Be Strong! Be Kind

Lou,

I'm so glad before that copy of Reader's Digest became history, it served a useful purpose. It's good you got some extra sleep this morning. The weather SUCKS!!! (I don't know why I'm using this word so much lately.) It's been raining on and off, occasional quick torrential downpours, super humid, with higher than normal dew points for this time of year. Mother Nature must be angry about something... I slept without any major plumbing issues until 1 a.m. I woke up feeling like I was in some kind of a twisted dream, with bright flashing lights, those zig zagging lines floating across my field of vision... I grabbed the nearest bottle of ibuprofen, in my night stand draw, and started chewing them before I got up to get some water. Washed them down with the water and a handful of crackers. I fell right back asleep and didn't up until almost 6 a.m. I made myself get up at 7 a.m., but if I didn't have a dermatology appointment this morning, I think I could have slept way past breakfast. Sorry... I got carried away a bit. I'm sure Bob would have reminded you that I'm hardly ever at a loss for words, even when I've had laryngitis... Lucky for you, for anyone brave enough to read this, I'm stopping here.

Backing up a bit, I haven't seen a copy of Reader's Digest in years. Years ago, I remember copies of them in just about every doctor's office I was in. This reminds me of one of those bittersweet memories. In the beginning of 2018, when Bob and I made frequent trips (anywhere from an 1.5-2 hour drive, depending on traffic) to a large teaching hospital where he received all of his medical care, we found ourselves waiting for hours on end (no exaggeration here!!) after his scheduled appointment time to be seen. The waiting area was old, very uncomfortable chairs, several small TVs on the wall, that were on way too loud, that used to drive us batty, and if lucky, we might find a couple of old magazines to help pass the time. One day, Bob was amazed when he found not only one, but three magazines on the small table next to him. He picked up the first one, looked at the cover, and immediately said, "Deb, check this out!!" He showed me the cover and we both burst into laughter. It was a copy of an old Car and Driver Magazine from 1998... Bob started making jokes about this, and had me laughing so hard, tears were running down my face... People were looking at us, probably wondering what kind of excellent meds Bob's oncologist had put him on. I took a picture of it with my phone, and sent it to some of our friends, and to our children. It might still be somewhere in my phone, but I'm too emotionally fragile to find out. Backing up just a bit, it was in really good shape which was also surprising. I've laughed and cried, almost at the same time, while telling you about this. This was one of those memories I thought I had forgotten about, until you mentioned the free copy of the Reader's Digest you found in your post office box.

Laughing as I read that Linda used "get off my soapbox," too. I wish I could have met her, I think we could have become good friends... It's funny how she used, I still use, so many of the same expressions. I've never been to Europe, would love to do some traveling, but at this moment, I can't imagine doing this without Bob. It's wonderful that Linda got to spend some time in Europe. What country/countries did she visit?

Hope you enjoyed your walk to the Neck and the beautiful views of the ocean... Hope you had a productive shopping trip, no food triggers, no tears...

I think I might have just written you another one of my "books."

I've learned my lesson, going to make another cup of tea now, and only allow myself one cup tonight.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Robin,

Even though I'm not as far along in this grief journey as you are, I don't think time heals either. From where I'm at now, almost six months into this miserable journey, I find that although I HATE!!! living alone, I'm slowly getting used to it. But, and this is a really BIG but!!!, it sucks!!!, the best way I can think of to describe it.

I know Ron would be proud of all the things you've accomplished, learned how to do without him physically by your side. I'm very proud of you too, for learning how to use tools, to step so far out of your comfort zone... I love the way you explain it, that you feel like Ron is guiding you, walking you through projects... I know Ron would be very proud of you.

When Bob died, I was so emotionally and physically wrung out, but there were so many things that needed to be taken care of right away. I found myself talking to Bob, as though he was still with me, asking him what he thinks my best options were, and if he thought I was making good choices. Long story short, I made some very difficult financial decisions alone, for the first time in 35 years. I never thought I would be able to do this. It made me feel a bit better, knowing that I'm more capable of making tough decisions alone, then I ever thought I would be.

