Be Strong! Be Kind

Yes, I thought so! I went into that
museum, in my 20s, when I was traveling
with my college roommate, after we
graduated.

 

Robin, when I visited the home office of
my 1st grief counselor, I would wait on the
outer deck until her therapy with another
client was over ( she had no waiting
room). As I was about to enter her home,
she pointed to a monarch butterfly which
had just landed on the railing. I was in a
bad mood, and not receptive at the time.
Now, I see signs of Linda's presence, in
many places. One of those signs is that
when I turn on my smart phone, most
of the time I see Linda's birth date, and
feel she's with me. Lou

 

Lou,

Of course I don't mind taking a break from talking about dogs!!! I'm so sorry that talking about my favorite "fur baby" has reminded you of the absolute worst moments in your life... Hearing you repeat all the horrible moments from the worst day of your entire life, has me in tears... I can't imagine how you felt, all alone... no family or friends..., only Linda's PT and recreational therapist to hug you... What you had to go through all alone, is way beyond heartbreaking...

I was all alone too, the entire time Bob was in the ER, to the time he passed away at 3:45 a.m., the next morning. Although my children couldn't be with me physically, at least they were on the phone with me, and stayed on the phone, after Bob passed away. There is no way I would have made it through that night/early morning, managed to drive myself home, open my front door, and have been forced to relive the worst moments of my life, if my children hadn't insisted on remaining on the phone. I can't even begin to describe how I felt, opening the front door... My house looked like it could have been staged for a scene straight out of a horror movie.

I'm very glad that you don't dwell on this much anymore, total understatement!!! No need to apologize now, or ever, for being a "gloomy Gus." I'll be here to "listen," no matter what you want/need to "talk" about. Although I don't think about how Bob spent his final hours on earth 24/7 like I did in the beginning, I still think about it way too often. I hate this seemingly endless roller coaster ride of emotions, with no control over the thoughts that randomly pop into my mind. Where is that "off switch???"

I hope I wasn't too much of a "Debbie Downer," and that you're enjoying the beginning of a fun filled evening. Wait, scrap that last sentence. I know I was just a "Debbie Downer," but, and this is another one of those BIG buts, in spite of it, I hope you're enjoying the beginning of a fun filled evening. I'm smiling again, just thinking about you having some fun.

Stopping here, before I turn this into another (almost) book.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, I love your "books". You are my favorite
writer, bc you understand me. Speaking of
roller coasters, and change of plan, as I was
walking outside, at dinnertime, down to the
Shack, it was raw, windy, and rainy, and I
turned right around & walked inside. I made
myself BIGELOW Sweet Dreams herbal tea
and tuna & romaine lettuce on rice cakes.
I'm so glad you answered me just now. The
sun never came out, and I had np desire to
be out today. Tomorrow should be better, and
I plan to take a bus, for change of scene, and
have a seafood dinner in the nearby city,
instead of the Shack. I know it's a weird time
for a nap, but the emotions of therapy, the
dark, gray day, and the tea, make me want to
get under the covers. I told my therapist that,
like a lot of people, I seem to be sleeping
more, like a hibernating bear. This nap
won't affect my sleeping tonight, bc I seem
to need both. I'll check for your messages
later. I also answer George, Robin, and
Cynde these days. Thanks again for being
such a kind friend, Deb. Lou

 

Robin,

No need to apologize!!! As you always say, and now I say it too (I hope you don't mind me quoting you), it was a mixture of happy and sad tears. I do believe in signs and it has me smiling because I truly believe that was Ron, there with you, when you needed him so much. He is watching over you. I believe this with all my heart.

