Hi all. I'm new here and grateful to find somewhere to chat with others who understand. I'm finding it so hard at the moment because people ask how I am, but if I sensitively tell the truth....ok but v emotional ATM, I get completely ignored. No reply, no response. I've weighed it up, I understand people have stuff going on too, and can in fact see now with hindsight why a dear friend totally ignores me now because when her husband suddenly died, I too was in deep trouble and see now in her eyes I never did enough....tho I did as much as I could. I can see all that. But my question is ...how are we supposed to act? Are we to pretend we're fine When we're clearly not? I just don't know how to be or how to deal with this. I'm having counselling, and have reached out and some kind people have responded, but what do I do with the rest of society who I feel I'm in a parallel universe with. It's the weirdest situation ever, and only adds to the pain and separation. Be so grateful for your thoughts and experiences. Thank you.
Hello Deema, I'm sorry for your loss and the pain you are feeling. Thank you for sharing, I can relate to a lot of what your feeling. I too don't know how I'm supposed to act around people. I've been off work since it happened two weeks ago but I go back next Tuesday and I have no idea what to expect, not with myself or the people I work with. I'm really hoping people respect my privacy and don't ask a bunch of questions. I myself feel very lost and confused. If you ever want to talk, please reach out. It's nice knowing we aren't alone in this. Jen (Lost Girl)
Gosh Jen it's tough. It's an absolute minefield that you can only feel your way thru. I'm 12 weeks down the line and beginning to find my way thru thank goodness and tbh I only told a few people I thought I could trust. I just told others that she died because I didn't want the morbid curiosity. Generally people can't cope. It's too much for them. But I realised that wasn't my problem either, and once I realised their reaction had nothing to do with me I could be with them, not expecting any support or understanding, and feeling sorry for them. But you do have to have someone. The Samaritan's were fantastic, but I found it hard having to repeat the story as you don't get to speak to the same person, so I reached out and found a counsellor more to just express my feelings that anything else. I had to pay but after 4 weeks we feel I don't need it so much now. Grief can't be hurried, but it just felt as tho someone had their hand on my back, which was all I needed. So to give you hope, I am in a much better place now, and having chatted to a friend who's son was murdered, she assured me it's normal for people to behave like that. That was also v reassuring. My daughter has been off work for 3 months, but she's a social worker and has to be able to cope with other people's probs. She too is in counselling. After a week here with me by the sea, I'm so happy to see her beginning to recover . So my best advice would be....get yrself some outside support, have no expectations of friends It's not personal, they're just not strong enough to cope, and be careful of who you do tell or you could end up feeling like "that woman who".....and I didn't want that label, or to be a victim of this dreadful situation. But life does go on. And I wish you well. If I can get thru so will you. ❤️❤️❤️
I felt like saying, "How do you think I am. I just lost my son as a result of suicide." They don't know what to say, but who could expect them to. They haven't had their whole world fall apart. I might have said that I am going on but it is very difficult. If we don't let people know how hard it is, then we don't give them a chance to support us. You're right-it is so wierd. I felt so very isolated because I knew I was experiencing something that most people could not even begin to identify with. It is a very lonely feeling indeed. I am glad you are receiving counseling and have found some kind people who are supportive of you. Chris
Thanks Chris. Thankfully coming to visit me by the sea for a while, at just the right time, helped both my girls move on. There was a huge hurdle involved in that but too long to explain here. So I admire them both for having the courage to do that. This week has been tough as the inquest was suddenly sprung upon us. It was due next year, but the courts have been ordered to clear the backlog. It was tough, making it so raw and fresh again, but thankfully it's a relief that it's over now. We really need to admire ourselves and our families for getting thru such tough times. It's like the rollercoaster that just keeps rolling, but thankfully there are a lot of good days for me now and I'm very grateful for that. I hope your healing is progressing too. Best wishes.
I am glad to hear that there are a lot of good days for you now. Continue focusing on the positive things. Best wishes to you also
Hi Deema. So sry for your loss. I suffered the loss of my boyfriend to suicide after he held me hostage. I get what you say about the outside world and how like others don't know how to act around you so instead they just shut off or turn away. It doesn't help us, it makes our pain worse cuz we feel all alone. I hv Noone, just my son. All my friends hv done just this to me and it's so lonely. I hate going out in public cuz I feel out of place. Idk. If you ever need to talk, I'd be happy to talk anytime. Sending prayers
Hi, Butterfly girl, So sorry for your loss. I can completely identify with the feelings you have described. It is a very hard time to go through, especially because people can't understand so there is little to no support. We care about you. Share your feelings here as you feel led. We all know what you are feeling for we have experienced the same thing ourselves. You can find understanding and support here. Sending love and strength that only comes from above. Stay in touch. Chris
