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Accepting death - stuck in denial

Discussion in 'Finding it Difficult to Move Foward' started by NaSam, Apr 26, 2022.

  1. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    Aww! We both have young children. I read your post about people trying to get you to date again. I've had so many to ask me about that too. That is the last thing on my mind and they don't seem to understand that. My focus is on my kids and navigating through this knew life I've been dealt. I think if I didn't have the kids I probably wouldn't do much but I keep going for them. We'll continue to get through though. Im glad you're here and hope to continue to talk with you.
     
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  2. NaSam

    NaSam Member

    If it weren't for my children, I can't say that I would still be here. I think that other believe if that if we date that it will take our minds off our loss, but they don't understand that we will never truly get over the loss of our soulmate. I hope that all is going well for you and your sweet babies. Continuous prayers always.
     
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  3. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    I agree! I think people that don't understand what we're going through think that dating will make it all better. It may help some.but im not ready for that. We will continue to pray for each other. Are your kids ready to get out for the summer? My son has been counting down. I'll try to.do.some things with them to.keep them busy this summer. I no he's ready to get in some water. Do y'all have any plans?
     
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  4. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Wow, Sam! Just woke up before 6am, and
    your post is the first one I read. Your
    kind words are so moving and profound,
    that I feel like you've been with us on
    GIC for a long time. I am so glad that our
    posts have given you the strength to come
    out of the shadows to participate with TGW. Like you, I don't believe in coincidences. My belief in God became
    stronger and gave me hope, after the
    death of Linda. I'm blessed to live near
    the ocean. and I look at the changing
    tides every day. I also. feel that grief comes
    in waves, like the sea. As I've said on here
    previously, I sometimes sit on the same
    bench Linda & I sat on, and feel her
    presence and that of God. I would like to
    think that both Linda and Nick are smiling
    down on us and out proud of us for helping
    other people, as they would have done. L
    Sam, I have found that age doesn't matter
    when it comes to having friends, both on
    & off GIC. The trick is to have a sense of
    humor , which you have, as well as the
    other GW. I started going to the local
    American Legion Post every Sat morning
    for their open house coffee. It was 4 months after Linda died & I was depressed
    & lonely. I walked in nervously that first
    time, and went over to the oldest veteran,
    a Korean War vet, and told him quietly that
    I wasn't a veteran. He told me to sit down
    next to him , and have ☕. He's 92, but we
    have a lot in common. His wife had died
    not too long ago. His way of dealing with
    his sadness and loneliness, was to get
    out every day, and talk with other people.
    On Sat mornings, it's the Legion. Other
    days, he meets with friends at one of our
    local coffee shops. I see that you have
    young children. I hope you will hear from
    other mothers with children, along with
    Nicole ( "Sweetcole"). Some of our members have to step away from GIC from
    time to time, like Deb, in South Carolina,
    and Debra, in California. I'm one of those
    people who feel the need to be on here
    every day. I know that Georgia is a much
    bigger state than my state of Massachusetts
    but do you live anywhere near the ocean?
    I laughed when you said you were proud of me "for doing so well with technology"
    at 72! The fact is that Linda was in the
    high tech field, and taught me how to get
    on the Internet when we used the librarycomputers. After she died, I bought an
    Android Smart Phone, and use it for
    everything. When I have a question, I go to
    my friend, who owns a small phone &
    laptop store, along with a friend, 70.
    The owner is only 29, but his mother died
    when he was only 12, so he seems much
    older. He teases my friend & me that when
    we have our coffee in his store, that it isn't
    the "Senior Center",and we all laugh. Lou
     
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  5. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Samantha,

    I'm so very sorry your husband Nick, passed away. I HATE!!! saying this!!!, TUTTAM!!! (Total Understatement To The Absolute Max), because words seem so shallow at times, now being one of them. My husband, Bob, my "person...," died April 11, 2021, at 3:45 a.m. I "get" how you're feeling..., and wish so much you didn't have to find us, but so very glad you did. It SUCKS!!!

    My GIC friends have helped me stay glued together, have given me so many virtual hugs, been here to "listen," when I need to scream..., cry..., vent..., and have given me so much valuable advice... I've learned so much from each one of my GIC friends..., I don't know how I would have made it this far into this miserable journey (for lack of a better word), that not one of us would have chosen to take, if I didn't have my GIC "family," to help pick me up, brush me off, get me moving again, as I continue to stumble and fall, along this twisted path, filled with detours, rocks and tree limbs... It SUCKS!!!

