Does this get easier

Lou,

I'm way too toasted (not in the way you're probably thinking, lol...) to write one of my "books," just short "chapters" for now.

Have lots of catching up to do, but I need a hit of caffeine, so keeping things short. I know Bob wouldn't let this one pass by him... I miss him so very much... Need a tissue... I've been fighting Mr. Grief since my son left. It SUCKS!!!

As always, sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou,

Robin said everything so much better than I could have. You are one of the strongest and most determined persons I know... You and Linda shared the most special, deepest kind, of love imaginable, to be able to not only survive the very worst of times, to come out of them just as much in love, most likely even more in love with each other... I need a tissue...

Love!!!, TUTTAM!!! the short version of the "Serenity Prayer."

As always, sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB





Love the short version of the "Serenity Prayer!!!"

 

Lou,

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!! It's so cool (really dating myself here!!!) sharing the same birthday as the USA. Hope you enjoyed every second of your very special day...

As always, sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace all of us peace. DEB, a/k/a The Debster

 

Thank you , Deb,for your kind words
of praise. I guess I am one tough S.O.B.,
one of the things Linda loved about me,
even if I could be a PITA at times. She
always knew I loved her. On the Fourth,
I met an artist, who had just opened a
gallery on the Neck. She's a free spirit.
My buddy, whose soulmate died 3 years
ago, went to the Whale's Jaw Cafe with me
Friday night, and she was joyously
dancing by herself. I told her about
Linda's spirit, living inside me. Linda
always bought a hot dog on the Fourth.
I told the artist that I bought TWO, one
for me, and one for Linda. She looked at
me with soulful eyes, and said, "what a
beautiful love story". I did not cry, and
spread the love to everyone I saw on the
Neck, all ages,both locals & tourists, dogs
& people. A woman who's like a daughter
to me, said she was amazed by my
transformation since Linda's death 3 & a
half years ago. Lou

 

Thanks The Deb. I needed that so not doing good big time emotional crash at dialysis yesterday VERY depressed. I know I shouldn't be and need to be TUGW... but I have NO energy for anything.. Love GP

 

George, none of TGW have to undergo
dialysis, aside from you. I cannot imagine
your pain and claustrophobia on
top of your daily mourning for Valerie. Lou

 

So sorry to hear you're undergoing dialysis, hope everything goes well for you.
Rose.

 

Lou, I just wanted to say how I love those words: "Linda's spirit living inside me", I feel that way too, my whole body, my mind, my heart are filled with my beloved C, if before we were two parts of "one", now I feel we have been 'fused' together and will stay forever that way, he will continue being in this world, sharing all the usual ups and downs, sadness and happiness, through me.
Hope you have a good day.
Rose.

 

Thank you, Rose. I like your word "fused",
to describe you & C., and Linda & me,
forever. On the Fourth of July, the birth
of my country, and my own birthday, as
well, I was an extrovert, telling many
people, both friends and strangers,that it
was my birthday. If I were alone with a
sensitive, compassionate person,I would
tell some of Linda's funny lines. She liked
to make people laugh, and now, so do I.
This morning, right after reading your
kind message, I cried a little about Linda.
I had a flashback to her room in the rehab.
unit of the nursing home. Previously, on
GIC, I had mistakenly said that Linda was
so bitter, with her painful physical therapy,
helping her walk, while battling breast
cancer & a severe pain in her back. I realized that, even toward her unexpected
end, Linda was kind to those who were
kind to her, not just me. She became
friends with her favorite nurse, Alice, who
was her age. She also liked a younger PT.
One day, I was taking a nap on the couch in
her private room. A golden retriever dog
woke me up by licking my face. The owner,
Linda's PT, also brought her little daughter,
who looked like Linda when she was that
age. I had brought in a battery operated
dog, which barked, & wagged its' tail, for
our amusement, bc we didn't have a dog.
When Linda first saw it, she cried, bc it
reminded her of our happier life at home.
The little girl loved the little dog, and
kept playing with it. Linda was in bed.
Linda & I looked at each other, and read
each other's minds. We decided to give
the little dog to the serious, quiet
little girl.



