After caring for my Dear friend, her Family treats me like I’m a nobody.

They have totally went from liking me, to treating me like I’m nothing. I worked so hard caring for their mom so that they could sleep better at night, have a piece of mind while I was there. I had to stop working full time to be with her 24/7 while asking for nothing in return. One day it’s fine, then the next, she is gone and nobody has even asked once, “how are you doing?” I’m behind on all my bills (because of not working), I am traumatized over this whole ordeal.
I want to write a letter to both daughters about how I am feeling. They should know that I’m not ok, and from the way they are treating me, not knowing what I’ve done for them to act the way they have is causing me to slip into major depression. What do I say? I don’t want to sound like a baby, I don’t want to sound mean or like a nag. Their mama was my only family here in Alabama, she was the only person I had to go to when my ex was beating on me, she never judged but always talked with me and helped me through.
The daughters know all of this and why I asked to care for their mama when the need came to happen. What do I say to express how I feel? Please help.

 

I can relate well to your situation. I was the sole caregiver for my wife throughout her final year of life suffering from terminal cancer, and like your situation, I had little to no help from her family. As long as I was there, they were content to just observe. As her caregiver, I was devoted to her and gave it everything I had in providing her care. I realize looking back that it was the most rewarding and important year of my life. I hope you feel a strong sense of pride in yourself for having given your friend everything you had in providing her care. You don't need the approval of your friend's ungrateful daughters. You did not do what you did to gain their approval. You did what you did out of your love for your friend. It's that obvious and that simple.

I don't know enough of your situation with the daughters, with your ex, and with others to give you advice, but I can tell you what I did in my situation. I realized that the only thing keeping her family and me together had been our mutual relationship with my wife. We had never really established any independent relationship between us. There was not any animosity between us, but there was also not any natural bond between us. There was just no basis for attempting to patch together some strained, awkward relationship which would have no viable future without my wife as our foundation. So, what I did was to write letters to all parties involved explaining what I have just outlined to you. The letters were understood and well-received and we parted company on very good terms with all of us in agreement. Fate had placed us in this untenable situation, and whether regrettable or not, we all recognized it. It has turned out to be the right course of action over the years.

These are all delicate matters that involve raw emotions at a time like this. I hate to see you carrying this burden that is causing you to slip into depression. I hope you can think this through and come to a satisfactory solution.

 

Dear Sunshine,
It is with one’s greatest gift of all ….LOVE…. in being a caregiver.
I reread your posting several times. I believe your Dear friend was a real Blessing to you, as you were to her, and that she wouldn’t want you to bare all the pain you’re enduring in the situation you’ve expressed. God understands all things, it is my Faith in God that has carried me through many life trials, I always know I can go to HIM in prayer. I’m praying for God to give you Peace within your heart. Please take care of YOU, your special friend would want this of you.
Blessings, Patti

 

Sadly, what you are going through is now considered the norm rather than the exception. I belong to several different Grief groups and 95% of the people on them say that relatives and friends deserted them early on when they needed help. It is really shocking, but that is the state of our culture now. In my case, I took care of my husband of 38 years who had Alzheimer's all by myself for 6 years. Not one member of his family offered to help, and they all went silent on us. His daughter, who is 55 yrs old and hasn't worked a day in her life, kept making excuses as to why she would not come and help. All friends dropped away after the diagnosis. This is not rare. Like I said, it is now the norm. I have come to accept all this, and to forgive these people. I wrote a single letter that I sent to all of them after my husband passed telling them how I felt about their behavior towards us. I did not expect a response, but a nephew and niece contacted me and stepped up to the plate to help me get things done after my husband's transition. They have been wonderful and caring. It has shown me that there are still good people and they will appear when called upon. As to the rest, may God forgive them. If you write a letter to the sisters be prepared to handle either a positive or negative response. Or they may go silent, which is also very hard to take. It is always best to speak from your heart, to tell your Truth. You deserve to understand what is going on, and you deserve support. The sisters may come through for you, or they may not, but at least you expressed what's in your heart and you can then move ahead knowing you have taken care of yourself. Blessings to you.

 

Do not let depression overtake you. Write a letter as several others have expressed so clearly and beautifully. Just write it from your heart and then let all of it go, so you can find some peace.
You did a very unselfish thing and should feel good about this beautiful thing you did for someone else without regard for your own welfare. This is such a rare quality any more and we are much better off because of people like you.
Chris