thing stronger than fear. Keep on trucking. Gary

 

I love the idea of habitat restoration, Gary. You’re doing such great healing work.
Peg, I have good days too. I have a puppy, well, a 10 month 63 pound puppy, we go for walks several times a day.
I participate in several groups online; dogs, gardens and spiritual development. Staying connected is important, this group has a specific niche in my healing but grief at 9 months isn’t as all consuming as it was at 2 months.
At 6 months I had a hell of a time, it was his birthday, our anniversary, I was tending a physical wound…. It just cycles around, grief feels like a spiral to me, every time I come back around I notice I’m a step further out. Sometimes big steps, sometimes almost imperceptible but the spiral is widening. When it’s all feeling too much “I’m strong enough to feel this” is my mantra. I yell it sometimes even just to get above the heaviness of grief, other days it’s a tiny whisper.
Hope will come, Peggy. It will. We can’t predict where and when. For now you’ve gotten some good ideas from the group.
Just a thought: Don’t take it personally if others don’t get it, we didn’t know either before we lost our soulmates. The deaths of others close to me didn’t prepare me for this loss, and two were significant. See, Every relationship, every timing, the manner of death, the personality and lifestyle… these all impact how we experience grief. Your journey can not be shared, it’s unique to you. Just as others, even our kid’s experience of death is unique to them. It’s hard. You can do this, when it’s dark remember “this moment isn’t forever” breathe and hang on for one more minute. You can.
~Bernadine

 

Bernadine, you are amazing: poet,
musician, artist. Thank you for the grief
documentary. I live in a town with
eccentric characters. If I were a filmaker,
I could do a Fellini like portrayal of the
quirky people I see ( but don't talk with)
every day. They have more problems with
loneliness than I do. Lou

 

Gary, you have been through much and It gives me hope. I am glad your health is improving. I wonder if grieving is different to navigate if you are male or female. I am trying to make baby steps, but that is all they are. My Jim was a musician also played in band for many years. He had so many musical instruments, guitars, drums, piano and amplifiers. He was gifted in so many ways. I spend too much time watching deadliest catch and restaurant impossible. They distract me in ways that are not triggers. I cannot listen to music or read anything other than grief books. I have always loved sci fi books, not now. When jim went into treatment and I was his care giver I lost 30 lbs. in a month. So i am trying to be healthier. I am still getting by hour by hour. I am a people person and hope to reach out in the future. I know it happens but I just cannot see a time where I will be able to move through life with any contentment, hope, or joy.
Peggy

 

Peg.like many GW, I couldn't listen to ANY
song without weeping. Linda & I went to
many live concerts, &we always had
music in our apartment. One morning,
over coffee, I played my favorite blues
song : by Muddy Waters--Hootchie
Cootchie Man, and I got my"mojo"back.
Now, I listen to all kinds of songs on my
Smart Phone & go to live bands, with a
buddy, whose soulmate died about the
same time as Linda. Music is central to my
life, and I hope it will be again, for you. L

 

So many to miss. I discovered yesterday that my car would not start. I dug around the garage till I found an instant starter kit. It had to be charged, so I charged it all night. Went out to hook it up to the battery and could not figure how to open battery box that enclosed it. Watched a utube video that showed all these things you had to remove first. Got disgusted called a tow truck for a jump. Drove it up to the garage and had them install a new battery. It made me realize how alone I am and that I have to figure out ways to handle life’s challenges. I missed Jim so much, he would have handled it in minutes. It upset me that I was totally stranded without a car and left me feeling helpless.