The next day, the PT
came into Linda's room, & said her
daughter had the dog by her side all the
time. Lou

 

Bro Bro Bro Bro George Bro. You are The Ultimate Grief Warrior. You are an inspiration to all of us. I started my rt 3 weeks ago and I remind myself that this is nothing like what our younger brother George is going through every other day of his life. I have been reading Conquest of the Mind to stop long rides on the crazy train. Kristin Neff has self compassion meditations on the net free. I like the basic 5 minute one. I saw the planetary alignment on summer solstice and an additional alignment 4 days later. I feel the power of universe is on our side. I’m always thinking about you George. Take care me Bro. Much love to you. Gary

 

Lou,

I love!!! how you chose to keep Linda's spirit alive on the very special birthday you share with our country. It made me teary eyed, but mostly only in the very best of ways... To repeat what that artist said, "what a beautiful love story!!!," TUTTAM!!! (had to add a little extra zip to it)

Two hot dogs every July 4th is a wonderful way to keep Linda close..., share this very special day together...

As always, sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

George,

I just wrote you a l o n g message, and almost like magic, poof... it disappeared. I watched it erase itself, too technically challenged to stop it, lol!!! I wish I knew what key I hit. For now, one of those mysteries..., Another one of those TBC's... Before I write you one of my "books" on life as a technically challenged person, I'm going to try to get back on track.

First, sending another GIANT!!! virtual hug your way... Feelings are feelings. You can't help how you feel. Try NOT!!! to beat yourself up with those "shouldn't be(s)." "Shouldn't be(s)" are like those "could have," "would have," "should have (s)," totally toxic!!!, TUTTAM!!! SCFED!!! (for added emphasis) I "get" it, and wish so much I could follow my own best advice, lol!!! It SUCKS!!! I'm still stuck on SUCKS!!!

You don't need to do anything. No matter what you think, you ARE!!! TUGW!!! Please try to be gentle with yourself. As Lou said, or at least I think it was Lou, foggy widow brain strikes again, you are the only one of TGW who has to endure dialysis. I can't even begin to imagine what it's like... I can't even begin to imagine having to sit in that chair, all that time... I can only imagine how easy it must be for Mr. Grief to plan an unwelcome attack while you're stuck in that chair... It SUCKS!!! On top of this you have to deal with the side effects of dialysis. The combination of missing Valerie, your soulmate, with all your heart, and dialysis, has got to SUCK!!! BIG!!! TIME!!!, TUTTAM!!! TUTTAM!!! TUTTAM!!! TUTTAM!!!, etc, etc, etc...

Stopping here, I lost my train of thought. I don't remember the rest of what I wrote and watched disappear. Once again, I'm blaming it on my foggy widow brain. It SUCKS!!!

Sending zillions more hugs, and lots of love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Rose,

I feel like Bob is always with me too. I talk to him all the time, as though he is right beside me. I tell him about my day, share my innermost thoughts with him, imagining what he would tell me. Yesterday night, I'm positive I shut all the plantation shutters in the living room. I went into the bedroom to get something, came back out, and one of the shutters was open. I like to think this was a sign from Bob, letting me know he's with me.

I love!!! how Lou said," Linda's spirit is living inside me," and how you said, "I feel we have been 'fused' together." I feel this way too. Bob is with me and always will be with me 24/7...

I feel his presence all the time in this house. When he first died, I couldn't stand being alone in this house. A big part of the reason was because the last 24 hours of his life were some of the very worst moments in his life, my life too... The horrific images are deeply imbedded in my mind. Even after 15 months, I still have to keep the doors to the guest bedroom and bathroom closed. Too many painful memories from those last 24 hours Bob was on this earth.... Even "talking" about them now has me in tears... I need a tissue.

But, and this is another one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, although I still have such over the top painful memories from those last 24 hours of Bob's life, I now have some wonderful memories of good times we shared in this house too. We bought this house many years ago and came here with our children on vacations. I'm finally able to remember those wonderful memories, and smile through the tears... This is a BIG!!! change for me. I'm thinking it's a major step forward. Still, having said this, I'm still so over the top lonely without Bob (physically) here with me. I've gotten used to living alone, but I don't think I'm ever going to be able to get used to the loneliness I'm feeling. I would do anything in the entire world just to be able to give Bob one last hug... I need another tissue.