I talk to Bob all the time as though he is still here with me. It's a strange feeling, I don't know how to describe it, but sometimes I feel like he is in the house with me, I sense him being near me. Most of my friends, and my entire family would probably think I had "lost it" if I told them this. I've also had signs that Bob is with me, but only three times so far. Tom Zuba, in his book, "Permission To Mourn," says that it's our job (or something like this, can't think of the exact words he used) to look for signs from our loved ones, to be open to signs from them. He said if we do this, it will help us heal. It's an excellent book. Lou recommended it to us, and reminded me about it again, not too long ago. I'm so glad he did. I keep it on my night stand and reread parts of it when I'm feeling really down.

Thank you for sharing the beautiful and very special way Ron surprised you with Teddy. It has me smiling...

I'm sorry the vet didn't have the results back today. Waiting is so unbelievably hard!!! Like Lou, I will say a prayer for Teddy.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, I'm exhausted & about to take an early evening nap, as I just told you in my
reply to your moving message to me about
the horrible nights the two of us had at
the ER, when our soulmates physically
left us. As I've learned from Center for
Loss, fatigue is part of mourning. Thank
you for giving me credit for recommending Zuba. I'm pleased that
you reread chapters, like I do, with
Jonathan. "See you later", Deb. Lou

 

Lou,

The weather has such a big impact on my emotions too. I'm glad that Mother Nature is going to be kinder to where you live tomorrow. I love that you are taking such good care of yourself. I hope you feel better after your much needed nap. I like your sense of adventure, and how tomorrow, you're planning on doing something nice for yourself. Hearing this, makes me smile... And, I always could use more smiles!!!

Tomorrow is supposed to be the beginning of a miserable week of weather, extremely humid, hot, on and off showers, also some of those torrential downpours that seem to come out of nowhere, but end just as quickly as they began. My friend (who lives a few blocks away from me) and I were going to go out for lunch at an outdoor Thai restaurant this week. I think we're going to have to postpone our plans.

As I think I told you before, its so easy be your friend. You are such a good person, with a huge heart, and as an added plus, a great sense of humor!!! Thank you for being here for me too. You are helping me get through the darkest days of my life more than you realize. I truly value your friendship.

I hope you're sound asleep, enjoying that nap. I haven't eaten yet, and am starting to get hungry, so stopping here (for now.)

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

I'm praying for Teddy's good outcome. My sister's dog was named Teddy, part terrier and something else. He died last year, but had the best life he could of. Dogs are not just animals, they are our human pets, they are human in every way, an extension of our family. When my dog died many years ago for three weeks I couldn't leave the house, closed all the curtains so I didn't have to look at her dog house, so I truly know how you feel. But, let's not dwell on the negative for Ted.
That story about Ron at Petco made me emotional, what a great memory and so sweet of him to think of this surprise for you. Good news coming up. Karen

 

Just woke up from nap, but still exhausted.
I'll take my nightly meds, by 9:30 pm, &go back to sleep. Looking forward to it! As
A fun friend of mine would say: " total
understatement!!!" Thank you for saying I
have a great sense of humor. When I went
back to the psychiatric unit, after that 1st
time, I had the ability to make my fellow
clients laugh, I remember one young
woman, who was addicted to heroin, but
had a good heart and a soft voice. I loved
when I could make her laugh. She, in
turn, cared about my mourning and
loneliness over Linda's death. My last
stay there was Valentine's Day, 2020. I was
with 2 other guys, in their late 50s, this
time, and we managed to have a lot of
laughs in our private conversations, not
in our counselor led meetings. They were
astonished that I wasn't their age. They had all gray, or white, hair. I had mostly
brown, with flecks of gray hair. Now, the
gray is coming in, more, but most people
think I'm 60, which is a nice compliment.
I FEEL late 50s inside, and not my
chronological age. Well, I went off topic,
Deb. That's what stream of conciousness
writing will do! In person, I'm more of a
quiet listener. That's how I met that
wonderful couple, Steven & Betsy, from
Amish country in Pa. Looking forward to
seeing them in 2 weeks, and want to
introduce them to Kim & Kim's parents.
They actually said hello to Kim on the
phone, when Kim was dropping me off
at home. My friendship with S&B started
on a quiet Mon night at the Shack, when
I was sitting next to Lyle ( who was on his
best behavior!), and I simply asked where
they were from. Steven later wrote to
me that he & Betsy were fascinated, seeing
a crusty, older "old salt" who was telling
tales of the sea, and a quieter man who
was listening to him. Steven was amazed
thatvLyle & I hadn't known each other
that long. They loved Lyle & his stories and
bought him a beer. When S&B come, it
will be around Lyle's 75th birthday. so I
will text Lyle when they arrive. Well. time
for pills & bed. Sorry that you seem to
be living in the Tropics! I'm so happy we
can comfort each other, and that I can
make you "smile". Good night, Deb. Hope
you have pleasant dreams. Lou

