and another loss...

Discussion in 'Loss of Sibling' started by ainie, Jul 12, 2020.

  1. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    My dear sweet sister-in-law died yesterday evening. She was truly an earth angel. In all the many years she was part of my family never once was she anything but smart, and sweet, and generous, and kind. She and Mike were diagnosed with cancer the same year and became close as they understood each others journey so well. They both had an outrageous sense of humour and would joke about death in ways only they could get away with. Heaven will never be the same now that they are together up there!

    I am so thinking of my baby brother and my nieces as I know too well they journey they are now on. She was only 51 and my nieces are young, two still in high school and two just graduated university. The girls were not allowed to be with her because of Covid rules. My brother was told he could not stay with her either but he just looked at the nurse and said "No. That is wrong. I am staying with her" No one at the hospital said another word and he did stay until the end.

    This year is almost more than I can take.
  2. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    What have I done wrong? No one cares how I hurt.
  3. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    You’ve certainly had a rough go this year. My heart breaks for you. So many losses, too much to bare.
    I love that your brother stood to the hospital and stayed by her side. They needed each other and he did what his heart told him to do.
    You have such a wonderful family from what I can tell through your writing. And everything feels so broken now. You certainly do know your brothers journey and their children’s journey. I’m thinking possibly you live close to your brother, so you can help each other. Words can’t express how I’m feeling for you all right now. I’m sorry I didn’t see this earlier.
    I’m praying for you and your family. God Bless!
  4. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    Thank you Robin. This second loss seems to be too much. I thought I was doing ok. taking care of things and being "strong" whatever that is. Now I feel so utterly alone. Yes my brother lives close, only a 15 minute drive away. He has been calling on me for support and I have willingly given it. My daughter is literally my next door neighbour, they built on part of our land that her Dad gave them. So yes I have wonderful family close by. BUT...somewhere in the past I was deemed to be the strong one in the family. Through the deaths of Mom, Dad, and two other brothers it was I who pulled everyone together. My daughter has had a very, very hard time with her Dad's death and was seriously depressed for months this winter. Anyway I guess what I'm trying to say is WHO DO I GET TO LEAN ON! It feels so selfish and wrong to say that but my strength is spent, gone.
  5. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I seriously feel for you, too many things being thrown your way. I’ve had a couple losses since Ron passed, they were not as close to me as you losing your sister in law. One was my cousins son, that I hadn’t met but it upset me terribly, and a few weeks back Ron’s aunt passed away, I knew her well and she was a part of our life, and I felt a huge loss, but I didn’t have the closeness you had with your sister in law. I can feel your pain, I’m glad your daughter is is right there next door, for each other. I have an understanding of her depression, my daughter lives 15 minutes away, we support each other constantly. And she’s had a very difficult time also losing her Dad
    You are NOT selfish, you’re caring for everyone else and putting you low on the list. That’s not good. You’re as important as every person you’re helping and supporting. I wish I could give you a much needed hug. Of course support your brother, and daughter, but it might be time to let them see your vulnerability.
  6. Zestylady

    Zestylady Member

    Feeling very connected with you guys as I struggle with multiple losses in my life. Lost my big brother...my rock and anchor in Oct 2019. Lost my husband of 30 years in Feb 2020. Losing my other brother to cancer and my mom to dementia. My M.O. is to be the strong, resilient one. I am sick of this role and too tired to keep it up. I appreciate your shares.
    ainie likes this.
  7. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    So sorry for your losses. Yes it is hard to be 'the strong one". Seems most families designate someone or we happen into the role. Then when life hands us grief and we are needy it is almost as if no one can believe how we are hurting. This is one time when we get to act in our own best interest. We may feel selfish but it is like on an airplane...put your own mask on first, you can't assist anyone else if you are not in good condition. So by caring for ourselves we are better for those who count on us. Hugs
  8. Zestylady

    Zestylady Member

    Thanks Ainie! Nice to connect with people who get it!
    ainie likes this.
  9. Arbutus

    Arbutus New Member


    I too understand where you’re coming from. I don’t know who decides you’re the strong one. It is so tough being in that position and often times not fair. I’m currently shaking while writing this because i feel so tapped out as well and am definitely looking for help.

    In the past two years my dads passed away, my partners mom passed away and now his dad had cancer for the second time and it is not looking good. I’m always the one asked to help because the rest of my partners family is not close to the parents.

    I know we can get through this but right now it just seems like bad news after bad news and grief after grief.

    I’ve been seeing a councillor and have been practising as much self care as possible. I’ve also reached out to a naturopath and I’m trying some remedies as well.

    goodluck and I hope there’s light at the end of the tunnel there has to be!
    ainie likes this.
  10. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    Hello. So sorry for your losses. A few months have passed and things are somewhat better. Sounds like you are doing good things for yourself with the councillor and other self care. My councillor suggested that maybe "being the strong one" is something we choose ourselves and asked me to try being vulnerable. I figured at this point I had to try anything as I was feeling so desperate and alone at the time. So I did. I cried in front of people, I asked my daughter to come over one evening a week and told her it was because I couldn't stand being alone every evening. It's a mixed bag....I don't feel as "proud" of myself as I used to but I do feel more supported. People actually call to ask if I'm doing ok. Every family and situation is so different but since it helped I thought I'd just tell you my experience. HUGS. Keep taking care of yourself.
    Arbutus likes this.
  11. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Ainie, Please try to still feel proud of yourself. You stepped out of your norm. You pushed and did what is not a comfortable place for you. I’m happy your family is offering mire support.
    Just a couple weeks ago I had things going awry and needed help. It’s hard for me too. I had to call my brother and he came right over. Then offered to take my daughter and I to get Christmas trees if we wanted them. We just need to ask and there is support I’m learning. We went with them and while out I admitted it feels like it’s me fighting against the world. They told me is doesn’t have to be that way. Tears were flowing. I’m being weak but they’re reacting right. Told my other sister in law the same thing and she reacted with love too. What’s wrong with me, I’m crying as I write this. AnywY she said we don’t know what you need if you don’t tell us. Please tell us. Come over any time. And I thought I was going to be alone for Christmas with my daughter. They told me they’d like to join us. ❤️ We need to try and put ourselves Ed out there so we can get the support we need.
    Still leArning but trying.
  12. CrackofDawn

    CrackofDawn Member

    My brother that lived closest to my sister was able to gown up and glove up and go and hold my sisters hand. I wish I could have been there, but a caretaker to our mom.