Samantha,
I'm so very sorry your husband Nick, passed away. I HATE!!! saying this!!!, TUTTAM!!! (Total Understatement To The Absolute Max), because words seem so shallow at times, now being one of them. My husband, Bob, my "person...," died April 11, 2021, at 3:45 a.m. I "get" how you're feeling..., and wish so much you didn't have to find us, but so very glad you did. It SUCKS!!!
My GIC friends have helped me stay glued together, have given me so many virtual hugs, been here to "listen," when I need to scream..., cry..., vent..., and have given me so much valuable advice... I've learned so much from each one of my GIC friends..., I don't know how I would have made it this far into this miserable journey (for lack of a better word), that not one of us would have chosen to take, if I didn't have my GIC "family," to help pick me up, brush me off, get me moving again, as I continue to stumble and fall, along this twisted path, filled with detours, rocks and tree limbs... It SUCKS!!!
There's so much I want to tell you, but very briefly (for now), Bob was sick for many years prior to his death. He suffered a major heart on February 3, 2009, prior to this, he was diagnosed with diabetes in 2005, was incorrectly diagnosed in 2015, with a minor ailment, and finally, right before Thanksgiving, in 2016, was correctly diagnosed as having kidney cancer, by this time it had spread to his vena cava and into his lungs, requiring a 7.5 hour operation (he almost died on the operating table), and around the beginning of the last year of his life, he was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease (but he suffered from symptoms many years prior to the official diagnosis). He also had high blood pressure, high cholesterol, partial paralysis of one of his arms, loss of hearing in one ear... By the time of his death, he had a specialist for just about every body part.
In spite of all of this, Bob valued life. He was grateful for every second he got to spend on this earth. No matter how much pain he was in, no matter how much he was suffering, he found something to be grateful for each and every day. One of his favorite sayings was, "As long as I'm on the right side of the dirt, it's a good day." I think about this often, and in the very beginning of this miserable journey, and even now, Bob is my motivation for wanting to live, to find some sort of happiness again, although I know it will always be laced with sadness, happy mixed with sad, as Robin, a GIC friend refers to it, to find a new purpose in life, contentment, peace...
The timeline for healing is different for each one of us. However, as long as we continue to do all the hard work grieving forces us to do, I believe with all my heart, we will continue to heal... We will continue to heal, right up until the very moment we are reunited with the one true love of our lives, you with Nick, me with Bob..., All of our GIC "family," reunited with their loved ones too...
At the very worst moments, please try to remember, you are healing!!! By coming here, sharing your experiences with us, by confronting grief, you are doing all the hard work grieving forces us to do. There is NO!!! escaping this total heartbreak. Grief is always with us, lurking in the shadows, ready to strike, taking us by surprise so many times. Everything and everything can be a trigger for grief. It SUCKS!!!
I want to end this on a much more positive note. At around the tenth month anniversary of Bob's death, but mostly once the one year death anniversary rolled around, I began to feel slightly better. Some of my creativity returned, I began decorating this house, that didn't feel like a home, but is now finally beginning to feel this way, I began to get out more, have been spending more time with others, and with a very good friend, who became a widow before me, who lives several streets away from me. (I don't believe in coincidences, I believe we were meant to meet to help each other through the most difficult time in our lives, just as I believe all of our GIC "family" was meant to meet.)
I have trouble explaining how I got to the point where I began feeling these "flickers of light," as Karen, another one of my GIC friends refers to them, but it's a wonderful feeling to be able to do something simple, like buying fresh fruit and vegetables, and feel for a short while, like everything is right in the world, to feel a sense of peace... These "flickers of light" are fleeting, but are so wonderful while they last. Lou, who you've already met, and Robin, are several of my GIC friends who experienced these "flickers of light" before I did. Robin wrote a message, wish I could find, and share with you here, describing what those "flickers of light" feel like for her. She said it best..., I feel the same way, but could never describe it half as well as she did.
Stopping here (for now). It's a beautiful sunny day... I need to get some fresh air, spend time enjoying some of God's magnificent creations... birds, butterflies, old oak trees, wrapped in Spanish moss, flowers, crepe myrtles,... etc., etc., etc. Being outside, getting some fresh air, and some exercise, is one of the best ways I know how to keep Mr. Grief (as Karen, a GIC friend first referred to grief) from sucking all the life right out of me. I want to stop at a dog park today. I'm totally and madly in love with dogs... They always have a way of making me smile... I NEED!! my daily dog fix.
Once again, I'm so sorry you had to find us, but so glad you did. I'm glad that you're "sticking" around, getting to "know" us, and giving us the chance to get to "know" you. Welcome to our GIC "family."
Sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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