And just like that, she's gone.

Rose, when I woke up this morning, I was
amazed and pleased to see new member,Daisy, from N.Y. , helping an even
newer member Auggie. Both of them are
about the same age, and each of them have
one son ( I look at the info biography of
new members, to make connections).
Some Grief Warriors might call me a
detective, or amusingly, The Godfather,
bc I want to bring the mourners together.
Just hearing about all your house
maintenance problems, without your
Mr. Fix It , C., by your side, physically,
makes me realize how fortunate I am to
live in a simple apartment. The landlord
hires a crew to mow the lawn, do
building maintenance, and to plow the
walkway ( I just shovel my steps). Please
don't feel guilty when the handyman, or
anyone else, helps you. In the meantime,
it's good that you can enjoy walks in
nature right now. Unlike where I live, by
the ocean, where you live will be
unbearably hot in the summer, and you
will have to stay inside in the afternoon.
It's so important to take the time "to smell
the roses", dear Rose, bc as we all know,
only too well, life is short and unpredictable. That's why I've found joy
in dancing recently, seeing others smile,
and feeling myself smile, as well. Lou T.

 

We all to.be feeling the same way thats the pretty of this site understanding each other. Rather we word it differently or not its interpreted the same. We have all lost part of us and its hard getting things done that we're used of doing with our other halves or just having them do. I have alot projects that need done around the house to and the thought of having to hire someone to do things my Gant would normally do hurts. I did get someone to do something that had to be done right away but the facts of getting them to do the rest have me moving in baby steps to get it done. I ask.my brother to check on small.stuff for.me but he doesn't get why I be in my feelings about stuff. The mental strength is important and grief has taken that and only people that has been through the same loss get that so I get everything you were saying because it was some of the same things I've said or am feeling. Im teaching my kids independence in doing small.stuff . They so young so they do what they can and its cute. Its rough without our mates but we pushing and doing what we do for our kids.

 

Im sorry about your vision and pray it gets better for you soon. I love how you told your son life is not over its just changing. Thats exactly what its doing. We have to learn to adapt to the changes because they are big ones. Being able to adapt will help you survive. Having each other to go through it together will help. The physical emptiness is their but as you get stronger the memories warm your heart and you'll feel blessed to have them.

 

Auggie,

Lou has a great idea. I wanted to type this in all capitol letters, hoping it would be easier for you to read, but I'm technically challenged, and have no idea how to type in all caps, unless I keep hitting the shift button on my chrome book. If I did this, it would take me so long to type a single word, that I would forget what I wanted to say to you. Blaming this as usual, on my way too foggy widow brain!!! I hope you'll be able to read this, along with all the other posts, our GIC "family," has sent to you.

Words seem so very shallow at times, but since words are all I have, I hope you know how truly sorry I am, to hear that your wife, Michele, passed away. My husband, Bob, died on April 11, 2021, at 3:45 a.m. Time seems to stand still and move forward all at once. Unlike Michele, Bob was sick for many years, but it wasn't until the beginning of 2018, that I had to become his full time caregiver. By the time he died, he had a specialist for just about every body part. Being Bob's full time caregiver was the very hardest job I've ever had, but would gladly do it all over again, if only I could...

You are in the very beginning of this way beyond, miserable journey (for lack of a better word). I was fortunate because I was in good health when Bob died. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult this must be for you..., going to your first cancer treatment, then Michele suddenly passed away. On top of this you're dealing with unpleasant side effects from the chemo. Please be very gentle with yourself. As other GW (Grief Warriors) have said, try to eat healthy foods, get lots of rest, and some fresh air and sunshine when you can. I know eating healthy and getting plenty of rest is much easier said than done, TUTTAM!!! (Total Understatement To The Absolute Max!!!), but please do the very best you can, to take the very best care of yourself as you possibly can. Michele would want this for you, and you and your son need each other...

Backing up a bit, I found one of the very best ways to help myself was to spend as much time as possible, outside, taking long walks, surrounded by so many of God's way beyond beautiful creations. Even if it's physically not possible for you to take long walks, try to sit outside when you can, breathe in some fresh air, feel the sun on your face, listen to the sounds of nature all around you... If there are days when just getting out of bed seems way too challenging, if you don't have to be anywhere, be easy on yourself. Let yourself cry, allow yourself to feel all the emotions that are swirling around inside your head.

Although this is probably impossible for you to understand now, if you do all the hard work grieving forces you to do, eventually, the timeline is different for each one of us, life will get better, NEVER!!! as good as it once was, but better. The way Robin, one of my friends, and also a GW, described it to all of us, is that life will become a mix of happy and sad. After almost two years, I can finally say that my life has become so very over the top bittersweet. Happiness is always laced with sadness, but, and this is one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, this is so much better than the alternative.

