Be Strong! Be Kind

Deb, to quote a phrase that Linda
hated, " I hear ya". She found that to
be dismissive, and that the person on
the receiving end, wasn't really listening
or caring. But, I am. I know too well the
exhausting mixed states of laughing &
crying at the same time. All I can say to
you, Deb, is that it DOES get better. An
example: I used to cry, under my mask,
sunglasses, and hat, when I came home
on the bus, and saw even the mundane
places in which Linda & I went: the
drugstore for our meds and the
supermarket. Now, I do my " horse with
blinders" and don't look at those places,
and think of something else. It worked
today. I looked at other passengers
( without staring!), and at houses and
trees on the way home. Lou

 

George, I'm so glad that writing for
yourself has been an outlet for you. When
Linda died, I wrote in a journal. From
that, I wrote down talking points to
discuss with my grief counselor, once a
week. Now, I get much more enjoyment
from writing emails to people here. It's
a quicker way than writing letters the
old fashioned way, although I do that,
too, with a couple from Pa., who will be
visiting here, soon. Lou

 

'
Robin,

I'm waiting right along with you... Thanks for getting back to me. I think you're probably right that the weekend doesn't count. Praying for good news...

I've had that really "foggy" brain thing going on all day, and forgot to mention this to you. I was replying to a post last night when it started to get dark out. I got up to shut the plantation shutters in my living room and noticed that there was a bright light shining in through my front door. At first I thought maybe it was a neighbor's headlights as they were pulling into their driveway, but then I realized that the outside light over my front door was on. I know I've been really forgetful lately, and in a brain "fog" lots of the time, but I'm pretty sure I didn't turn this light on. I want to believe that it was Bob, letting me know he's watching over me. It made me smile...

Tomorrow's garbage day. I want to get the trash can outside before it before it starts pouring again, so stopping here.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, I really wish we could talk on the
phone, bc my mood changed so rapidly
today. My breakfast & seafood dinner in
the afternoon, were both successful. My
short interactions with the waitresses
were pleasant . I enjoyed sitting alone
in both places. For the seafood dinner,
I decided to sit in the empty dining room,
listening to eclectic music: Clapton, The
Beatles, blues, etc., rather than at the
bar, with SIX TV screens, on mute, but
with sports teams I didn't care about.
When I got home, I felt really tired &
went under the covers for a nap. You
were right about being afraid to doze &
think a sad thought. Suddenly, I pictured
lying down on the couch in Linda's room
at the rehab unit. We would tell the
nurses we needed to take a nap, and they
didn't bother us. I started crying, in my
usual way, saying, "Linda, I miss you, I
love you.....". I wiped the tears, threw on
my robe, sat at the table, and wrote to you.
As I said, you are like my AA sponsor,
when I'm falling apart. I feel like a fraud,
bc on an earlier email this afternoon, I
said it DOES get better. It's more like 2
steps forward & 1 step back. I wish I could
visit Linda one more time, talk with her,
tell her I loved her, and hug her. I need
more purpose than just taking care of
myself, stuffing my face, sleeping, and
walking. Well, that's my Gloomy Gus
comment for now. Hope you are
managing to have an OK day despite the
crummy weather. Lou

 

Lou,

I'm glad that you're able to do your "horse with blinders"now, and were able to avoid triggers on the bus ride home. I'm going to keep repeating, "it DOES get better," over and over again, whenever I wish I could just jump off this seemingly never ending roller coaster ride of emotions.

My emotions are all over the place tonight. I think it has something to do with this miserable weather. I cried today just looking at the bedroom door that's been shut for almost six months. When I went outside to get the mail, there was a piece of junk addressed to Bob. I cried seeing his name in print.

It's strange, how time seems to stand still, and go by quickly, all at once. It's hard for me to believe that Bob has been gone almost six months, and yet, at the same time, I feel like he passed away yesterday. Lots more to say about this, but I'm too emotionally zapped to be able to make much sense. Another one of those TBCs...

It's pouring again, another one of those torrential downpours that seem to stop as quickly as they start. If this keeps up, there will probably be some flooded roads tomorrow. I'm lucky because my house isn't in a major flood zone. Some of my neighbors a few streets away aren't as lucky.