Just had to kick the F*CK!!! out of Mr. Grief. I refuse to let Mr. Grief win the first battle of the evening. It SUCKS!!! I kicked the F*CK!!! out of him a second time too, just in case he decides to invade your space. It SUCKS!!!

As always, sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thank you, Deb. I was inspired by Linda
that day. Did a lot of laughing with my
friends, and helped tourists, like Linda
would have. As I said to Rose, Linda's
spirit is within me. Lou

 

Yes , Deb, It was I, who said George was
the only one among us, who suffers
through dialysis. After all, I'm the wise
Godfather. Haha! Seriously. I know a
Vietnam veteran, who had a Purple Heart,
who has to undergo dialysis, also. Like
George & me, his wife died , too. I don't

know how he does it, but he jokes and
laughs with us. Lou

 

Deb, thanks once again, " for the
umpteenth time", as Linda used to say, for
giving me credit for my ideas. While we're
at it, I want to pat myself on the back,
for getting you to say Bob's name, and to let
loose with F-bombs. Lou

 

Thank you for sharing that, Deb. Such a beautiful person you are. ~B

 

Hi Deb,

thank you for your lovely post and may I say, tear-jerking too. I understand all your sadness and my heart goes out to you. I got a shiver down my spine when you told me about the shutter. I had a ' spiritual' experience (can't believe I'm using this word, always been so skeptical), a while ago. I was in my laundry room, loading up the washing machine when I suddenly broke down having one of my what I call 'grief fits', crying out at my C, asking him: "Where are you?". I looked up and saw the light bulb flickering, I asked him again and it flickered again. Perhaps just a coincidence, I don't know.
I was taking a walk around our property yesterday, checking on the fruit trees, pears, plums and figs mainly. I kept saying to my C: "look at those, how beautiful they are, they're not ripe yet, but by the end of the month, I'll be able to bake one of those pear cakes you love". Am I going crazy? Then again, I've completely changed my cooking habits, can't prepare all those special meals and cakes I used to do, just hurts too much. Feel guilty for my son and daughter, but they understand. My daughter has a particular passion for baking cakes, but she does this less often now since losing her devoted dad, like she said to me: "who am I going to make these cakes for now? I used to do this for dad". It's true what they say about that special daughter/daddy bond. Even though my son is suffering so much too, he's just more reserved, like me, keeping it all inside.
I better stop now, I'll need my tissues too.
Big hug to you, wishing all my friends here a good day, and Gary, it's good to hear you again.
Rose.

 

Wow, Rose, you paint such a picture of
where you live, that you could write a
screenplay. Linda & I liked The Good Year,
starring Russell Crowe, taking place in
serene Provence, and Under the Tuscan
Sun, starring Diane Lane, depicting Tuscany. At one point, we fantasized
about renting there, for a year. Not sure
if you saw my post about your "fusing"
with C. , yesterday morning, 3 days after
the Fourth. As you recall, I had a joyous
day , telling everyone it was my birthday.
I bought 2 hot dogs, one for Linda, and one
for me. Linda always liked to buy a hot
dog on the Fourth of July. I said quietly,
"See-- I'm eating hot dogs for both of us...".
I told that story to others & moved them.
But, I kept my crying to myself, like you do.
Yesterday morning, I cried at a memory of
Linda's kindness toward a little girl, who was the daughter of her physical therapist
in the rehab. unit. Hope you have a good
weekend. Lou

 

Rose Thank you for saying it was good to see me here again. If not for Tom Zuba and his books Permission to Mourn and Becoming Radiant I might still be stuck in that miserable pit of dispair. Also the book Invisible Ink by Kathy Curtis has helped a lot. I’m reading Invisible Ink again. Kathy Curtis does work shops about grief recovery and some are on YouTube. Grieving families have reunited with this information. We write 5 separate letters to our beloved at our own pace and they write back to us. Following the prompts in her book made me feel absolutely certain of my beloved Cheerful Cheryl’s presence. It has also allowed me to hear Cheryl’s point of view in what happened and how Cheryl sincerely wants me to heal. The term miracle in Permission to Mourn is a shift in perception. This has been a game changer for me. Your farm sounds beautiful. I thank Cheryl for creating such a beautiful atmosphere with her flowers. When I see a female hummingbird I say hello Cheryl. Zuba writes we weren’t born to suffer We were born to become radiant. Gary