I don't think anyone has mentioned this yet, but if so, ignore this paragraph. Lou, the godfather of our group, because of the way he is able to get us to open up to each other, and because he somehow has been able to morph us into a very close, tight knit "family," recommended two excellent books to us. I know you're having difficulty reading right now, but when your vision improves, one of the books he recommended is called "Permission To Mourn," by Tom Zuba. Tom Zuba's 18 month old daughter died, his wife died, and one of his sons died, all at different times. The book is very short, and is easy to read, but it is the book that's helped me the most. I kept a copy on my nightstand for a long time, and used to reread parts of it over and over again. I bought copies for several people, and then I gave my copy to someone who needed it, but have since purchased several more copies, to have on hand whenever I meet someone who I think might benefit from this excellent book. Lou also recommended "The Widower's Notebook," by Jonathan Santlofer. Jonathan Santlofer's, wife, Joy passed away. This is his story, and it is at times, very difficult to read. It is packed with raw emotion, and speaks from his heart. If you read this book, Lou recommended not to read it at night, and I think this is very good advice.

I can relate to the way you're feeling. I've felt numbness, shock, and still feel like I have PTSD from the last 24 hours of Bob's life. It's a long story, and I'm not going to repeat it here, but once your vision improves, if you want, you can read about it in some of my older posts, probably dating back to sometime in 2021. One of the things that Tom Zuba teaches us is that in order to heal, (I no longer believe we heal, but in time, I got used to living without Bob (physically) with me), or as I prefer to say, in order to move forward, we must talk about everything we're feeling, repeating as many times as necessary all those way beyond painful moments, to anyone and everyone who will listen, until there comes a day, when we just can't repeat ourselves again, the day when we don't feel like we need to.

If we do this, do all the difficult work grieving forces us to do, then we will "heal," as Tom Zuba might say, or move forward as I prefer to say. We will be here for you, "listen" to what you need/want to say, give you a virtual shoulder to lean on, the BIGGEST virtual hugs, and also tell you our stories. Sometimes we'll even give you advice, but, and this is another one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, you can take it or leave, it, this is a judgement free zone. We will be here for you, no matter what you decide to do.

I'm so sorry you had to find us, but so glad you did. Welcome to our GIC "family," TGW. It is an amazing group of people, who have morphed into some of my very closest friends, strange as it might sound, because we have never met in person, lol!!!, but who know me in a way that those of us who haven't experienced this kind of total heartbreak, can't possibly know me, no matter how hard they try. This has become my safe place, the one place I know I can visit, say whatever I'm thinking, cry, scream, and just get it all out... There is always someone here to comfort me, wrap me in virtual hugs... make me feel a little better, knowing I'm not alone in this over the top crazy, f*cked up world, we've been thrown into.

I hope you'll stick around, give us the chance to get to "know" you, and you the chance to get to "know" us. I hope this will become your safe place too. Once again, welcome to TGW, our GIC "family."

Sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Well, DEB, you've outdone yourself in
the greatest, longest "book" in your post
to Auggie. Thank you, once again, for
giving me credit for my book suggestions,
which were recommended to me by my
grief counselor after Linda died. I was too
broken to read Jonathan's book at first ,
bc it hit too close to home. I started
weeping when I read the first few pages,
& had to put the book away. One morning,
over coffee, I tried again and couldn't
put it down. Like you with Zuba's book, I
reread some of the chapters, but usually
the lighter ones. Jonathan has a humorous,
self effacing attitude about the ups and
downs of his 40 year marriage to Joy.
Instead of trying to use capital letters in
writing posts to Auggie, maybe he could
get audio books of the 2 titles we suggested
and by then, maybe his vision will have
improved and he could share his thoughts
with us. Lou

 

Lou Travolta,

What an excellent idea!!!, TUTTAM!!! I know I should NEVER!!! say I think you should do anything!!!, TUTTAM!!!, but, and this is one of those really BIG!!! BUTS, I hope you aren't pissed off by me saying I think you should send Auggie a short post using all capitols, and suggest this to him. It would be way beyond wonderful if he could listen to the books instead of straining his eyes to try to read them. Of course, if he doesn't feel up to it, it's okay!!! I remember when I could barely remember what I ate for lunch, not even an hour after finishing it, when I couldn't retain anything except articles and books on grief. It SUCKED!!! BIG!!! TIME!!!, TUTTAM!!!

I hope as I'm "talking" to you, you're dancing the night away...

Sending you hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace, all the way from TUTTAMVILLE. DEB & Skye

 

Greetings La Rose. I’ve been thinking about what you mean about never ending home maintenance. Our home is a 2 story farmhouse built in 1920. I worked construction and have been able to take care of all repairs or upgrades. Now approaching age 69 everything is different. I made the decision never to climb an extension ladder again. Luckily I have someone who cleans gutters. I lived in the country 35 years and it’s terrifying to think of living around a large group of humanoids. Finding contractors now is almost impossible. So I fix and maintain what I can. There is a site call Silver Nesters where you give someone free room and board and they do chores for you. I haven’t checked it out yet but I may some time. My beloved Cheryl was an antique dealer. The downstairs was like a museum ever changing beautiful pieces being replaced with more beautiful ones. We never acquired so much stuff. I wondered who was going to be the one to get rid of it all. All the estate sales we went to I felt sympathy for the people. I had no idea it would happen to us so quickly. I dwell in the past and worry about the future and freak out regularly. I’m going to borrow a line from the Wizard of Oz, there’s no place like home. And I need to repeat this often. Gary

 

Thank You!

