Ashamed over my grief, but in a lot if pain

Discussion in 'Grief in Common Updates, Questions & Answers' started by Andrew83, Feb 12, 2024.

  1. Andrew83

    Andrew83 Member

    So, my situation is different and I'm practically ashamed over it- but my therapist says not to be embarrassed. So, I will share a little bit and hope for understanding:

    Someone very important to me is accused of committing what I'll call a heinous crime, and I feel very betrayed, sad, depressed and angry over it. To the point where it's consumed my life. The person isn't dead, but they did something shocking and awful and I am furious. All the stages of grief intertwine. Is it ok to discuss this here? I need support and compassion, lest I'm always afraid of being judged. One friend I told about this was so dismissive, and only 2 other people know how much angst, depression, sadness, etc this has caused: my psychologist, my psychiatrist, and my best friend- who for a living is a psychologist. Thank you for reading this if you are.

    Andrew from St. Pete, Florida
    Patti 67 and Chris M 2000 like this.
  2. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    Hi Andrew. I am sorry for your loss, as it is a loss of dreams and confidence in someone. It is not a physical death, but bears the same hallmarks as one.
    We can understand your feelings of guilt. Guilt seems to be a common factor in many of the deaths experienced on this site-so you are not unusual or alone in these feelings of guilt.
    When our 28 year old son committed suicide, my supervisor came into my office and said, "You know what this is all about, don't you?" Of course I did not.
    Trying to sort through a myriad of feelings, just as you are, was overwhelming. He said it was all about forgiveness. I found out he couldn't have been more right about that. One of the hardest things to do was to forgive the person closest to me who I felt had opportunities to help our son, Shawn, but instead just made things harder. I had a huge struggle trying to do this, but I knew if I ever wanted to see him again I would have to forgive as God has forgiven me. Our son left a note saying he had struggled with anger towards so many people in his life, but that he had forgiven them all for not understanding. I knew if he could do that, I was going to have to do that also. I spent much time with God letting him help me to overcome this. It could have destroyed my life and my relationship with the person I really loved-in spite of blaming him/
    I spent much time wrestling with this task, but it is only by the grace of God that I was able to overcome the unforgiveness. I can remember the exact spot in our back yard that one day I struggled with my feelings so hard, trying to get past this blame and unforgiveness. Sometimes it still tries to capture my mind, but I have to rebuke it.
    Your situation is also one that is going to require forgiveness. Forgiving does not mean what was done was right, it just means letting go of something that can destroy our minds and our lives.
    The Lord Jesus Christ went to the cross and died a painful death, so that we could be forgiven. He knows all about this and He can help you to forgive this person so that you can find some peace in your life. Don't let it destroy you. In the Bible Joseph was treated so terribly by his own family, but he didn't hold onto the hurt. He was able to forgive and even love these people who had meant him so much harm. He ended up saving their lives all the while knowing they had tried to take his. Please read about this admirable person Joseph at Genesis 37-50. I cannot stop being so amazed at how he reacted to the hurt done to him. I guess it is called integrety in God's eyes.
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  3. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    You will find support and compassion here because we all know the depth of pain you are going through. I have never had anyone judge me here no matter what I have said. This is a group of people who understand like no one else does, even a psychologist, psychiatrist, or best friend, because only someone who has experienced the deep pain and heavy weight of grief can truly understand what it is. Others in your life want to help you, but if they have not experienced deep grief, they really cannot understand what you are going through.
    All of your feelings are valid. They may not be good, but that is you task to try to replace those with feelings that will be beneficial to you and others.
    Please stay in touch. Share your feelings as you feel led, because I found out that just by sharing my thoughts, no one had to have an answer, because God sent the answer in my heart and helped me sort things out.
    We care about what you are going through.
    Patti 67 and MICHAEL2023 like this.
  4. Andrew83

    Andrew83 Member

    Thank you so much for your kind and understanding words, Chris. They are extremely appreciated. As I begin to get to know people here, I'll feel more comfortable sharing some of the details as to the situation I have at hand- it's just painful to even write about it.
    Patti 67 and Chris M 2000 like this.
  5. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    I understand. Peace be with you.
    Patti 67 likes this.
  6. MICHAEL2023

    MICHAEL2023 Well-Known Member

    Andrew, you are in my prayers. I too have estranged relationships due to characteristics in others that I simply couldn't tolerate. Some were friends greater than 20 years. Each loss has it's own grief. Trust the process.

    Patti 67 likes this.
  7. Andrew83

    Andrew83 Member

    Thank you so much for your kind words. For me, I can overlook some things- as we are human. But for me, the hardest part is comprehending the why of this situation- I cannot currently speak to the person, I'm not ready to do that- but he had an entire life ahead of him and a brilliant career at a very young age- his actions have caused that to all be gone and instead, faces jail time- I just cannot comprehend that, it's those questions of WHY, and HOW- and perhaps I will never get an answer to that question as some things in life go unexplained and we just have to accept things as bad as they are. That ruminating thought in my mind causes a high level of anger. I get the repeating thought in my head of HOW COULD YOU DO THIS? How could you be so careless with not only your own life, but what about the people around you? Your family, your friends, the people who depended on you the most, your coworkers. All of this is so hard to process and fathom, making acceptance feel so far, far away- and this has ruminated for over 6 months now, vacillating between the other 4 phases. Thanks again so much for the support.
    MICHAEL2023 and Patti 67 like this.
  8. Patti 67

    Patti 67 Active Member

    Hi Andrew,
    My name is Patti, it is good you found GIC, I feel very Blessed to have found this site where folks here are very compassionate, understanding.
    The why and how of things happening in our life’s , some we may never know, but God understands all things, through all times I have found
    by asking God to take away what was overwhelming my mind knowing that I can call on God to give me serenity, acceptance, courage, and wisdom.
    and place everything in HIS care. I also found how important forgiving was, in order for me to forget I first needed to forgive, and then was able to
    feel a peace come over me. I said a prayer for you Andrew as I read you’re post asking God’s Will for you in your life.
    Blessings, Patti
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  9. Andrew83

    Andrew83 Member

    Thank you so much for your kind Words Patti. It's difficult, and part of me feels a bit selfish, because there are people in the world going through things that I'd say are harder than I, but my therapist said to concentrate on myself. I'm also feeling like so much of my anger is because I personally feel let down by this person's actions, and not as much as others also affected by them- and part of me feels selfish over that because I know I'm not the only one he's hurt emotionally by this. I try to keep reminding myself that someone can commit a crime, but it doesn't necessarily automatically make them a bad person- as deep down in his heart I believe he is the same great guy that so many came to adore. That occasionally helps but ultimately my thoughts go back to anger and sadness and a feeling of deep betrayal.