Being as frazzled as I am, I'm going to make something for dinner, take a hot shower, get into bed early, and read. In the morning, I have a dermatology appointment, so won't be around until later. However, I will be thinking about you..., hoping your day is off to a good start.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Our messages just crossed, Deb. My last
message. just now, was much sadder and
despairing, after an attempted nap. There
were 2 triggers today. Like junk mail for
Bob, I got crap from PCH, Publishers
Clearing House, with my name & address
in 10 places, and how they missed me.
They showed the same fake, cheery
faces of the men & women who come
to your door, with balloons, and your
winnings. I thought of poor Linda wading
through the envelopes and hoping for
prizes that never came. I ripped the
envelopes in many pieces at the Post
Office, to ward off identity theft. My other
trigger was buying an identical wallet to
replace my old, worn one. I remembered
buying the FIRST one in the same store,
from the same owner. Lou

 

Lou,

I was just about to go make dinner when I saw this message. First..., sending you hugs.... I'm so sorry those memories popped into your head. I HATE!!! how they seemingly appear out of nowhere..., no escaping from them, no "off switch." Grief is always hanging over our heads, always hitting us the hardest, sometimes when we least expect it.

I totally "get" how you wish you could visit with Linda once more, I feel the same way about Bob. It SUCKS BIG TIME!!! I don't know how else to say it. It just SUCKS!!!

I also feel like you do, that not only do I need to be able to take care of myself, but I need to find my purpose in life again. Although I have a vague idea of what I think part of my purpose is, I'm struggling with this...

Tonight is a miserable one for both of us, but hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. WE CAN & WILL GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER!!!

I was about to stop here for now, but before I end this, no way are you are a fraud!!! This miserable rocky path we've been forced to take, is filled with unexpected twists and turns... making us stumble along the way. I think it's always going to be one step forward, one step backwards, and then another day it'll be two steps forward, and only one step backwards...

Going to end this, I'm too frazzled to write much more, but want you to know I'm with you in spirit.

Sending you more hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Robin,

I'm so drained, I wouldn't make much sense if I tried to reply now, but I want you to know I smiled when I read your message. It just helps knowing that you understand.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou,

I read your sad message and sent you a second message. I hope you see it. I'm too frazzled to write anything that would make sense, but know that I'm thinking about you, and am with you in spirit.

I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight. Backing up a bit, I hope you find my second message because I won't be around in the morning. I have a dermatology appointment, but will be be back later on.

For now, sending you lots more hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Having a very light supper, after my
feast this afternoon, and kept checking to
see if you answered me. I wish you & I
could hug, cry, and vent together, in
person, Deb, but I will just imagine that we
are. I was doing so well, then.... boom. It
really does suck, "big time", as Linda used
to say. I keep hearing her words and her
voice, but it's making me really sad. She
was the smartest, funniest woman I knew,
and she & I cared for each other deeply.
When we took our wedding vows, in
front of a kind, quiet minister, in an
"Island Chapel" in Las Vegas, we both
teared up during the ceremony. Linda
was so funny, and made fun of herself,
that she said later that I choked up at
" to have & to hold" bc she had put on
weight by the time we married, and that
I was worried that I couldn't wrap my
arms around her waist!! She told this
self deprecatory story to others, and
always got a laugh. I hope this anecdote


can make you smile. Lou

 

Thanks for telling me about your
dermatology appointment, Deb. I'll miss
our morning "talk". If I wake up in the
middle of the night, I'll check to see if
you & Robin are there. She goes to bed a
lot later than I do.Although I choose not to
have a TV, I'll watch & read different
things on my smart phone. I'm too
restless to read right now, but the free
Reader's Digest I got at my PO box, will
definitely put me to sleep! Hope you
sleep well, and take Melatonin if you
need to. Lou

 

Lou,

Thanks for the smiles... Great story, love Linda's sense of humor!!! Linda is the only other person, (I feel as if I almost) know, who used "big time," like I do.

I have to leave the house in a couple of minutes, but want you to know I'm thinking about you, hoping that free copy of the Reader's Digest served a useful purpose, put you right to sleep...

Hope you're feeling better this morning...