I also fixed the ice maker in my refrigerator. It took me way too long, but with the help of some YouTube videos, I did it. I know this only a small thing, but for me this was HUGE. Prior to fixing the ice maker, I replaced a toilet seat. To my surprise, it was easy. I'm still not good when it comes to cars, pumping gas is about it for me, but I need new wiper blades. I remember Bob saying how easy they are to change. I think I'm brave enough to give it a try. I think Bob would be proud of me too.

Robin, like you and Lou, the ocean is my very favorite place on earth. I can't imagine not living near water. Sadly, I've only been able to go to the ocean once since Bob passed away. I drove to a park that overlooks the water, and has a concrete walkway. It was a big step forward for me, but it was one of those bittersweet moments. It was so hard for me to be there, that I haven't been able to be anywhere near the ocean since. When Bob was still able to walk using his rollator, I used to bring him to this park. He loved the ocean as much as I do, and it made him happy to get to be outside by the water, watching the boats... the birds.... feeling the ocean breezes and the sunshine... I would help him into one of the big wooden swings, overlooking the water, and we would sit close together, talking and just enjoying being away from the hospital, the way too many doctors' appointments, etc., etc., etc.... I remember the last time I was able to take him there. He struggled to get from the car to the beginning of the concrete walkway. It made me so sad.... I fought back the tears. I didn't want him to see how sad I was because he was trying so hard and we wanted to have a good day. I can't talk about this anymore. I need more tissues...

Waiting is so hard. Praying you get good news from the vet soon....

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

P.S. Lou, Bob and I went to Key West twice, once by ourselves, and once with our friends who we vacation with. We had so much fun, total understatement!!! Bob's dream was to be able to afford to buy a house in Key West. One day, when we first moved here, he was surfing the net and found the house of his dreams. It was absolutely beautiful, and of course, in Key West. You're right, it was a wild time, another total understatement!!!

 

Robin, so glad you live on Long Island
& can go to the beach! ( I was afraid to
ask. People assume everyone lives in
NYC,but I meet a lot of tourists from
Upstate New York small towns. Glad you
had fond memories of Myrtle Beach and
Ocean City. That's impressive that you had
a boat. Sounded peaceful & fun, but I
hear it can be a lot of work! The summer
is so short here that some boaters think
of moving to the Carolinas or Florida.
Really hope you get that call soon. I'm
not good at waiting, so it must be torture
for you. We're here anytime. Lou

 

Glad you went to Key West, Deb! We
went into the Hemingway house and
saw his typewriter, and the many
cats ( descendents). We also saw the
bar he frequented, not the large one
for locals & tourists, Sloppy Joe's. We couldn't believe it was open 'til 4am!
The colors of the houses were unique.
I can see why Bob wanted to live there.
I had the same feeling about Bermuda,
where I proposed to Linda. But, I did
hear some residents had "island fever".
I laughed out loud ( sorry,Deb!) at your
laryngitis comment! Linda went to Italy,
Spain, Germany, Austria, Switzerland
( was in awe of the Alps). I never went
to Europe, but, I did go with a group Israel.
I was amazed at the ancient beauty of
Jerusalem.I sat by myself, away from the
group, on a wall under a tree. Just like I
do now by the ocean, I felt the presence
of God. Years later, Linda & I would be
"armchair travelers" and excitedly point
to the TV, and say, "I was there"! I'm glad
Linda & I traveled THEN. Sadly, with both
COVID and worldwide terrorism, the
world has become a much scarier place.
As much as I ache to see Linda again, I'm
relieved that she wasn't in that rehab/
nursing home during COVID & that I
wouldn't have been able to visit her. So
sorry about your awful weather. I met a
friendly couple from an island off North
Carolina. They love where they live, but
also loved where I live! Lou

 

Lou,

No need to apologize for laughing at my laryngitis comment!!! If Bob was here, I'm sure he would have had you laughing twice as hard. I love that Linda got to visit so many countries. How long was she in Europe? Jerusalem is such a special place..., so much meaning for so many of us. I love how you sat under a tree by yourself, away from the group, and felt the presence of God... It must have been an amazing experience...