 

Hi, So today is my 65th birthday. For my birthday, I had my son take me to buy a new suit coat for my sweethearts funeral. I've still got blurred vision. Hope it goes away soon. Didn't sleep well last night. And yet, because of my son, I feel blessed on this day.

 

Auggie, God Bless you, Michele, your
son, and Happy Birthday!! Lou

 

Auggie,

This is one of the most beautiful..., most sad posts..., so over the top bittersweet... I need a tissue. I believe your way beyond wonderful outlook on life will help you get through the darkest of days. Like you, I feel very blessed that Bob and I were able to have a family. Children are truly one of God's greatest gifts.

I hope your vision improves ASAP!!! Getting adequate, or even any sleep, can be very difficult, especially in the beginning. I used a combination of fresh air, long walks, hot showers, and melatonin, in an attempt to get some much needed zzz's. A member who has been MIA for a very long time, got all of us to laugh. She said the bags under her eyes were so BIG!!!, she looked like "Uncle Fester, (from the Addams Family). Many of us could relate to this. Some members have had success with guided sleep meditation, using certain breathing techniques to help relax. You might want to talk to your doctor to find out what he/she thinks might work best for you. In the end, I think the thing that helped me the most was time. The more time that went by, the more I missed Bob, but, I got used to him not being (physically) with me. Even now, almost two years later, I sometimes wake up from a dream, and for a split second, think that Bob is lying beside me, where he's supposed to be. As soon as I realize it was only a dream, the flood gates open, I reach for the box of tissues I keep by my bed... It SUCKS!!!

I hope, although today is such a sad day, the time you spent with your son got you to smile, if only for a little while, the very best birthday present I can think of.

Wishing you a very Happy Birthday in this totally f*cked up, crazy, bittersweet world we've been thrown into.

As always, sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Awww! Happy Blessed Birthday !

 

Sorry I've arrived late, due to our six hour time difference.
Sending you belated best wishes and comfort and peace to you and your son.

 

Happy birthday Auggie! Cheryl transitioned on the Friday before Mother’s Day and We got a nasty snow storm and freeze that killed Cheryl’s bleeding heart flowers. 3 days later it was my birthday. 10 days after that it was Cheryl’s birthday then Memorial Day and on and on. I felt like a dead man walking. One of our battle cries on this site is stumble forward. If I lean forward enough I will make myself take a step. I trust the science and used various sleep meds and antidepressants. Unfortunately nothing worked consistently. But I became med free 7 months later. On my phone I made a collage of photos of Cheryl and I at our favorite special places. When bad thoughts came I would look at the photos and remind myself of all the good times we had. At times I feel Cheryl’s nonphysical presence near me. Sometimes when I inhale I say, “I love you Cheryl”.And when I exhale I imagine Cheryl saying back to me, “I love you Gary.” Its very therapeutic. To survive this grief we have to use our imaginations. Gary

 

Beautiful idea, Gary, about inhaling and
exhaling, and thinking of your sweet
Cheryl. Holding Linda's cane, talking to
her,as I walk up & down hills, gives me
strength and a sense of peace. Lou

 

Gary, I totally relate to you about using our imaginations. That's exactly how I'm surviving, how I'm preserving my mental health. My C is not only constantly present in my mind, heart and soul, but I also feel like I am still made of 'half me' and 'half him', like it's always been. I sense it will always be this way, and I wouldn't want it to be any other way. He is not a part of my past, he is present now and in the future, just in a different way, we are still married. Every morning his beautiful face is the first thing I see in front of me and the last thing I see when I finally fall asleep for a few hours every night, and I often dream about him, just like last night, but sadly I don't remember the dream, I just know he was there.
I agree with Lou, I love that idea of inhaling and exhaling "I love yous" to each other.
I'm so glad I can share these inner thoughts of mine with you all here, I can't tell anyone else, it would be like talking different languages.
Rose.

 

'
I am glad you had a good time dancing- i remember how much fun we had but there is no place here that i would go to alone. As i mentioned in my message - his name is Jim and I am just Cee to most people.

 

Cee, thank you so much for saying your
name and Jim's. Hope you keep writing
posts with us, and welcoming and
comforting new members .....Lou

 

This like my situation except that I lost my husband and have different physical issues. I have a 17 year old son, who is wonderful, but I have almost no support from others. I am not doing well handling every day things, so I can't give advice. I can just tell you that I understand the pain you are feeling, as well as the shock and numbness.

 

It's very important to take care of yourself so you can be there for your children. Many spouses do not take care of themselves and join their departed spouse too soon which isn't okay when you have young kids. So, treat yourself gently, take warm scented baths, eat nourishing food and rest whenever you get a chance, which isn't a lot with young kids. Remember your husband is still your husband, although he isn't here anymore.. He still loves you and you will see him again one day a long time from now in heaven.