 

Lou,

You did it again, you got me to laugh!!! This is becoming a regular thing. I'm fried too. I fell asleep after only reading a few pages in The Notebook. I woke up a few minutes ago. I probably didn't need any melatonin, but took some anyway. There's nothing worse then getting into bed, being totally toasted but unable to sleep.

Lyle reminds me of some of the fishermen who used to hang out at the small bar, across the street from the fish market, where I used to buy all of our seafood. There is no way anyone would know it was there unless one of the "locals" invited you. Bob quickly became good friends with one of the "locals" who we rented a slip from as soon as bought our boat. He owned several old houses at the end of a dead end street, that were built on stilts, close to the water. The views from his house were some of the prettiest water views in the area. I think I'm beginning to get off track, so back to what I wanted to say, he invited Bob to go with him for a beer one night after they both were finished working. The rest is history... It was a fun place to hang out and the best place to go to for a good, inexpensive drink in the area. The "locals" hosted a couple of events to raise money for two charities every year. All of the money from one of the events always went to the Make A Wish Foundation. During the holidays they collected toys for the children in our community who probably wouldn't find much under their trees otherwise. Also, during the holidays, they always had one night when all of us would bring our children to the bar, and it was like having one big "family" party. It was one of those "tame" nights, when everyone was on their best behavior, but it was lots of fun. It's strange, I haven't thought about these memories for such a long time, now they're flooding my mind. All of them have me crying both happy and sad tears... I'm missing Bob big time now.... I better stop here.

I'm glad that you'll be seeing Steve and Betsy soon. Did Tom and Ann leave yet? It's hard to believe that you didn't have any friends when you first moved to the town you now call "home." You're such an outgoing person!

I think the melatonin is starting to kick in. Going to take advantage of it, so stopping here, for now...

Sleep well....

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thank you so very much. I feel lucky to have so many friends here praying for a positive outcome. Can’t thank you all enough. So nice to have so many dog lovers here. Teddy means the world to me. I’m trying to think positive and pray I hear from the vet tomorrow. Glad you enjoyed my petco story. That was a special time. Ron searched for ads for dachshund puppies and later told me he was afraid I’d walk in while he was talking to people. He would make the calls from our business. Anyway, thank you again and I’ll keep everyone updated.

 

Lou, I’d say that’s a sign. Ron messes with my phone all the time. I’ll share a story and try to make it short. My daughter and I were staying at a hotel, it was what would have been Our 44th anniversary. We were sitting by the pool and music was playing. It was all 50’s music. Ron was a fan of that music, it’s what was playing in his home growing up. But it was all Rons favorite songs. One after another. And now it has my full attention and each one was a favorite and it brought tears. My daughter says I know, this is crazy. And goes on to say, this is a message from Dad. He’s here! He’s letting you know he’s watching over us. During this conversation my phone is sitting in the middle of the table. It lights up like I have a message. I reach for it and it’s showing a message from Ron. And the message was what my daughter had just said. Dad is here he’s letting you know he’s watching over us. Gives me goose bumps as I think of it again. Our spouses are with us snd watching over us. Robin

 

Deb, I don’t mind at all that you quote me. I’m glad you find it fitting and totally know the feeling. And you don’t have to explain the feeling that Bob is there. I know that feeling well. And sometimes Teddy alerts me that he feels Ron too. I do feel it’s up to us to be open to receive messages from our loved ones. Ron and I had discussed that we would try to give messages when one of us passed. And he’s keeping his word.
I’m glad you enjoyed my story snd gave you a smile. Thank you for your prayers, so appreciated. It’s late and I’m tired so I’ll end here. Hope you are all resting.
Robin
I’ll look for that book. I have a couple I’ve read and I enjoy them.