I agree with you, never in my wildest dreams did I ever think we would experience anything as horrible as COVID. I feel like we're living in some sort of twisted sci-fi horror movie. And as far as worldwide terrorism, to repeat an expression from earlier today, I'm going to get off my soapbox before I even get started!!! Backing up a bit, I'm glad that Linda didn't have to be in rehab/nursing home during COVID too. There were many times during COVID when I wasn't allowed to go inside the hospital with Bob when I brought him for his way too many medical appointments. I had to wait in the car. In the nicer weather, I could sit outside in front of the cancer center. The only time I was allowed inside was to use the rest room on the ground floor. During two of his hospitalizations, even though two of my children flew to SC to be with us, only myself and one of our children, (it had to be the same child each time), were allowed inside to visit Bob. The visiting hours were cut short too. My oldest son lives outside of the US and wasn't allowed to visit at all. My daughter lives farther away from me than my youngest son, so the first time she visited Bob with me. We brought our phones, and Bob could talk to our son and see him at the same time. It was very difficult and very sad that all of us couldn't be together.

During Bob's first 12 day stay in rehab, both my youngest daughter and son came to stay with me. No visitors were allowed inside the rehab facility. The rehab they sent him to the first time was two hours away from my house. My children and I drove to the rehab facility just about every day in order to stand outside the big windows that were in the gym, so we could visit Bob. One of the nurses would bring him over to the big windows in the gym and we put him on speaker phone so we could not only see him, but talk to him too. Every day they would change his schedule and we didn't know until the night before what time he was going to be allowed to visit with us. It was so hard because there were several days when we would have had to be there by 8:30 in the morning. On those days, we just couldn't do it. We would have had to leave my house by 6:30 a.m., but most likely much earlier because of traffic. We visited every day we could. It was at least a four hour car ride, round trip. We were exhausted, but didn't want him to be there all alone.

During his final stay in rehab, right before he passed away, I was the only one allowed to visit, and I could only spend two hours with him every day. It was horrible. I would cry as soon as I left his room, as I was walking down the hallway, toward the exit. My children felt so badly that they weren't here, but they both needed to work, and we had no idea that visiting their father outside the glass windows at the rehab in January, 2021, would be the last time they would ever see him again... Stopping here, I can't stop crying...

I hope you had a good day, and are having a much better night than last night.

Going to make something for dinner.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, I got choked up when you told me
about your top brief visits with Bob. It was
as if he were in federal prison, and you
could see him but just talk on the phone.
But, in Bob's case, he did not do a
crime. and certainly did not need to be
subjected to cruel & unusual punishment.
Not sure how long Linda was in Europe.
She paid for the trip, with her friends,
by waitressing all summer. She was
slim, fast, & friendly back then, & made a
lot of tips. I was 40, on my trip to Israel,
& spent 3 weeks there.I was amazed that
Israel is such a small country, about the
size of New Jersey, so we covered a lot.
Jerusalem was my favorite, but I liked
seeing the port of Haifa, the beaches of
Tel Aviv, and a kibbutz by the Sea of
Galilee.I realized when I came home &
watched the news, the reporters gave a
false impression that Israel is a large
country. Ever since, I take TV news with
a grain of salt, and just read headlines
for myself. Now, for some more funny
Linda one liners I shared with Kim:
When I was in the store, I had a short
list & wanted to get in & out fast. A man &
a woman, unrelated, stared into the case,
with vacant expressions. Linda called
this " posing for animal crackers". When
I wasn't listening to her, she said I was
"deaf as a haddock". When the nurses
tried to roll her over in her bed at the
rehab unit, she got them to laugh, though
nervously, when she exclaimed, "body by
Haagen- Daaz. Good for me, I told those
anecdotes to Kim & to you, without
crying. I told Kim I've been using Linda's
phrases, and always get a laugh. I give
her credit for some of the sayings, to
keep her spirit alive, by my side. Lou

 

