Chase 24

My beautiful youngest son passed away in his sleep July 31st 2022 exactly a week after his 24th birthday, July 24th. Theirs so much I learned and don't know what to do/ rather how to do.... I need help badly as I learned 8 months after my baby boys passing, the toxicology report mentioning oxycodone being in his system, which he never had a prescription for that medication. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia right before he turned 17 years old, and we went through an assortment of medications to find the "ones that work" for Chase. I learned that my son has gotten oxycodone from my mother on 2 different occasions that I was not aware of at the time. Only when I mentioned to my "mother" ( I don't even like having to refer to her as my mother) about the toxicology report, as she was the only person I knew that had a prescription for oxycodone, I was crying and very upset confused lost .. she admitted to me that she had nothing to do with his passing that only 2 times she had given him oxycodone for $10.00 both times. She never mentioned anything to me about this until I confronted her about my son's toxicology findings. Please help me as I willingly have absolutely nothing to do with her for the remainder of my life for her participation in my son's passing .
I haven't gotten over the loss of my son, the guilt, the anger, and all the emotions one might go through. Please help me to understand how to grieve, to learn what to do.
Thank you so much,
Lia

 

I am so very sorry for your loss. It is a very deep loss to lose a child. I believe nothing else is much harder to bear than losing a child. Our son committed suicide at age 28. I was telling a coworker some of my story and he said, "You know what this is all about don't you?" I said I did not. He said it was about forgiveness. We have to learn how to forgive ourselves and others. For me it was my husband that I had such a time forgiving because I thought he had the chance to help our son and all he did was make things worse.
If you son was schizophrenic, then he was dealing with life through a completely different lens than we are. Our son had ADHD, a severe sleeping disorder, bipolar, and autism he was dealing with. That is a lot for a person to try to make sense of in this world. This world is difficult to traverse even for a person with a "normal" mind.
Our son's neurologist forsook us when we needed her most even though she had told us when we first went to see her that he didn't need to see a psychiatrist because she could do anything a psychiatrist could do. Then the terrible night we desperately needed help from her, she said there was nothing she could do-that we needed to call social services for help. I was concerned about calling her that night because she had a new baby. I found out later that she was not at home when we talked to her, but was at the hospital working that night. She could have give Shawn something to help him, but instead she told my husband that he sure was manipulative. She forsook our son in his greatest hour of need.
The couselor we went to see said he always referred people with bipolar to a psychiatrist, but he didn't do that for Shawn because "he didn't want to make waves" with the neurologist.
I am telling you this because I want you to know that we had grievious things that had to be forgiven for us to find any peace. We could not do it on our own. It was only by seeking God's help and depending on Him that we were able to forgive and "continue on". I did not think I could go on even one day, but by waiting for God to help me I was able. He carried and protected me when I wanted to end my life. I couldn't make sense of why I was still here when Shawn was gone. However, I knew enough about Jesus that I knew he loved Shawn even more than I did, He loved me, and I knew he would help me. It was a very difficult terrible struggle, but He brought me through it.
Our life will never be the same because how could it be? You and I lost someone who was most precious to us. it leaves a gaping hole in the heart that only God can mend. I don't know how many times I asked myself, Who can heal a broken heart? This is something only the Prince of Peace can help with. It is impossible for anyone else to achieve.
Please continue to post your feelings here as you feel led.
We care about you.
Sending you love and hugs and the deepest sympathy for your loss,
Chris

 

Thank you for reading my post and sharing your son's story for me to read. I don't like using the word "story" because I don't consider them to be stories .. I just don't know the right word (s) to use for such a life changing sadness, loss of our children. I find it very hard to find words that have an understanding explanation of what is felt, before during and after.
Thank you for describing your son's conditions/struggles that he had within him. My son had depression, anxiety became self isolated, was scared to sleep due to sleep paralysis, seeing the "shadow man". My heart went out to him and when he was diagnosed with thc induced schizophrenia with general anxiety disorder when he was released from a 51/50 hold for several days, the medication was from what I was informed was a very important daily need for his mental health also therapy.. as you explained about your beautiful son, they don't see the world through the eyes of a " normal" person. Your son's struggles with life are similar to my son's . I promised my son I would never turny back on him, that we were in this together and I meant every word I said to him.
I have so much that i want to say/write and am lost as to where to start. I appreciate you for responding and I do understand the love of God, Jesus and forgiveness . I'm slowly accepting that. I'm just stuck on what do I do regarding what was done by a person that gave birth to me. I do feel strongly about needing to forgive as In God's word and eyes is what he wants for us all to do, as I want to be forgiven for my sins when my time here is up. I just don't know why she deserves to be forgiven for such a horrible things she participated in regarding my son's passing. I believe you when you said in order for us to start healing we need to forgive. I try to but can't find the reason(s) for her to deserve that forgiveness.
I know I need help with this critical grieving that I know in my heart is much needed and I thank you for reaching out to me and the love sent. Thank you. I hope that the ones that do read my posts don't get upset with the so many things I want and feel the need to " talk" about. It might be my start for the healing process for me, I don't know yet.
Prayers sent and love.
Lia