a year later and i dont think i can

LOL

 

Gary, maybe somebody should start some funny quotes?

 

Thanks, Gary! I will gladly take the role
of Frank Sinatra, even though my eyes
are brown. That doesn't matter, bc I often
quote his lyrics, from the sad, lonely
songs, like Cycles, and A Man Alone. But,
to kick my ass out the door in the morning,
I play My Way, and That's Life. I'll add
Chicago and New York, New York. We need
a role for Chad, perhaps the quieter Joey
Bishop. Thanks for the LMSO tonight,
"Sammy". "Frank"

 

Helena, Karen tried, but TGW were not in
the mood, so it fizzled out. Gary just
started, & I responded to him. I'm awaiting
our other brothers, George & Chad. Deb &
Karen often lead the fun brigade with
their funny comments. Lou

 

Dean Martin was kool!

 

First 90 degree is supposed to be today!

 

I live in subUrban dystopia! haven't been in the city in over ten years. My city is gone!
Now on to frogMuffins!

 

It will be a year for me on June 16th.
Ray and I were happily married 34 years.- I lost him to cancer. I was his happy caretaker for 2 years. We knew he would beat cancer. We enjoyed every minute together. We looked at it as well needed time together. But when his conditions got worse it was all I could do to make sure he was comfortable and he new I would never leave his side.
In the business of death i was fine. When I was back to work I thought I was fine.
It's almost a year....I am more lost than ever. He was where home was for me. It could have been a ditch or a castle as long as we were together we were home. We had raised our daughters whom were each happily married living their own lives. We both had great jobs that we were going to retire from in the next few years. Our dream home was coming together. We couldn't wait to be together at the end of every work day.
My life was amazing
Now....I am lost.
I have lost the person who made me the most happy.
I have lost financial security.
I have lost a reason to keep going on in this grey sad world.
I have obsessively looked into where my Raymond's spirit has gone.... he could not just evaporate.
He is somewhere....
My daughter helps alot so does my Mom and sister. I am actually going to cancun next week with my Mom and sister and would rather stay home and cry.
Where can I find my joy?
So far it's in alcohol.

 

Cathy, I'm so sorry. When people say 1 year and you're over it, is a lie. It's been 1/1/2 years since I lost my husband, Jack to cancer. I agree with you in the business of death I was fine. The business of caring for him I was fine only to find out I was not fine after it was all over. I got drunk one night and fell on my arm breaking it. I've become anemic from not taking care of myself, I've lost too much weight due to lack of appetite, but I'm trying to recover because there is no one else to take care of me.
I feel all you have listed here so you're not alone, I'm still wondering where is joy and I am lost too.

You have support with your daughter, Mom and sister, hang on to that. I don't have any good news for you, it's just a journey we all have to go through, push through until we see some flicker of light of hope.

But I can say this site is remarkable, the group here are remarkable. You can vent, cry, throw a tantrum and no judgements. There are some who are new to loss and some who have gone beyond the 3 year mark. There is sadness here, but there is hope. There is support. Keep the faith, my name is Karen

 

Cathy, I'm deeply sorry about the death of
your husband & soulmate,Ray, after so
many years of marriage. Your photo
shows a loving couple. Ray was too young.
It is so cruel & unfair. You are brave &
wise to join this GIC site.Karen,from
your state, as well as Debra, and
Bernadine & Ruth ,a new member, both
from Oregon , will help you. My wife had
cancer, but died suddenly in front of me,
from a pulmonary embolism. She was 68.
We were married 25 years,no children.
That was 3 & a half years ago. I was in
shock, & saw a grief counselor. She
suggested GIC, but I didn't join until,
July, of 2021. I can only tell you that I
became MORE depressed, when I
turned to alcohol. My counselor suggested
I stop drinking, 2 years after Linda's
death. I did, and sleep better & feel
better physically now. I still cry a little
every morning, but feel better when I
walk outside & see friends. Hope you
stay with us, Cathy. My wife's name was
Linda. My name is Lou.

 

Thank you cipines and va gogh!,
My sister gave me this website. I am so lost. I understand this site is for help. I appreciate your kind words. I try every day to just slosh through the muck of daily life that used to be full of joy, sunshine and promise. Where do we find any joy again when our reason to live is gone.Only a memory. I am alone. Even in the midst of other family who cares. It's not the same. No one understands what it feels like to loose the one person I built my life around and who built his life around me. True teamwork

 

Cathy, I'm so glad your sister suggested
this site. Please call me Lou. I chose
Van Gogh , as my user name, when I
joined GIC last July, but I'm not as
tortured, and sobbing, like I was when I
took the name of the tortured artist.
Also, cjpines is Karen, from California,
and Countess Joy is Bernadine, from
Oregon. I like to bring people together,
and I've been told by my younger
"brother" widower, Gary, from Indiana,
that it is one of my strengths , as the
oldest "Godfather" of the widowers. Lou

 

Hello Cathy, my deepest sympathy to you for the loss of your beloved husband. I see we are exactly the same age, I lost mine suddenly 18 months ago, after 25 years of marriage, but it seems like yesterday. I'm still living in shock and disbelief, just like you say, after having devoted our whole selves to each other, our lives being 'one', having created a special bond, an intimate familiarity, that feeling of security and reassurance, reading each others' minds, knowing what the other is thinking, speaking and making decisions as 'one person', how can he just disappear like that in a matter of minutes right in front of me and my two children? I have these 'sudden attacks' when I suddenly stop what I'm doing and cry out to my C, banging my hands on my head, asking him: 'Where are you? ". I can only say all this on this site as I feel at ease and reassured that I will be understood, just like I understand and relate to you all here. I remember about a year ago when our local parish priest came to do his annual blessing in all our homes (we live in the country, near a small village), he asked me how I was, I looked up at the sky and said I was angry with God and that I keep asking him "Why?" but was receiving no answer. He told me it was fine to be angry and that I would eventually get an answer.
Like Karen and Lou have already said, you'll find great comfort and support here, take good care of yourself.
Rose.

