I lost my father April 2021. I lost my dad suddenly. And on top of a sudden death, he and I had a complicated relationship. He was abusive to my grandma and mother. And we weren't talking much this past year due to boundaries I had set to protect myself. I feel such an immense sense of guilt and loss. Loss of what won't be of our relationship, loss of what could have been. And I feel so much guilt. I know that in the moment I was doing what I needed to protect myself from him this past year, but it's hard realizing this past year we had such little contact during his last year of life which leads me with immense guilt. I have such a duality of emotions that exist about my dad. There is an inner child in me that misses him deeply. And then the adult in me is still coping with all the trauma that he caused throughout my life which leads me to be so angry at him. I'm not sure how to cope with these conflicting emotions. And on top of it I feel like so alone. No one in my life understands, and their words just don't seem to help with the pain.