"Talk" later...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thanks for your fun, quick message, Deb,
before your appointment. Hope it goes well. Did go to sleep with Reader's Digest,
thanks! Woke up at 5am, ate some breakfast, and went back to sleep 'til
8:30am, when I was pleasantly surprised
to see your message. You and Linda are
so much alike. She was an English major
in college. It was extra hard for her to
deal with insensitive, stupid people. I'm
grateful she was able to travel to Europe
after graduation. Linda felt strongly that
to become an American citizen, one
must learn English. We were on the same
page politically. I'll " get off my soapbox
now", another favorite Linda expression.
I believe used that phrase as well! Looks
like a sunny day, finally, so I'll walk down
to Neck. Kim will pick me up on our
usual shopping trip at 3pm. Hope your
weather improves soon. I vaguely
remember going to Myrtle Beach. Do you
ever go there? A long time ago, before
Linda, I went with a buddy to Key West.
That was wild! Lou

 

Correction: I omitted that YOU used the
soapbox expression, Deb!!

 

Good Morning all,
I hope today is a better day for each of us. I see many of you were seriously struggling yesterday. In time and ever so slowly things will look better. As I’ve said before I don’t feel time heals, it hasn’t for me anyway. Time has made me stronger though. And even struggling with RA and walking being difficult I’m seeing I can do more then I ever dreamed. Ron taught me many things, mainly by watching, we did everything together. I’m using tools I’ve never even touched before. Ron would be proud. I mention this because doing things that are way out of my comfort zone all happens because of Ron and he can make me smile. He’s guiding me. You will all get there in your own time. It’s almost like a lightbulb goes off in my head and I realize Ron is walking me through this project. So keep pushing forward and know sometime in the future those days like yesterday will happen but further apart. I have those days too, I know it’s a living nightmare. I don’t know if it’s from this pandemic or the loss of Ron, but I have melt down in crowds, anywhere noisy, I’m out of there.
To touch upon Lou mentioning I stay up late. A couple things, first people with RA can have the symptom of trouble sleeping. I have that, plus I always stayed up late. Not the 1 or 2 am I tend to do now but late. It’s all part of grieving for me. My sleep has been bad since Ron passed. I miss him holding me to help me get to sleep. So rather then toss and turn and not sleep I answer on here or read. And I’m awake early too. Just how it is for now anyway. When Ron first passed I didn’t sleep at all, or little tiny naps.
I’m hoping everyone is having a better day today and getting fresh air. I’m waiting on that vet phone call still and it’s wearing me out. I don’t want to miss the call so I can’t mow the yard like I hoped. Hopefully they call soon.
Take care everyone, your spouses are a part of you. They’re with you, they helped mold you into the person you are today. Sending hugs to all
Robin

 

Thank you, Robin. Now I understand why
you stay up late. We ARE stronger, bc when Linda died, I couldn't sleep at all.
I was given Melatonin, like Deb, to relax,
and sleep for a few hours. Can you get
someone to mow the lawn for you? That
seems a bit much. Today's a new day,
finally sunny, which lifts my spirits. I
went to my usual breakfast place, where
I talked with the woman owner one day
about my being a widower. I asked a
friendly couple, who were visiting here,
where they were from. They said an island
off North Carolina. I was pleased that they
loved the ocean as I do. It felt good to
reach out to strangers, & they enjoyed
our conversation, too. Hope you get
good news soon.

 

Lou,
I’m such a ocean lover too. My daughter got a beach pass for her Jeep so she could drive me right on the beach and I don’t have to walk much on the sand. We didn’t get to do that this year because her Jeep has computer issues and although everything seems to be working ok the lights on the dash say otherwise. We’re going tonight to look at used Jeep to replace hers. I live on Long Island, we have water everywhere and enjoy it so much. It’s relaxing to watch and listen to. Ron and I went to myrtle Beach often for our anniversary. Happy memories. And we took our kids to Ocean City Maryland every summer as they were growing up. We owned a boat too and spent Sunday's on the great South Bay
I have a tractor lawn mower that use to do my yard so it’s not so hard on me. And my daughter helps me do the trimming with a weed eater. I kind of enjoy doing it. Sense of accomplishment.
Thank you, tired of waiting for the call. I’ll be calling there soon.
Hope you’re having a better day. Robin

 

Hi Robin, when you mentioned riding mower it took me back when Jack had me load up wood in the trailer that was hooked up to the mower and ride down to the wood pile, then back up for another load. I was really scared of the mower until I learned the controls. I always was in slow motion.

How fun to have an ocean Jeep, your daughter must really love you. Your family vacations on the water, wow! what great memories for you.

We're all waiting for the call too for little Teddy -- your buddy. Take Care, Karen