Dad Grief: Ending pregnancy due to chromosomal abnormalities (24 weeks)

First of all let me introduce myself, my name is Alejandro,I am from Mexico. Aged 30. My partner was 40 at the time she got pregnant, we never thought she would get pregnant but she did... and I started dreaming from day 1. This was a major shock, for I never wanted to have kids nor does my partner. But there she was, pregnant, and me, a dreamer, started building a new identity and future for our soon to come family. As I said, I am Mexican and there are no support groups or whatsoever within my country, so that is why I decided to take advantage of the online world in order to find some brothers/sisters in this pain, for it is too much for me to bear on my own.

Well, as of now I am experiencing severe difficulties handling my grieving process, as my partner has moved on from it and I am still with excruciating pain in my soul.


A little bit of my story:

Naria, my beloved daughter, was diagnosed with Edwards Syndrome when she was 24 weeks old. Me and my girlfriend we both were given a 90 % chance of death for Naria before birth, and a life expectancy of 2 weeks. We had to take the decision to end the pregnancy and it has been 11 months since this happened. Since the story unfolded in a foreign country to me (Slovenia, since my girlfriend is Sovenian), I had no opportunity to arrange a funeral for my daughter, nor bring her ashes with me. There is not a single day I do not miss her and my heart is broken, and my soul is tainted forever.


A few notes on why my grief has become so intense:

1. As I said before, being Mexican, my country is full of "Macho" attitudes, where men are not supposed to cry. Much less for an "imagined" Bereavement.
2. My siblings do not validate the grief as they say, "she was not even born". This breaks my heart.
3. I find lots of support (Videos, forums, etc) for women, but not that much for men. Why is this so?
4. My girlfriend is tired of me being mourning for this long. I don't want to loose her.
5. I don't want to talk to friends about it because I fear I will receive the same type. of comments, invalidating my sorrow.
6. Im also angry because some people tend to "measure" the amout of pain one must be suffering in direct proportion with things as "age" and time... well let me tell you that love has no age and follows not the rules of time.
7. As I said, I never wanted to have kids. But then my partner got pregnant and I felt this enormous love and connection with my daughter Naria. Now my partner is 41, and I know that most likely she will never be able to get pregnant again. This fills me with rage and anger towards life.

After my daughters death, I was referred to a Psychiatrist, which prescribed me with lots of different medications, none of them really worked, only numbed the pain and gave me awful side effects. So after 10 months of this, I decided to quit antidepressants and now I am feeling this unbearable pain... but I truly feel in my heart it is the right way to go, for I was numbed with prescription drugs shortly after Naria's dead, which did not give me permission to mourn. Now I am mourning and I need help. I feel I have kept so much pain hidden in my heart that it is destroying me.



I am doing weekly CBT. Writing in a journal. Eating healthy, Exercising. Dedicating myself to grief.

All I want is to find some comfort and feel a little less alienated in this excruciating painful experience.



I sincerely hope you can help me


Truly yours, Aejandro.

 

I cannot know your pain as my experience was different but I do know pain. It’s been 37 yrs for me. I loss my 2 sons in a electrical fire of my apartment and I woke up on hell with fire all around me, I heard my sons of 8 & 9 crying out to me as they burned. So yes I know your pain of loss. Loss of a child cannot be measured by weight of who suffered more or our stories of being different cause our loss of a child cannot be measured. My life has been like the book of Job in the Bible. One day I had a family- just me with my 2 boys having a good life with normal struggles to losing my identity cause I was alone with no family. I questioned God, I was so angry. It don’t matter if your male or female. I was a single mom having to be mother and father, taught not to cry, be strong. And I was but losing my sons brought me to my knees. First 5 yrs was tough, then I got cancer and again put on death row, didn’t care, but then God in his humor in- I was suppose to go under the knife found out I was pregnant from a one night stand. Now I had to battle cancer and have a kid. I had one foot in the grave with my 2 dead children and one foot in life to fight for my son. Doctors wanted me to abort but I wouldn’t. So end result being pregnant caused my cancer to be pushed aside like in remission and come back later. It came back 6 mos after my 3rd son was born. Then I had a reason to fight . After my first 2 boys I wasn’t suppose to be able to have another child, so he was a miracle child. So the healing began for my living child because he needed me,I also became a cancer survivor. When my time comes I will be with my other 2 boys. I find peace sitting with Mother Nature, grass, trees. Take a nature walk with your family sharing the good memories before your loss with each other and be with God even if your angry, he is our father and wants to dry your tears and hear your sadness. So reach out even if your angry and don’t understand, talk to him. I was so angry I told him I wanted to be the devils daughter which was how I ended up in a one night stand which God turned around and gave me a child I believe was to help me heal. So I came back to the father to help me find the right path. It will get better

 