    There's so much I want to tell you, but very briefly (for now), Bob was sick for many years prior to his death. He suffered a major heart on February 3, 2009, prior to this, he was diagnosed with diabetes in 2005, was incorrectly diagnosed in 2015, with a minor ailment, and finally, right before Thanksgiving, in 2016, was correctly diagnosed as having kidney cancer, by this time it had spread to his vena cava and into his lungs, requiring a 7.5 hour operation (he almost died on the operating table), and around the beginning of the last year of his life, he was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease (but he suffered from symptoms many years prior to the official diagnosis). He also had high blood pressure, high cholesterol, partial paralysis of one of his arms, loss of hearing in one ear... By the time of his death, he had a specialist for just about every body part.

    In spite of all of this, Bob valued life. He was grateful for every second he got to spend on this earth. No matter how much pain he was in, no matter how much he was suffering, he found something to be grateful for each and every day. One of his favorite sayings was, "As long as I'm on the right side of the dirt, it's a good day." I think about this often, and in the very beginning of this miserable journey, and even now, Bob is my motivation for wanting to live, to find some sort of happiness again, although I know it will always be laced with sadness, happy mixed with sad, as Robin, a GIC friend refers to it, to find a new purpose in life, contentment, peace...

    The timeline for healing is different for each one of us. However, as long as we continue to do all the hard work grieving forces us to do, I believe with all my heart, we will continue to heal... We will continue to heal, right up until the very moment we are reunited with the one true love of our lives, you with Nick, me with Bob..., All of our GIC "family," reunited with their loved ones too...

    At the very worst moments, please try to remember, you are healing!!! By coming here, sharing your experiences with us, by confronting grief, you are doing all the hard work grieving forces us to do. There is NO!!! escaping this total heartbreak. Grief is always with us, lurking in the shadows, ready to strike, taking us by surprise so many times. Everything and everything can be a trigger for grief. It SUCKS!!!

    I want to end this on a much more positive note. At around the tenth month anniversary of Bob's death, but mostly once the one year death anniversary rolled around, I began to feel slightly better. Some of my creativity returned, I began decorating this house, that didn't feel like a home, but is now finally beginning to feel this way, I began to get out more, have been spending more time with others, and with a very good friend, who became a widow before me, who lives several streets away from me. (I don't believe in coincidences, I believe we were meant to meet to help each other through the most difficult time in our lives, just as I believe all of our GIC "family" was meant to meet.)

    I have trouble explaining how I got to the point where I began feeling these "flickers of light," as Karen, another one of my GIC friends refers to them, but it's a wonderful feeling to be able to do something simple, like buying fresh fruit and vegetables, and feel for a short while, like everything is right in the world, to feel a sense of peace... These "flickers of light" are fleeting, but are so wonderful while they last. Lou, who you've already met, and Robin, are several of my GIC friends who experienced these "flickers of light" before I did. Robin wrote a message, wish I could find, and share with you here, describing what those "flickers of light" feel like for her. She said it best..., I feel the same way, but could never describe it half as well as she did.

    Stopping here (for now). It's a beautiful sunny day... I need to get some fresh air, spend time enjoying some of God's magnificent creations... birds, butterflies, old oak trees, wrapped in Spanish moss, flowers, crepe myrtles,... etc., etc., etc. Being outside, getting some fresh air, and some exercise, is one of the best ways I know how to keep Mr. Grief (as Karen, a GIC friend first referred to grief) from sucking all the life right out of me. I want to stop at a dog park today. I'm totally and madly in love with dogs... They always have a way of making me smile... I NEED!! my daily dog fix.

    Once again, I'm so sorry you had to find us, but so glad you did. I'm glad that you're "sticking" around, getting to "know" us, and giving us the chance to get to "know" you. Welcome to our GIC "family."

    Sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
     
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  6. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Deb, I really hope Samantha ( "NaSam")
    reads your "book" ( !! ) & replies to you
    soon. Once again, you are so generous &
    kind in welcoming a new member to
    the GIC "family". Also, " once again with
    feeling", as Linda was fond of saying,
    you gave credit to Karen, Robin , me, &
    other GW. All of. you greeted me warmly
    in my hour of need, and I just returned
    the love. Lou
     
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  7. NaSam

    NaSam Member

     
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  8. NaSam

    NaSam Member

    Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me. I am so sorry for you loss. Please don't being short. I am struggling. With no words to explain the emotions of s. I'll be back, I promise. I feel you all understand what I am feeling more than anyon e I know. Thanks for welcoming me with open arms. In the words of Nick "Keep hop alive" I love you Nick with all my heart and soul. Looking forward to the day we ae reunited. PLease keep me in your prayers as I EACH OF YOU.A
     
