Accepting death - stuck in denial

Rose, thank you so much for responding to
me. It means a lot. I can't imagine what I'd
do without my friends , like you, on GIC.
When Linda died, the song, You've Got a
Friend, sung by James Taylor, was played
at her small funeral. We all cried. Another
song that gets me, is Ain't No Sunshine,
by the late Bill Withers. I'm glad you have
summer temps, but I understand your
daily pain of wishing C were here to
enjoy these days with you. I try not to
feel guilty when I'm enjoying walking
by the ocean on a sunny day. For me,
walking & seeing friends, lifts my
spirits. But, I never say, "I'm fine", bc my
life was changed forever the day Linda
died. But, I try to be grateful,to God every
day,for being alive. Lou

 

Lou, I hope you are having peaceful days, here has been raining for four days, I have not been able to go outside, when the weather is like this also my spirit feels with so much sadness and my tears returns not having energy to do anything, this loneliness is unbearable, no one to talk or even read TGW threads, I thought yesterday pay attention of how I feel, meditate, draw something, but I just cry and cry, I can't even continue writing....this ups and downs, now I feel angry with Geoff...he is not here but I'm not OK. I hope you don't mind, I need someone to listen. Helena

 

Helena, I'm always here for you, as are
other GW.I'm so sorry you have awful
weather & can't go outside. That would
drive me bonkers. We're finally having
milder days, in the high 50s & 60s. We
don't really have summer days ( my
favorite season),until after Memorial
Day. I went through the anger phase of
asking why Linda left me so alone in my
misery. I've been feeling sorry for myself
lately, and feel old. I cut my leg, right to
the bone, getting on a bus 2 weeks ago.
It still hurts, so I take Tylenol. My NP
gave me a Tetanus shot, and an
antibiotic. She will monitor me , to see if
I improve. This sucks. It was unexpected,
sudden, and I have to live with it for a
while..........Lou

 

Ohh, so sorry you have a bigger problem than me and I'm complaining of my loneliness....this SUCKS BIG TIME! are you at home.. its anybody taking care of you, the cut sounds that it is very deep, we are getting old and alone we are prone to more unexpected accidents I'm afraid here at home to go upstairs or do anything that can cause me to fall down or even cutting myselsef when I cook something to eat, the dog and cat can't do anything and my neighbors are not too close by. You are in my thoughts and sending my best wishes for a prompt recovery. Looks that you're in good medical attention better than here in the South.... Sending you love, peace and virtual hugs. Helena.

 

Thank you so much, Helena. Deb told us
that the medical care in S.C. is not as good
as in Ma. We have many fine hospitals in
Boston. Although I live north of Boston,
on the shore. I have a.branch of one of
those places, so I don't have to travel to
the city. I'm starting to go to a rehab
clinic. The PTs are very kind, and will
help me with balance issues.I take
medications , which make me feel
drowsy &unsteady on my feet ,if I
stand too long.But when I walk outside,
& see people, it gives me a lift. Don t be
sorry about "complaining" about your
loneliness. I wish you had more people
who were physically near you, but
remember that you always have us on
GIC. I've been discouraged lately. I live
alone in an apartment, but it's one level.
When I was home with COVID, after
being discharged from a hospital, a VNA
nurse & PT came to my place, to make
sure it was fall proof,with bars in the
bathtub. I use the same shower bench that
Linda used. I feel she's watching over me.
I keep seeing her birth date when I look
at my watch. As Tom Zuba writes, I pay
attention to a sign like that, and it makes
me smile. Lou

 

Your feelings are very understandable. You have suffered a great loss, but your mind and heart don't want to accept that this could be possible. We lost our 28 year old son to suicide a number of years ago and I had days when I thought, "This can't have happened to me. It is too horrible to have really happened." Saturdays were very bad for me and I didn't realize why until much later. Saturday was the day I found him. SoCme thing can make one day worse than another and we can't hardly figure out why. This person we loved so much is connected to hundreds of things in our lives and it takes awhile before our heart will accept that they are gone. I said I felt like I lost a hundred people and the counselor said that was because Shawn played that many roles in my life. I am sorry for the very difficult situation you are finding yourself in. Cry out. to God, tell Him your true feelings and ask Him to help you and He will. He helped pull me through and Jesus is the only thing that saved me from suicide. He rescued me. Let us hear from you again. We care and understand how difficult this is.
Chris

 

I also in 25 months since my loss., definitely feel like going backwards,having to sell our home of 40+ years is really tearing me apart,we were in the process of getting ready to size down.The financial pressure is horrible,no life insurance,still haven't had proper good by,COVID was in full force & I don't have the money to do that untill I sell.I keep going to a dark place,been seeking help for 2 years,it's all about the meds with anyone I've spoken to & there has been many the last 28 months.Just need to feel understood,sons 45 & 50 years old don't get along.My life is a termoil that I don't want to deal with.Getting worse.This journey is not one I feel I can bear.

