Can you move on after losing your soulmate?

Karen and Helen, it's such a relief being able to relate to you about the way we are continuing our bonds with our soulmates by carrying our marriages with us as we struggle along this lonely path. Like you say Helen, our arms seem to be overloaded so there is no space for actually "living" , but this is a sign that we have loved and been loved, and still love our soulmates. What can we do? We didn't ask for this cruel destiny? Lately, I've been feeling like a tortoise (yes, an odd analogy), forever curled up in my shell, approaching the world very slowly, one little step at a time, and every now and then popping my head out to try and get on with at least all the daily routines. I still wear my wedding ring, I always will, and my C's ring (which is too big for my fingers) is on a gold chain I wear around my neck. I spoke to my family doctor the other day about my sleepless nights and she was very empathetic and sweet, understanding what I'm going through. She suggested sleeping in a different bed, moving the furniture around, putting away personal belongings in closets so I wouldn't have to look at them every day, "triggering" my grief breakdowns, but I've left everything exactly the same as it was, it would feel like "putting him away". I don't want to do that. Like you say Karen, about moving forward : "maybe I don't want to".
Rose

 

Don Lou, I was delighted to hear that you've returned to your dancing, I can just imagine your Linda smiling at you, grateful that you manage to kick out Mr Grief every now and then. I love the way you use her cane, to keep her with you everywhere you go, and the way you use her funny expressions to make your friends laugh.
Good for you! Keep it up!
La Rose

 

Deb, I love hearing about what your wonderful Skye gets up to and you've reached a very important target, now that she's finally found a personal bathroom. When I read about the gators surrounding you, I thought "wow!", sounds terrifying, but I'm sure you're used to this and know how to keep away from them. We have to deal with wild boar, they come out at sunset, stay around all night, digging up our fields, making swamps all over the place, we have to keep all our gates closed. My kids usually see them crossing the roads when they return home at night. Mother boar with all her little boars trailing behind her. Especially during Summer evenings, we can hear them 'oinking' outside our fences, but luckily, they run away as soon as they hear the slightest noise.
Peace and hugs to you too Deb, and also to Skye. Rose.

 

Rose, just woke up briefly and had to
check in with my friends on GIC. I was
delighted and moved to see that DEB,
Ms. Hum. ( Karen), and you , had so
warmly responded to Helen's phrases of
"carrying" one's marriages. I respect that
you choose to keep wearing C.'s
wedding ring, and want to keep his
things the way they are, But, I hope your
family doctor can help you with your
sleepless nights. As I've told you, with my
manic depression, sleep is the number
one requisite for not descending into
despair and the need of hospitalization
in a psychiatric unit like I did after Linda
died, and again , 2 years later, when
drinking, staying out late, losing sleep,
caused me to voluntarily return to the
same facility. Now, I know I can occasionally stay out late , on a Friday
night, dancing, but without drinking. I
never thought I could do that. Thank you
for your kind comments about Linda's
cane. If I were ever to lose it, I would get
another one which looked exactly like it. L

 

Hi Helen (my mother's name): I'm very sorry for your loss. Like you, I lost my soulmate and the world turned upside down. To be honest, it sounds to me like you have your head on straight and are moving forward at your own pace. And that's a good thing. I wish you nothing but peace.

 

Thanks Rose. It's personal. Some people crawl, limp, walk, run or jump into their new identity. I feel like that too, "putting him away". Some people have suggested rearranging or redecorating the house. May work for some and not for others. It's so personal and there is no right way or wrong way to survive this. That statement still remains in my mind, carrying our marriages with us.

 

Rose, I still wear my wedding ring too also his wedding ring on my other hand that I had sized down to fit me. I still feel married and I'm still so in love with him that I just can't move on now. So be it. I have to accept things I cannot change. Can't force moving on. It will reveal itself when I'm ready.