 

I know what you mean Peggy. When Cheryl was here I wasn’t worried about anything. Cheryl pitched in on snow removal, yard work, remodeling, ect. Cheryl went with me to the woods one night to help find a deer. Cheryl was like having an army on my side. It is devastating to lose our soulmates. I truly feel Cheryl’s presence at times. I like how you focused on the solution when the vehicle wouldn’t start. You researched the problem and tried your best. You knew when it was time to call for assistance. The Bottom line is your car starts now. Thank you for being so compassionate with me about going through a lot. I have met so many people that have it much worse than me. We are finally getting a break from the heat and humidity tomorrow. I can’t wait to get outside even though the mosquitoes are bad. I relax pulling weeds from Cheryl’s flower garden. We Keep on trucking the best we can. Sometimes our battle cry is stumble forward. You are a warrior. Gary

 

Hi Pegret, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband, but you've done the right thing joining this great community, you will find very understanding friends here. It's so true that only others who have lost a soulmate can relate, and sharing our personal thoughts and feelings together does give us the comfort and strength we need to carry on with this new life we've suddenly been catapulted into. My beautiful husband left this world nearly 21 months ago after 25 years of marriage, suddenly and unexpectedly, from a heart attack
He was only 57,fit and healthy, looked and acted younger than his age. He has also left his guitar, bass guitar, piano, sax, and other musical instruments. We had started learning how to play the piano together, it took me six months before I was finally able to sit on that bench again and continue with my playing (just a beginner). I don't want to sound negative, as it's still so soon for you, but I still find myself at times during the day, when I suddenly stop whatever I may be doing, and start crying out to him: "Where are you? You can't be gone, just like that, one minute you were here, the next....," and so many other desperate words. These 'grief attacks' (as I call them) hopefully, seem to be less frequent now.

Sending you comfort and strength.
Rose.

 

Rose, I agree that the "grief attacks", or
as Karen calls it, unwelcome visits from
Mr. Grief, are less frequent. One of my
triggers is a visit to the doctor, or to the
hospital , without Linda by my side. I
have surgery a week from today. Bc I will
be under anesthesia, I have a friend who's
driving me. I told the nurse on the phone
about Linda's death, and my manic
depression which makes me even more
emotional. She suggested I speak with my
NP about getting a prescription for a
Valium beforehand. She said it was better
to be calm. I did the same thing when I
had an MRI. I just got off the phone with
the nurse. Thank you & other GW for
listening. Lou

 

Rose, I understand my husband was only 59 and I thought we had eons. Right now it seems the there is no time in the day without triggers. Probably too soon as I am coming up on the 3 month mark. Grieving is like slogging thru mud, you keep trudging along but never get anywhere. I used to love my own company, now I loathe it.
Lou, I am sorry you are going thru so much. My adult son is bi-polar and it adds to everything. I hope you get that surgery behind you fast, so it is not looming in front of you.
Peggy

 

Peg, it means a lot to me that you revealed
your son's bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed over 40 years ago, and it was
called manic depression. I'm usually on an
even keel, unless I'm not sleeping, eating,
and walking, regularly., I'm less likely to
have depression ( aside from grief), now
that I stopped drinking . Thank you for
your kind words concerning my surgery.
I have found the anticipation is worse than
the event. Lou

 

Lou, sorry to hear you need to have surgery. I hope it's nothing too serious.
I can imagine how more vulnerable you must feel, facing this without your Linda, but don't worry, she will be looking over you.
Wishing you well, sending you a comfort hug.
Rose.

 

Peggy, you struck a chord in me when you mentioned your son's bipolar disorder. I don't talk about this much to anyone but my son is also going through a difficult time, since his teens, with a type of personality disorder/depression and is undergoing treatment. You're right, on top of this, we've also lost our husbands. Now, without his dad, it's so, so difficult for me and my daughter to handle this situation, at times. I know exactly what you're going through.
Rose.

 

Rose, woke up after 4am , my time, and
checked in with GIC. It was great to find you on here, comforting both Peg and me.
I like that we can be honest about mental
illness, and its' special toll on grief. Even
with meds, I can be up one day, and down
the next, especially during stressful
situations. The most stressful was seeing
my wife, Linda, collapse, and subsequently
die, in front of me. So, any visit to the
hospital can never be as traumatic and life
changing as that. I'm sure many of TGW
feel the same way. Now, I'll go back to sleep. Thank you, Rose. Lou

 

Lou I’m so sorry you need surgery. You’re in my prayers as always. Linda will be with you. I have the same angst you mention with doctor up visits without Ron by my side. Everything just feels wrong. I know you have all the warriors praying for you and a quick recovery. Take care Lou.
Robin

 

Count me in on prayers for you too Lou. Gary