I am so sorry for your loss. A friend of mine lost a child before birth many years ago. It was so hard for her.
If your partner has moved on, I can understand your difficulties. My husband couldn't stand to see me cry so I would go into the closet or bathroom to cry. It is hard when one needs to express their grief and the other doesn't want to do this or allow it. My suggestion would be to tshare your feelings here and to also see if there isn't a really close friend you could talk with. But if not, Jesus is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Stay in touch here. We understand your pain and understand it takes a long time to walk through this grief experience. You are not alone. We are walking with you.
Chris

 

Hello, hopeofpeace. I love your name. Thanks a lot for taking the time to read, understand and share your history. Your pain must be so dreadful, so awful. I have a lot of respect and admiration for you... what you have endured and accomplished goes beyond imaginable.

As you, I am also having lots of questions about my faith, but even in Anger, I ask god for help.

 

Hello Chris. This is such a beautiful and heart touching answer. I sincerely thank you for taking the time of reading my story as well as sharing your's.

As you have said, it is really hard when partner has moved on but one has not, it is super hard to manage and I have also cried many times, always when she is not around. I wish she chould share this grief with me, but I do not Blame her for anything. She has managed her process differently and is completely entitled to it. She has Been working more, investing her time and energy into productivity.

As for me, I have lost my hope in future, my productivity has decreased greatly and I am noticing im becoming bitter. Pray this will change someday.

Thanks again and thank you for your story

 

I know it is a very difficult time for you, but don't lose hope in the future or your productivity. It might take longer than you want, but you will become more fuctional and productive as time goes on.
I had bitterness against someone in my family for a completely different reason, but I know from that experience that it is so damaging to the one who allows it into their life. It hurts everyone around you, not just what you are bitter about. It is so destructive. The only way I found an escape was to turn to God and to ask Him to help me. He is always available even though sometimes we don't want to or hesitate to turn to Him.
I pray you will be able to let go of that part of the grief process and move forward. We move through grief from the loss of a child. We don't get over it, but it does get much better and the pain occurs much less often.
Hold onto hope. It is your lifeline.
Chris

 

Thanks a lot for your time and insight. It brings a lot of value and comfort into the table. In two weeks it will be the first year anniversary of Naria's death and I am totally scared about this date. My family refuses to refer of her as Naria, they'd rather call it "What happened" and dont acknowledge of her as my firstborn,my daughter. This brakes my heart, for the place I would run for confort is "home", but sadly my last resource has not turned out as planned. Its really sad.

 

Yes, I agree, it is disappointing that people we think we can depend on don't understand at all. I have learned the things I looked to my husband for and comfort for, were things that only God could supply. We are so limited as humans as far as being able to supply one another's needs.
I dreaded my first mother's day and thought it was really going to be terrible to go through. I was so surprised that it wasn't that bad and then I realized there were probably a lot of people praying for me because it was a suicide.
Your situation with Naria is very different from mine, but we can identify with each other because the loss of a child is just as devastating no matter the circumstances. Your family just doesn't understand that you had formed a strong bond with this child. That bond of love doesn't stop just because they are no longer physically with us. Your grief and dread of the date of Naria's death is totally understandable and normal. These anniversaries and holidays are so hard. They are a reminder of what we have lost.

 

I want to share something my son said to me one day. He was painting the interior of a house. I stopped by to see him before I went to church and I asked him if he wanted me to stop back by when I was headed home. He said that was up to me, but he said, "Even when you're not here, you're still with me." That is the way I feel about Naria-even though she is not there with you physically, she is still there with you in you heart in your love for her. It reminds me about what Jesus said about nothing can separate us from the love of God: not life and not death. Death cannot separate you from this child you love so much.
May God grant you peace,
Chris

 

Thnank you for your kind words and understanding, they do make a huge difference in my grieving process. It is true, my family does not understand this bond and willl probably never do, and I must live with this fact and face it. It seems to me that I was so caught up in trying to find validatiom from others, and this will most likely continue beeing a burden and a place of sufffering. I might as well try to validate myself, my loss and my grief, without trying to look for it no where else but ratherinside my heart, my soul and my essence. Thank you saying my daughters name, Naria.

 

This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your precious story with me, for it provides price less insight and wisdom into my chaotic mind and tainted heart. Naria is me, and I am her. We will always be one. And I pray for peace in my heart, for it is dreadful to carry this much anger with me; it almost feels like a tumour destroying me from within. Thank you for your courage, your wisdom, your words and intentions.

 

Thank you for your kind words. May God grant you the peace you so desire. Jesus is the Prince of Peace.
I care about you. I know how hard a walk this is. You are not alone.
You are right that only you and Naria really know how much love there is between you.
My son's headstone says, "Love never fails" and that also means "Love never ends" because God's basic character trait is love.
Peace to you.
Chris