 

Just woke up from a long, involved dream
about people I didn't know. Do you ever get those, Deb? It was so good, and
surprising ( !) to see your 1am message.
After I reply to you, I'll go back to sleep.
I use my smart phone, ( this Zen monk
doesn't need a laptop), so I don't have to
get out of my warm bed. Some day, you
will have cooler temps in S.C. & be able to
do the same. You paint a picture when you
write. You are so like me, Deb. Your story
about the fisherman's house, with stilts
and waterviews, and his friendship with
Bob, is better than Reader's Digest. I love
your hidden gem of a bar, the Make a
Wish Foundation, & that everyone could
take their kids to that bar, & the guys there
were on their best behavior ( no F-bombs).
Tom & Ann are here 'til around Nov 1. To
keep up their lifestyle, of owning 2 houses,
Tom still works, at 70. He's a Type A
personality, unlike me, but we like each
other & make each other laugh. Ann is
more laidback, younger & taller than he
is. Tom can be seen, speed walking on the
Neck, on his phone, doing business deals
in Florida. I met them one Friday night at
the Shack, and miss them when they're
gone. One night, Ann stayed home, & Tom
and I went to another bar/restaurant, &
he said he'd miss me this winter. Everyone
likes them, including Lyle. Come to think
of it, Ann gave Lyle and me, a hug one
night ( and she wasn't even drinking!), and it felt good. Steven & Betsy are very
spiritual. Steven sent me a Bible. and
suggested certain Psalms. When Linda
died, the minister recited one I knew best:
Psalm 23. When I met Steven, I thought
he was a minister, but found out he was a
psychotherapist! I had told them so much
about my grief, that I joked with Steven,
who's 55, that he should send me a bill!
Betsy works virtually, and also plays
violin recitals in churches. She used to
come to week long retteats, by the sea here, every year, before she met Steven,
and she fell in love with this area. Betsy
got him to join her at the retreat later. At
first, his mind was too "cluttered", but then
he appreciated the simplistic, quiet beauty
and solitude. As I said, if they came into
some money, they'd move here, in a
heartbeat. They love my cards about the
places they know, & some of the people
they met. We have some real "characters"!
Well, this windbag will have to "talk" with
you later. Hope you're asleep! Lou

 

Tues am reflections: When you said I was
"outgoing", I had to think about that. When Linda & I met, Linda was more the extrovert,
and I was the introvert. She would strike up
conversations with cab drivers, cashiers in a
supermarket, etc., and always put them at ease, with praise and a kind word. After Linda
died, I became more of a " people person" as
my 1st grief counselor pointed out. I started
using some of Linda's funny phrases & kind
comments to strangers. She'd be amazed at
me today. As Linda became ill, she became
withdrawn, and was only close to me, and to
her favorite nurse. I had to handle everything
and deal with people on the phone, which
didn't come naturally. My grief counselor
suggested a short video, on YouTube, called
"Shoulder Taps". A kind man looks into the
camera, and says that if you see a stranger
& want to say something good to that person,
don't hesitate, bc it's a "shoulder tap" from
God. You will regret it if you miss that golden
opportunity to make a person smile, and to
feel good at the same time. Linda was very
good at this, and I'm carrying on her legacy.
About to take bus to a Gloucester breakfast
place which came into being after Linda died.
One quiet day, when no one was around, I
told my married waitress, 50, about Linda &
that I was a widower. It's important for me to
say that, especially to married women, who
seem to have an extra empathy gene. Now
that I established I'm not a "character", or a
bachelor hermit, we can joke about other
things. You notice a trend here, Deb? I did
the same thing with the PT and the woman
who did my pedicure. Well, better get that
10am bus. Bringing phone, if you want to
"talk" later! Lou