Lou,
'
I love all of Linda's sayings, but "body by Haagen-Daaz" still has me laughing. I like how Linda worked hard for a summer so she could have that once in a lifetime adventure. I paid for many of my college expenses by waitressing. I spent one summer down the Cape and shared a very small cottage with five friends, six of us altogether. Those were the days when food was served on large silver trays, that had to be carried above you shoulder. The dishes and glasses were heavy, and nothing was made out of plastic. We used to like it when we got big parties who kept ordering rounds of drinks before and during dinner, then ended their meals with some sort of really sweet drink, like a Mudslide. We got the best tips from parties like this$$$ In Bob's younger days, he used to work two jobs, one during the day, then bartend at night. I sort of got off track here, so backing up a bit, it's hard to imagine that Israel is only about the size of New Jersey. It's nice that you were able to spend three weeks there and got to visit so many places.... In pictures, the Sea of Galilee looks so beautiful... What a wonderful adventure.

I would have loved to have spent an evening with Linda, I'm sure she would have found a way to make me laugh so hard that tears would be running down my face. If you don't mind, I would like to share "body by Haagen-Daaz" with the friends Bob and I used to travel with. They both would get a kick out of this, but the wife would especially appreciate it. She has a really unique laugh that always gets me going too. I can (almost) hear it now.

Almost ready to veg out on the couch for awhile. It's pouring again... I wish Bob was here to veg out with me.... I miss him so much..., especially on nights like tonight

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

So glad you liked the ice cream crack,
Deb, & I would be honored if you shared
it with your friend with the wonderful
laugh. Linda had an ability to laugh at
herself, but, at times was too hard on
herself. She used to say, wistfully, "when I
was young & cute.....". I would stop her &
tell her how beautiful her eyes & smile
were. bc that doesn't change.I try to think
of how she was when we met at a
Boston party, our trip to Bermuda, &
our small wedding in Las Vegas, and the
many places in the U.S. that we visited
when we both had money. To paraphrase
Mark Twain: I've been rich, and I've
been poor, and rich is better! I try to
remember that I was able to take Linda
out on our birthdays, Thanksgiving ( she
loved going to a certain place, where we
were served, rather than a buffet), our
anniversary, and a surprise Valentine's
Day. Well, almost time for bed. Been nice
"talking with you", Deb. Have a good
sleep. Lou

 

I agree, the unknown is scary. Using the mower for the first time is scary. I’m thankful I had used ours a few times so I had knowledge on it, Ron didn’t like me mowing but now it’s up to me. My yard is a lot to maintain but I feel good when I get the yard mowed. I’m jealous you have a trailer.
We did make some wonderful memories on the water. They still make me tear up but that’s because it’s so special. I know I’m very lucky to have my daughter. I know I can count on her. She stayed with me night and day for months after Ron passed. We supported each other and still do.
Earlier I called my vet, the results aren’t back yet. I’m shocked. She told me 24-48 hours. Today I’m told 5 days. And hopefully I’ll have the results on Friday. It’s been torture. I wish she didn’t misspeak and give me the wrong info on when to expect the results. So I’m still waiting. Trying to think positive but it’s getting harder. I wish so much that Rob was here helping me through this.
Thank you for sharing your mower story and for your concern for Teddy and me. I’m very thankful for your support. Robin

 

Deb,
First I’ll share with you that after a call to the vet I learned she misspoke and the results take 5 days not 2. This waiting game has been so difficult. But now I’m told hopefully the results will be in on Friday.
I know what you’re saying about getting used to living alone, but it sucks. It sucks getting used to any of this torture. The house being empty, making decisions alone, no one to share thoughts with, getting used to those things is such a sad feeling. I do feel Ron is proud of me and happy we did everything together so I have an understanding of the things that are so out of my comfort zone. I wouldn’t call fixing your ice maker a small thing at all. It’s huge!! I can say I’m so thankful for YouTube. Bob is proud of you too I’m sure of it.
I’m right with you the beach means so much. I can’t imagine not living by the ocean. I love that you have special memories of visiting the beach. Even your last visits being hard and remembering those emotions you felt on those last beach visits. You were both working to enjoy nature and life together. Thank you for sharing those memories.
And I also thank you for your support as I continue to wait for Teddys results. It means a lot.
Remember, one day at a time. sending hugs! Robin