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  9. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Samantha, just reread Deb's long post to
    you and I'm so happy that you were able
    to respond to her this morning, in spite of
    your deep pain, and struggle to find words.
    If you don't feel like "talking", you can
    always just put "LIKE" to posts, like you did before, so we know you're still " listening"
    and haven't left GIC. If you do want to
    "talk" , don't worry about typos----just let
    your emotions flow. I'm doing better, now
    that spring is finally here , after a long,
    cold, & gray winter. The sun is shining,
    and the temps are in the 50s, which is
    still cool, but better than it was. I hope
    your weather in Georgia is good right now,
    so you can take your children outside .
    It was great to hear from you this am.
    I know that grief is like the ocean waves,
    changing all the time. We have to keep
    trying to swim parallel to the shore, to
    keep from drowning--- in our sorrow. Lou
     
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  10. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Samantha,

    I'm very sorry Mr. Grief is holding on to you so very tightly..., I sincerely wish there was something I could do to make you feel even the slightest bit better, but all I can do is to let you know that I "get," it, and will be here for you, as will all of our GIC "family, to help you through the very darkest days of your life.

    Please!!! don't feel like you ever have to respond to me!!!, especially when Mr. Grief is doing his very best to try to suffocate you. Take whatever little energy you have remaining, to take care of yourself, the very best you possibly can. Nick would want this for you.

    I believe with all my heart, Nick and Bob are always here with us, watching over us... I think the very best way we can honor them is by living the very best life we possibly can, finding beauty and joy in the world again... I know this would make them so very proud..., so very happy... Although I'm positive this doesn't seem possible to you right at this moment (I know I didn't believe it either when I first found this very wonderful site), there ARE!!! better days ahead...

    Like you, especially in the beginning of this miserable journey, but even now, I find it much more difficult to express myself in writing. I used to love to write, my fingers couldn't keep up with all the thoughts racing through my mind. It's one of those really unfortunate things that happens to so many of us after experiencing the most horrific events in our lives, we lose the ability (temporarily) to not only do, but also to, enjoy doing all the things we used to love doing.

    I used to love to read, but up until very recently, I wasn't able to remember anything from one page to another, my concentration was shot. The only books I was able to read were books on grieving. I bought lots of them, but ended up donating most of them. They were totally useless, the authors seemed to be in some sort of a dreamland where life would be all sugarplums and sunshine again. Total BULLSHIT!!!, TUTTAM!!! That is, until Lou, one of my GIC friends who you have already met, recommended several excellent books to TGW. (The Grief Warriors, a name Lou came up with to describe our group. It is so perfect!!! It is now the way we refer to ourselves.)

    The names of these books are "Permission To Mourn," by Tom Zuba, and "A Widower's Notebook," by Jonathan Santlofer. While l can relate to both, my very favorite is "Permission to Mourn." Tom Zuba's 18 month old daughter died, followed by his wife, followed by one of his sons. Through all of this unimaginable heartbreak, he found not only a way to survive, but to find contentment, happiness, and peace again. It is a very short, easy to read book. I keep my copy on the nightstand by my bed and refer back to it often.

    Jonathan Santlofer's wife died. His book," A Widower's Notebook, reads more like a biography of his life with Joy, his wife, and how he managed to survive, and eventually find happiness again, after her death. Lou recommended to all of us, not to read this book before bed. It is very sad!!! I agree with Lou. If you decide to read it, don't read it too close to bedtime!!!

    After I read "Permission To Mourn," I bought Tom Zuba's second book, "Becoming Radiant." This is also an excellent book. I highly recommend it. I sent a copy of "Permission To Mourn" to a neighbor, his wife passed away suddenly. I gave a copy of "Becoming Radiant," to a friend, who is also a widow, on the second anniversary of her husband's death. (I had already lent her my copy of "Permission to Mourn.") Both my neighbor and my friend found these books to be very helpful. My friend told me she cried nonstop while reading "Permission To Mourn." I have a habit of not reading messages in the order in which they're posted, so I'm not sure if Lou, or someone else, has already recommended these to you, so thought I would tell you about them, just in case you haven't heard of them. BTW, Tom Zuba has some videos you can watch on You Tube.

    Please don't think you need to follow any of the advice any of us gives you. This is a judgement free zone. I will be here for you, all of us will be here for you, no matter what you do. So take it or leave it, we won't be offended!!! You need to do whatever works best for you!!!, TUTTAM!!!

