Doomed from the start I guess.

To start this off, I lost my dad when I was 3 months old. Am I allowed to be here? Am I allowed to grieve? I feel like I’m always invading spacing whenever I talking about losing my dad because I lost him before I ever knew him. In a way, my mom raised me in a way that made me feel like I wasn’t allowed to feel any sort of way about the loss. But as an adult now I find myself always feeling uncertain. Alone. I’ve always felt different than everyone else. I cry during the daddy daughter dance at weddings(like, UGLY cry)and Sometimes I have to leave stores or restaurants if I see a man and his daughter out and about. It gives me a gut wrenching envy I can’t explain. I feel like I was not only robbed of a parent but an entire life and childhood. I’d also like to add that I was my dad’s youngest child, and only daughter of countless sons. Ive been told my entire life how much he loved me, that he handled my midnight feedings despite not doing the same for my brothers, that he used to set me up and sing to me with his guitar. Everyone said that I changed him as a person. I feel like I’ve been chasing someone my whole life who will love me that much. I am chasing a feeling I’ve never felt. Is there something wrong with me? I’ve always felt a pit of emptiness for as long as I can remember. Like something fundamental was missing. I don’t know what im going on about anymore, im just crying, venting, and trying to understand everything.

 

Nothing is wrong with you. You are experiencing normal reactions to the horror of losing a parent before you were able to really know them. Of course you are aching and yearning for him. It would be strange if you were not. Something fundamental was missing, and still is. It is uncomprehend-able because of the absurdity of this type of pain. The jealousy and difficulty seeing others experience what you did not have is understandable and very relatable. It's unfortunate that your mom did not leave enough room to continue loving and missing him in the way you have needed. It could certainly be due to her own pain regarding his death but it is still unfair to you. You are absolutely allowed here and most definitely should grieve the absence of a wonderful man. Thank you for taking time to put words to your pain and being brave enough to share with others.