 

Lou,
Yes I know when people say they’re from NY their thoughts are always NYC. It’s something we struggle with and when asked where we’re from we started answering Long Island NY not just NY. I can’t imagine living any where that I could get to the ocean. Love everything about it. Boating has its ups and downs that’s for sure. But we made many wonderful memories from fishing, crabbing to bbqing on the beach. I grew up always having a boat, my dad was a me snickers so he could make all the repairs that come with having a boat. Ron was not a mechanic but knew the basics. But owning a boat can be e pensive that’s for sure. Yes this wait game is waring me down. I called them this evening and learned she told me the wrong amount of time for the results. They expect to have the results, maybe on Friday. Trying to think positive. Thank you so much for your support. Means a lot.
Robin

 

Deb. woke up in middle of night to check on you & Robin, both lovers of the ocean,
like me. Your account of helping a struggling Bob to the see the ocean, was so sad. But, someday, in your grief journey,
you will remember that he was with you,
rather than the sad details of his being
disabled. Linda & I loved a breakfast place
at a motel, overlooking the sweeping
view of crashing waves on the rocks, of
the Back Shore of Gloucester. We would
take a cab, and one driver, about 40,
helped Linda with her walker. I helped
her inside, . carried the walker up the
stairs, while she slowly made it up,
holding on to the railing. Now, I recall a
funny incident that makes me chuckle.
She had some food around her mouth,
but I was so busy talking with the
waitress, looking out at the magnificent
view, and, of course, eating, that I neglected to tell her. Linda had to go to
the ladies' room. When she came back
to our table, said she had looked in the
mirror & saw the cheese, from the
omelet, dangling from her lip. She said,
" I can't believe you let me go to the
restroom without telling me !!!". We
both laughed, and she shook her head
about how clueless I could be! The first
summer after Linda died, I couldn't go to
the beach alone. She used to put suntan
lotion on my back & watch my wallet &
keys, and prescription sunglasses when
I went swimming. I told people that I
wouldn't go to the beach again, until I
could go with another woman, who could
do the same for me, which was absurd.
The next summer, I put my toes in the
water. This past summer, on a very hot
day, on the spur of the moment, I waded
in, waist deep, carrying all the aforementioned items in a bag. It was so
cool and refreshing. The water was so clear, that I could see my feet on the sand.
I patted myself on the back that I was able
to do that. Next time, God willing, I hope
to swim, and not bring all those items. I have a hidden spare key near my apt.
door. I won't be at the beach that long,
to be worried about getting a sunburn.
I was over thinking, and denying myself
the pleasure of being at the beach in
the summer. I DID enjoy soft serve ice
cream on the Neck, on a hot day. One time,
I even had an ice cream soda, with a
spoon & straw, & sat in the shade, looking
at the famous red fishing shack, Motif #1,
and the lobster boats in the small harbor.
Lou

 

Robin, just woke up in the middle of night
& checked on you & Deb. I agree with you
when you said to Deb that despite Bob's
extreme difficulty getting to the beach, they were able to enjoy being there
together. I told her that, too, and recounted a funny incident, involving
us at a restaurant over looking the sea.
We will pray for you and Teddy on Friday.
Lou

 

Thank you Lou,
I’ll admit this waiting is becoming too much. If I knew all along it takes 5 days I think I’d be in a better place about it. She misspoke, I won’t hold that against her but it’s built my anxiety level for sure.
I’m sharing a picture from last weekend. My daughter has been working 12 hours days sometimes longer. And I was stressing over Ted. She was too. So we decided to take a drive, walk by the water and got ice cream and sat on a bench. We needed a breather. This ferry pulled in while enjoying the beautiful day. Thought you might enjoy it.
Thank you for checking on me. I’ll look for that story.
Robin

 

Lou,

To repeat what you said, it's always nice "talking" to you too. I haven't been away that long, but it looks like I have so much catching up to do! Starting here...