 

Rose,
As others have said, I really think the decisions to put things away, including wedding rings, is really personal and you shouldn't do it until it feels right to do so. As I said in my previous post, I am considering leaving Bruce's wedding ring at home (it's the only one I've worn since his passing) when going out socially. I did it on Tuesday when I met some friends for dinner but when I went out today to teach my English class, it felt too weird to not have it on, so I wore it. Maybe that's the way it's gonna be, some days on, some days off. I still have our framed wedding picture in a place of honor in my living room as well as other photos around the house, including one of him on my bedside. For me personally, I think taking all of those photos and putting them away would feel like losing Bruce all over again. But I did read an article online that suggested creating a single specific space and putting just one or two photos or mementos there. Kind of like a shrine that is seen in many traditional homes in a variety of cultures. It's an interesting idea...
Sending you blessings!
Helen

 

Helen, I love the shrine idea, and I have
one for Linda on top of my bureau. As
Karen ( Ms. Hum) & others have stated,
it's an individual choice. I choose NOT to
have Linda's picture there, bc I would be
weeping every morning, looking at it.
Linda had surprised me one day, by
requesting she be cremated. It shocked me
bc no one in her family, or mine, had been.
When the time came, I granted Linda's
wishes, and picked out a simple block,
with just her name ( no birth and death
dates, bc my love for Linda is timeless).
The block has a lighthouse on it, bc we
visited many in New England. I prefer not
to say her ashes are inside, but rather,
that it is Linda's memorial. Next to it,
I placed a small jade elephant, which we
had purchased together. It faces her
memorial, as if to say "an elephant never
forgets". The elephant makes me smile.
One of the widow friends here sent me
a mug with ducks on it, bc she knew
Linda & I loved to watch a pair of male &
female ducks glide serenely on the water.
I placed the mug in an honored place
near the memorial,also. I add other
meaningful objects that Linda would've
liked. Gary , from Indiana, sent me a
hand carved Native American cane,
bc he knew I needed a cane for walking.
Since I use Linda's, I told him that I
placed his special cane near the shrine.
Linda and I were on the same page about
people. She would've loved all my
brothers and sisters on this site, as I do.
Lou

 

I also have a shrine, but it's not only for Jack. My son, our precious cat, Rambo and Jack together on my bookshelf in my office. I look at them often. Jack with his favorite hat and a shot glass for his whiskey. Oh, and a velvet box with a clip of his hair in it. My son and Rambo I've had their hair clipped also. Just something tangible that is not ashes.

 

Ms.Hum, I remember you talking about
Jack's whiskey shot glass. I know Linda
and I would've loved getting together
with you and Jack, as we would've with
other couples here, like DEB and Bob,
Robin and Ron, Bernadine and Kenn,
and other fun couples here. We all
shared a love of good food & drink and
music. I see Jack as a proud veteran
and Western hero, and I would've
admired him . Lou from Lobsterville

 

I love this idea of a shrine, but that is another thing I haven't been able to do, we really do react in different ways, even though we are feeling the same pain. I've had new photos printed, placing one in each of our bedrooms, and one in our music room, where I can look at him, while I play the piano and sing to him. I think of our whole property as a shrine, in a way, his 'special' personal belongings are everywhere, even this armchair I'm sitting in at the moment. Lou, my C had also, in recent years, expressed his desire to be cremated when his time came. I told him to "change the subject please", not to talk about these things. He had also said that if it was possible, to scatter his ashes in the fields (about half a mile away from our house) where we have an olive plantation, so this meant he wouldn't have wanted to be taken home (knowing him, I understand why), it would have been too painful, especially for our children. I was in complete shock and unable to focus when he suddenly, unexpectedly left us, that I didn't even understand what the funeral director was asking me. I was a zombie, not 'with it' at all. Luckily my FIL was an enormous help in sorting out all the arrangements, and over here, unfortunately, it all happens very quickly, for natural causes, burial the following day (unless there are reasons for suspicious circumstances). So in the end, following my FIL's suggestion, and my C's desire, we had him cremated and laid to rest with his grandparents in the family niche at the local cemetery. I still have in mind, that maybe one day, I will decide to ask for permission to take his urn and scatter some of his ashes where he had wished,then place it back with his grandparents whom he had adored. Wow, I've never spoken to anyone about this, I'm so glad I have my wonderful warriors I can vent with, saving my sanity.
Karen, my heart goes out to you that you have also had to go through the heartache of losing your son. A big special virtual hug to you.
Rose.