 

My dear Poopie, I'm so sorry to hear about
the death of your husband & soulmate,
who you thought would grow old with
you. I'm also sorry that your so called
adult sons don't get along with each other,
and are of little support, if any, for you.
My wife , Linda, died suddenly ,in front
of me while doing physical therapy for
her cancer. She was 68. We were married
25 years, no children. I used Van Gogh as
my user name, but my name is Lou. May
I ask your first name , and your husband's?
As I've said before on Grief in Common
( GIC), I believe it helps to honor our
soulmates,by saying their names, and
sharing that with others. You've come to
the right place. My wife, Linda, died over
4 years ago, but I joined GIC in July of
2021, and I'm glad I did. Please try to stay
with us. There are kind, nonjudgemental
widows and widowers here, from all
over the U.S., and a widow in Italy, and
one in the U.K. I noticed you live in Ma.,
like I do. Do you live near the ocean? I
live on the northern coast. Welcome. Lou

 

I am so sorry for you loss and can understand how it can seems like you going backwards sometimes. I hope you can find a counselor that doesn't focus on the meds. You can definitely talk about anything here without judgement. Having no support definitely can put you in a bad head space but I pray that it turns around cause we support you. I know the move is probably hard. I hope the money from it helps you though. Im sorry your children don't get along but I hope that they can at least come separately to help you do things. We understand you here! Praying for your strength with each passing day.

 

My so called adult sons have reason to feel the way they do towards each other,I was bothered by that comment,they have been supportive in there own heartful ways., I choose not to go into detail. My reason for trying this group was for some support on how people dealt with there grief & managed to start moving forward.Poopie was a nickname my husband gave me many many years ago,now seeing this on line looks weird. I will go by Nan .I pray for all the souls who have lost Loved ones. Thank you sweetcole for your post. I choose not to tell my location,as in the past another site was filled with men looking for lonely, women who possibly came into money.Sorry needless to write I'm very uneasy about sites.The site I was on took a few days to check if one could join.,& Still had a hack was supposed to be for women only.,I hope my uneasy feeling are understood.Love light & prayers to all.

 

Nan, thank you for saying your first name.
You are safe on Grief in Common ( GIC),
bc we use only our first names, and
disclose only the states, or countries, in
which we live, not specific cities. I'm very
sorry my comment about your sons
bothered you. I misunderstood, and
thought they were unsupportive, which
would be wrong in your hour of need. I'm
glad you decided to stay on this kind
site. Nicole ( "Sweetcole") , other widows,
and my younger "brothers"here, Gary,
George, and Chad, have comforted me
and I have comforted them, in our
grief journey. Lou

 

Hello Nan

Perhaps you dont know me as I haven't being posting any comments, quotes, poetry or my pen and ink drawings since November.

I totally understand about other sites looking for wealthy widows, pretending to be supportive. I can assure you, GIC literally save my life last year in my early grieving months!!. The widows and widowers became my friends that I have never met, people who understand what all of us are going in this long journey, BUT at some point also we have to keep moving forward by ourselves...otherwise our grief will never end...we also have to think we still here in this beautiful world and sometimes it's nice to take a break, use our minds, be with nature, have a pet, read, be curious. Our loved ones there will always be with us.

Helena

 

Helena, as I told other Grief Warriors,
especially George , who does Wed Art
Therapy, I was worried about you, bc
you disappeared. The one thing I don't
like about GIC, is that we have no way
of knowing, unless a person adds a
"LIKE" to a post, if the person left GIC,
was sick, or , God forbid, dead. I was
worried about Patti, too, until she
put "LIKE" to a recent post. Thank you
for reaching out to Nan. Since you last
posted, we've welcomed & comforted,
Deborah A., Janiceanne ( from your
state), most recently, Joe, & others.
Welcome back , Helena, to, I hope, a
better new year for all of us. Lou