I think I'm going to call from friends this afternoon, the ones I always talk about, who Bob and I shared some of the best times in our lives with. I'll be sharing that ice cream crack with them. I can almost hear my friend's contagious laugh as I'm "talking" to you... Thanks again for sharing it with me.

Although money can't buy happiness, thinking of that old Beatle's song, "Can't Buy Me Love," it provides the freedom to be able to enjoy life the way you want to enjoy it. It buys those unforgettable moments sitting outside by the water, enjoying a good meal, the gorgeous views, sharing everything with your "person..." It buys freedom to travel and explore other parts of the country, the world... sharing the beauty, the joy, that comes from discovering new places with "your person..." I could go on and on and on and on.... (thinking of that Energizer Bunny again)....

I'm so happy that you and Linda were able to experience so many wonderful things in life together. I feel so fortunate that Bob and I were able to explore new places, enjoy so many quiet, romantic dinners by the ocean, take day trips to nowhere together, etc., etc,, etc...., too. These are those moments, that I wish I could bottle up and save, take out and relive over and over again... Now they're just memories, but very special memories, that will always be cherished. I'm doing my best to put a positive spin on things this morning, and I know that last line I wrote is true, but, and this is another one of those BIG buts!!!, it SUCKS!!!, BIG TIME!!! I wish Bob, and Linda, and everyone else's spouses, were here with us, to enjoy many more beautiful moments in time together...

I better stop here, I have so much more catching up to do!

I briefly skimmed a few posts before responding to this one. No, I'm not jealous!!!, well, maybe just a bit..., I wish I could take that walk to the Neck with you today, share all that sunshine and those absolutely gorgeous views... Enjoy that walk!!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thank you for that beautiful, serene
picture, Robin! So happy you could
share an ice cream moment with your
daughter, on a sunny day by the ocean.
I plan to do the same today. There were
many messages from new members
today, so I need to have breakfast and a
lot of coffee, before responding. Deb
beat me to it last night after I went to bed.
There are 2 new widowers, Rick ( Rick B)
and Gary (Gary 166). There is also
Susan McB who refers to herself now as
"Quilted Lady", and young RidhimaVibhor,
whose fiance died in a tragic car accident.
I better go now, and have coffee. I hope
you have another good day today. Lou

 

Robin,

I'm so sorry the vet gave you wrong information. I'm so sorry this has made the waiting worse than it had to be. Scrap that last sentence. I know the waiting would have still been just as miserable, but you would have been able to accomplish things that you wanted to get done, like mowing the lawn, without feeling the need to remain by the phone. I understand how waiting for a vet to call, can disrupt and turn your whole world upside down, until you finally get that call. All of us are here, with you in spirit, waiting (HOPEFULLY!!!) for tomorrow, for Teddy's vet to call you. I've been keeping Teddy in my prayers... I know, some people, those who don't understand how dogs are just as much a part of our families as people are, how we love them with all our hearts, would probably think I'm absolutely crazy for saying this. Being in the house and worrying always makes things worse for me. Try to keep busy today. Get out of the house if you can, just my thoughts, but getting out of the house when I'm stressing over something I have no control over, usually takes a bit of the edge off.

You just made me smile. As much as I sometimes hate modern technology, how impersonal our world has become, I'm also so thankful for YouTube too!!! I'm thinking I might need to check it out again after I purchase those new wiper blades. Hope I won't need it for anything other than this for awhile...

Thank you for making me see that last visit to the ocean with Bob in a different light. We tried so hard to have the best life possible, but when COVID hit, it made things so much more difficult, not just for us, but for zillions of people all over the world... I'm glad that Bob and I were still able to go outside safely, so I could bring him to this special park by the water... as you so beautifully said, "to enjoy nature and life together."

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

P.S. , Deb, Hope you saw my reply just now. I feel "punch drunk" with all the emails
this am, & I think I just cut off your
usual sign off: " As always, sending you
hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace.
DEB. To which I simply say, Amen. Lou