 

Rose, as I just said to Robin, who I now
call "Summer" bc we are both sick of the
winter cold,( and long for our favorite
season of summer by the sea), I said I would
respond to you bc you usually post at
this time. ( Sorry for run on sentence). I
walk past a sometimes angry ocean and
feel the chill from the wind across the
water. I've been fascinated by your
accounts of wild boars and DEB'S scary
alligators in South Carolina. It seems we
all battle some fears outside of our
continual grief journey. Thank you for your
honest and heartwrenching story
of having to deal
with C.'s ashes , in response to
my story of Linda's request to be cremated,
and my subsequent shrine. Now, I can
go back to sleep, after a snack, and hope
you can sleep, too, Rose. Lou

 

Rose,
Do you visit the cemetery where his ashes are located? Do you feel C's presence there? It's interesting, both of my parents were cremated and their ashes were interred at their church. But I have never visited them there, even though the church was only about 15 minutes from my home in St. Louis. I felt their presence in other places. When Bruce died, I knew what he wanted although I can't remember whether we had talked about it previously. I just knew. He was cremated and then we took his ashes down to Florida, where we own a condo. This was to be our retirement home and we both loved to sit out on our balcony and watch the water. There is a nearby bar that sits on the water and from which you can see our condo. He told me that, once we retire, he was going to come to this bar every day to watch the sunset. So, after he died, we took his ashes and scattered them in the water in front of the condo, close to that bar. I know that he enjoys the bands playing and watching the sunset every night. And when I visit my condo, I can sit on my balcony and we are watching the same view. Sometimes I will say to him "Did you see that dolphin?" or whatever creature might be passing my. And I and my kids can go down to the place where the rocks meet the water and spend time with him. We call it Bruce's spot. I am grateful to have this.

I understand what you say when you say your whole property is a shrine. It sounds to me like that gives you great comfort. For me, our marital home was the same except that, as time went on, it began to feel more like a tomb. This is one of the reasons why I sold the house, I felt entombed by it. But if your house and all its memories is giving you comfort, then more power to you!
Helen

 

Lou,
Your shrine sounds awesome! It reminds me of the Day of the Dead altars that Mexican people construct to honor their loved ones. It definitely is giving me food for thought.
Helen

 

Incredible topic Helen. It certainly jarred a bunch of thoughts, feelings, and emotions in me. Dear Cheryl, have I grieved enough to prove how much I love you? Did I have the proper memorial for you? Did I return your dust to the Great Earth Mother appropriately? Did I Choose the right words and read the right myths? I chose the location on the edge of a hill overlooking a lake in a woods of a wildlife area where we walked many times with your sister and brother-in-law. I hoped they would meet me there to celebrate your life and we have spoken in years. Did I distribute your property the way you wanted? I did get your most precious possessions to your Goddaughter. Am I deliberately or subconsciously being a martyr? It’s so hard to navigate. Am I going to live in isolation the rest of my life? If I keep grieving how long will it be till I have major health problems? When will I wake up and realize this is killing me? Am I forgetting that you loved me more than anyone ever? We always wanted the absolute best for each other. Tom Zuba’s writes, we weren’t put on this earth to suffer but We were put here to become radiant. At least once a week I remember special times and photos right before I do a guided meditation and meet up with my beloved Cheerful Cheryl. If I ever get into another relationship it will be with someone who still loves the nonphysical presence of their spouse. Gary

 

Your innermost feelings have hit my heart. Powerful questions. You and Cheryl had a strong love for each other, that's all that counts.

 

Gary, what an emotional post. It seems you're tormenting yourself about whether you've been grieving properly, if you have behaved correctly, if you have done everything the way your Cheryl would have wanted. You're not alone Gary, I think we've all had our doubts at some time or other, wondering if we're doing the right thing,if there's something we've done wrong. Losing our soulmates so unexpectedly, prematurely, is like suddenly being tossed into another world, or even another planet, being left there all alone in a state of confusion and shock, not knowing where to turn next. Even if we make mistakes, they are understandable, we hadn't planned all this!

I'm glad to hear that your meditation sessions are helping you along and giving you comfort.
Rose.

 

Helen, I absolutely agree with you. I do visit the cemetery often, but I realise he isn't there at all, and I tell him that. On the other hand, I feel his presence more in our home and outside on our land. I always talk to him when I take my nature therapy walks.
You have chosen a beautiful way to honor your Bruce, he is proud of you and will always love you.
Rose.

 

Helen, what a beautiful story. I can see that you have a love of the sea, which Robin
( who I nicknamed "Summer" ), Rose,
DEB, myself & others share. I sometimes
sit on the same bench on which Linda & I
sat, gazing at the horizon. As I've said here
before, I hold Linda's cane, which is a
powerful symbol of her presence, and
makes me smile, even if it's "bittersweet"
to use DEB's word, or "happy mixed
with sad", to quote Summer. You said you
lived in central Mexico. Is there a body of
water near you? If I can't have the ocean,
I like to have a river, lake, or pond
nearby. Lou