 

I've been reading some articles on the site 'What's your grief"and I when I read the part about' avoidance of grief' I was astounded how I was still doing just that, even after a year and a half. Apart from the fact that during the first year I didn't even have time to grieve, I spent all my time being a caregiver to my poor MIL (God bless her soul, she also left us 8 months ago) as she had been left completely alone (divorced 40 yrs ago, her other son had already died 10 yrs ago), she was suffering from dementia, had fallen, broken thighbone, operated on, returned home and completely bedridden for more than a month. At the same time I was inundated by horrific bureaucratical issues that we are unfortunately forced to face with after the death of a loved one, I came close to screaming and using bad language to all those public officials expecting me to handle tons of paperwork, being tossed about like a yo-yo, collecting certificates and other official papers. I wanted to shout out: "How on earth (not to mention the real word I'd loved to have used) do you expect me to do all this, can't you see I'm trying to GRIEVE???"
Anyway, it's really part of my personality, suppressing my feelings and being afraid of strong emotions. I know I shouldn't do that, I don't want to be like that but I cannot control this. I still end up changing the subject if a family member starts reminiscing about my C, how can I talk about him if I just break down and am unable to talk anyway? I'm ok if we just say things like: oh yes, C used to do that, say that, he would this, that....my C did all this, he showed me how to do this... "BUT if someone just wants to talk about how wonderful he was, no, I just can't, I have to leave the room and do something to distract myself, crying at the same time
.
That's why I'm grateful I found you great guys I can tell all this to. Thank you for listening.
Rose

 

Rose, woke up briefly, just now . So sorry
to hear about your MIL, in addition to
your own nightmare of grieving for
C. I had to laugh, though, when you said
what you WANTED to say to the unfeeling
bureaucrats. Linda & I would sometimes
be silent. But, other times, a WTF was
necessary. Lou

 

Good morning, dear Rose
I think that we all have ways of protecting ourselves from pain and grief is no exception. You’ll get around to facing those conversations when you’re ready, especially now that you’ve been able to see them. Navigating grief AND Life at the same time is so complicated. The things that seem least helpful in facing grief, much less learning to live with it, are the things that our modern life require of us to “settle affairs” before we can move fully into our loss. Managing our relationships with family, friends and the outside world is both triggering and exhausting.
You’re doing so well, we’re all doing so well. I’m reminded that we must be gentle with ourselves and each other, this is a challenging path to walk. Always feeling for the balance of what we can face and what we need to let be in the moment.
I’m with Lou, dropping a WTF every now and then is appropriate. I can imagine the words you had the impulse to express
~Bernadine

 

Bernadine, Deb is my hero.She can
swear like a sailor, when needed! Karen &
George are no slouches in that department
either. Lou

 

Thank you for your kind and comforting words Bernadine.
So soothing to be able to share my thoughts here with you all.
Rose

 

Yes Lou, 'unfeeling' is the perfect word, they really do try our patience sometimes, then there was the 'Covid' excuse for slowing everything down: "oh sorry, you need to phone and make an appointment for this, only 2/3 people in at a time. Obviously giving you a phone number to which nobody answered to. So frustrating. Did you know that during the lockdowns, everytime we had to leave the house for 'necessities' (food shopping, medicines or work) we had to take an "authorisation note" with us which we had to print out from a pc, sign and state exactly why we had left the house, otherwise we'd be stopped at the police block before arriving into town and immediately receive a fine. I don't think any other country had this regulation of having to fill in a special form first before venturing out. Ridiculous.
Have a peaceful day my friends.
Rose.

 

Rose, I'm glad you brought up lockdows.
Johns Hopkins University came out with a
study that the lockdowns in the U.S. were
ineffective and even harmful. Because
adults & children were stuck at home,
without socializing, depression, loneliness,
and hopelessness occurred. Adults turned
to alcohol and drugs. Children stayed in
their rooms, playing video games, instead
of going to school,, and playing outside
with their friends. When they finally went
back to school, they were forced to wear
masks. Considering that children were the
least likely to be hospitalized for COVID, this policy was absurd. The masks prevented children from seeing the
facial expressions of their teachers. This
set back their educational. and psychological development. Florida, with
its' no lockdowns & forced mask mandates,
and fresh air & exercise , fared much
better than New York , with it's ridiculous
lockdowns & forced mask & vaccine
mandates. Crime increased in NYC &
other major cities. It became obvious that
the lockdowns were all about political
control and not based on scientific fact.
The most harmful and nonsensical thing
happened in NYC. Even after COVID was
considered to be like the flu for children,
toddlers were forced to wear masks. As
much as I miss Linda every day, I'm glad
she didn't live through COVID, and the
political hypocrisy of so called leaders and
the Hollywood elite who partied without
masks, while their servants were forced to
wear them. Linda hated hypocrisy. Even
though we didn't have children , or
grandchildren, she would have been
outraged at what has happened to the
most vulnerable among us, as I am. Lou