 

Robin, your 50s music messages from
Ron, gave me goosebumps and also tears.
I forget whether I recommended Tom
Zuba's book, Permission to Mourn, a true
story of coping with the deaths, from
illness, of his wife and 2 of his children.
He was suicidal, but had to raise his 2
other boys. I'm so glad he lived to help
others, like us, with his books and his
lectures ( you can see him on YouTube
Ted talks). Deb, George, and I have an
informal "book club" and you're welcome
to join. I also love The Widower's Notebook, a memoir, by Jonathan
Santlofer. He touches on everything we
talk about. Lou

 

Good Morning Lou,

As you can probably tell, I'm getting another late start. I kept waking up last night. I knew I shouldn't have had that last cup of tea!! My "plumbing system" isn't as good as it used to be, way too many late night trips to the bathroom. Enough said, TMI!!! On to other things...

You have the most interesting friends!!! You have a way of being able to paint pictures with words too ... From your detailed descriptions, I feel like I know your friends, that if I saw them on the street, I would be able to say hello to them using their names. I agree with you, Linda would be way beyond amazed if she knew how outgoing you've become. She would be very proud of you. She would be so happy to know that even though she isn't able to be here with you, you're not alone.

I love your sense of adventure, the way you're able to hop on a bus, go out for breakfast by yourself, and enjoy the day. I'm nowhere near the point that I would be able to enjoy eating out alone. Speaking of food, it's so late, that by the time you read this, you've probably already finished your breakfast! You might even be thinking about where you want to enjoy your lunch!

Whenever you tell me another story, it reminds me of something in my past, a memory that was tucked away somewhere in my mind, that I thought I had forgotten about. Although "talking" about my past is so difficult for me, I know I need to do this in order to move forward. Thank you for helping travel down this miserable rocky path, and for being here to pick me up when I stumble along the way.

I'm having lots of trouble putting my thoughts into words this morning. I'm functioning in slo mo... It just started pouring, one of those torrential downpours that usually doesn't last too long. I feel like I need a nap already!!! Going to pour another cup of coffee... I hope it kicks in quickly!!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Robin, I love that you quote Deb, and that
Deb quote me! Remember the adage:
" Imitation is the sincerest form of
flattery" . I also love to recommend books.
Once upon a time, "many moons ago", as
Linda used to say, I was an assistant
manager of a bookstore in the city, and
my favorite thing to do, was to suggest
books to customers, who were very
grateful. Would like to hear your
opinion, Robin, if you can get 1 or 2 of
these books. Lou

 

Lou,

Just read your reply to Robin. I can picture you as an assistant manager at a bookstore. I bet people appreciated your suggestions.
Coffee hasn't kicked in yet, so stopping here.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, I AM finishing my breakfast &
already thinking of lunch! ( Glad I can
walk it off!). You made ME laugh about
your TMI "plumbing issue". TMI was a
phrase Linda used. I will tell you a TMI
story of my own, which may help the
men here. One scary middle of the night,
I couldn't pee at all, and had to take a
cab to the ER, where the nurses had to
insert a catheter. If I could do emojis
here, it would be the horror sign of the
famous "Shriek" painting. A female ER
physician said, "you poor man", and
gave me a shot in the arm so I could relax.
Bc it was 3 in the morning, I fell asleep
and the deed was done. I will tell you that
I prayed to God that I would live, to see
another day. This was not exactly the
way I wanted to be surrounded by
women! My fantasy, Deb, is that you
visit me on Cape Ann, and I can show you
my haunts & introduce you to the people
I tell you about. I hope that if I meet
another woman, that she will be like you.
Lou