    Stopping here, sadly I'm a HUGE!!! procrastinator. I have lots of things I want to accomplish today, and so far, haven't begun to make a dent in my increasingly growing to do list.

    Sending you zillions of hugs, lots of love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
     
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  11. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Deb, now that you did all the work of one
    of your famous "books" to comfort
    Samantha, I will be lazy & just say that I
    agree with every word you said. Lou
     
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  12. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

     
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  13. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Hi I'm new here and I want to say firstly how sorry I am for all your losses, my heart goes out to you all. It's been nearly 18 months for me now since by beautiful soulmate left us so suddenly and I've had exactly the same thoughts: perhaps he was joking, it wasn't really him lying there unconscious in front of me and my children, he will open the front door at any moment and with a big smile say: hey, what are you all crying about? I'm still here, it was all a big mistake.
    I feel better having found a place where I can share my sorrow with others who are in the same situation. It's so hard talking to friends or relatives who haven't lost a spouse or partner, they can't possibly understand, I know I shouldn't but I get irritated at what they say and just prefer not to talk about it at all, which makes me feel worse, as if I'm ignoring him. I'm feeling just like the title of this thread - stuck in denial - it's still not true for me.
     
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  14. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Lou,

    My "book" wouldn't have been half as long if you hadn't recommended those excellent books to TGW!!!, lol...

    Hope you have many reasons to LMSO today...

    As always, sending you hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
     
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  15. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Yes, Deb, I had reason to smile, at my
    local cafe. A man was singing great
    songs & playing guitar, accompanied
    by a female vocalist, with a beautiful
    voice, and an older man on drums.They
    had sheer joy playing together, and
    appreciated our applause. The musicians
    brought family with them. I noticed a
    white haired elderly man, sitting at the
    table, and he appeared to be the
    patriarch. Suddenly, he pulled out a
    harmonica & played at the table. It was
    at that moment that I saw his WWII
    veteran's hat on the table, & knew I
    couldn't let this moment go by. I put my
    hand on his shoulder & said. "YOU should
    be playing up on the stage!'.He beamed.
    Then, I pointed to his hat & thanked him
    for his service. He was pleased, but
    looked sad for a moment, too, and said,
    " not too many of us left". Turns out the
    man on the stage was his son, who asked
    him to come up to play his harp. He
    did, & the crowd burst into applause.
    I went up to him again, to tell him how
    great he was, & he gave me a big smile. L
     
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  16. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Lou,

    Thanks for the smiles... As I've already said so many times, but always feel the need to repeat, smiles are one thing I will NEVER!!!, TUTTAM!!!, take for granted again.

    What a beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing...

    Hope the rest of today/tonight brings you more reasons to smile...

    As always, sending you hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
     
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  17. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Deb. My emotions can be
    triggered unexpectedly. The son of the
    WWII veteran, came over to tell me his
    father's age. I realized he was about the
    same age as my father ( who I didn't get
    along with), who also served in WWII.
    I choked up & couldn't speak, and the
    son saw my embarrassment & turned
    away, which was a relief. He kissed his
    father on the top of his head, something I
    never would have done with mine. Lou
     
  18. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    I agree with Deb, such a beautiful story. My husband would have smiled reading this and would have been moved just like me. We have both always been music lovers, my heart breaks looking at his guitars and other musical instruments just sitting there, luckily my son also plays the guitar and the piano a little.
     
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  19. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Rose, Linda & I loved the movie, Under
    the Tuscan Sun, a romantic comedy,
    starring Diane Lane. Linda wanted us to
    try to rent a small cottage there, to see
    about relocating there. At the time, we were having a lot of stress every time we
    rented in different cities & towns. I'm
    finally settled in a small town, by the sea.
    Linda became ill when we moved here
    after we retired. Whenever I feel guilty
    that she's not here physically to join me,
    while I walk along the ocean, I have to
    remember the times that we sat on a
    bench , together, looking out to sea. I
    must say, Rose, that I'm confused about
    the story about your soulmate, Karen,
    which is a female name in the United
    States, yet you refer to your husband
    and children. I hope I don't embarrass
    you, by bringing this up. Lou
     
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  20. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Sorry, I think there's been a little misunderstanding here, I was referring to a member here with username 'cjpines' and she signed her post with the name Karen. I wanted to let her know that my husband passed away the same month and year as her husband. Perhaps my wording wasn't very accurate and caused a bit of a confusion. Apologies.
     
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