Accepting that I've lost my dad...

I lost my father this February... I left college 6 years ago to be his joint caregiver with my mom. He had a major stroke and could no longer understand or use speech. He wasn't himself any more and behaved completely differently. Looking back I lost him back then, but I could never grieve because he was still here. I put up lots of mental and emotional blocks and never dealt with it, but just got through the days and was quietly depressed.

Now he's gone. His death was very sudden and traumatic. It was the middle of the night. It would have been his 69th birthday and he died while I was trying to give him CPR.
I'm trying to slowly feel emotions again and to make sense of so many complex thoughts. I'm slowly regaining memories of who he was before the stroke. I can't let myself think of his death or of losing that person he's been these past few years.

I wish anyone would mention him or ask how I am. The only mention they make of the situation is to continually ask me how my mom is doing. She is doing really great these past few months, so I feel extra annoyed that they keep asking me that. I feel like everyone is acting like I should be ok by now.

I don't know how to move forward now. Maybe another reason I've been unable to grieve these past few years is I can't picture a happy future where he's not here. I keep imaging my wedding one day. I never used to care about being walked down the aisle, but now I keep dwelling on it and that he won't be there. I feel on edge all the time and have trouble making myself sleep.


Can anyone relate to these thoughts?

 

JudyDrew how are you? I think you pretty much said it. Familiar is lack of sleep, depressed, anxious/edge, fast thinking. complex thoughts. Gutsy on the CPR. Yes, on your Dad's personality change. Better I think to remember how he was prior to all this. So much to process. My wife's sister is at the beginning of her husband and dementia. One key for her is getting an evaluation and he is too angry to do it. Their Dad had a brain tumor and so much different a person as that progressed.

Judy this will take a while for you. Personally I am backing off stimulants like tobacco and especially coffee. Sleep is hard to come by. If I can get back to good long walks per week and a mild yoga is really good. Supportive friends to talk to. Sort of like physics and two things can't occupy the same space. A good conversation is better than that internal self-talk we will do. These are a few. Sorry for your loss and wish you the best in our process.

Chat if you feel like it.

Best to you.

Paul M.