5 weeks in an can't face the days

Rose, I cried when I read your words to
your soulmate,C, when you asked him,
"why did you leave?". I woke up from a
dream about Linda, at 3:30 am , my time,
today. I had 2 great , warm weekend days,
by the sea, & with friends. But, Mr.
Grief , or, as I call him, Cato, attacks me in
my sleep. Even after 4 years since Linda's
death, I have the occasional " hug Linda"
dream, in which we're talking with each
other. Then, as I wake up from the
dream, I realize that it's just a dream, and
that she's gone -- physically--- from me,
forever. This is a very hard concept, and it
is explored by Jonathan Santlofer in The
Widower's Notebook, in which he knows he will never see his wife of 40 years, Joy.
ever again, on earth. Bernadine said
recently that we will always have one foot
in "griefland". Karen says that Mr. Grief
will pay us a visit without warning. Robin
says our lives can be happy, but mixed
with sad. I'm grateful that I have Grief
Warriors , like you, Rose, when I cry out in
the night. We are here for each other. If
it's of any consolation to you, Rose, I was
very much like you after 2 years, but I'm
generally better with my day to day
mourning, after 4 years. The grief never
goes away, but it's more manageable
for me
now, and I try to live in the moment,
breathe, be grateful I'm still alive, and
able to enjoy nature and some friends,
both on & off GIC. Lou

 

Rose for someone who had repressed their feelings of grief you are making a strong comeback. When we express our inner feelings about grief we begin to heal. Your experiences with nature and speaking with your C cross the abyss to the supernatural realm. After reading what B posted recently I was motivated to read the chapter “we dance between both worlds” by Tom Zuba again. this is what I have to do to get temporary relief from missing my beloved Cheerful Cheryl. I can check out of reality into my dream world with Cheryl at certain times without intoxication. Recently because of clear skies I watch the stars before dawn and do a guided meditation. This heightens my creativity to feel Cheryl’s presence. A few nights ago I forgot to take my sleep med and woke at 2 and couldn’t sleep. I became angry with myself and started telling myself I needed to go back on antidepressants and make an appointment with my therapist. My recent meditation training has taught me when I’m bombarded with thoughts and feelings not to try and pray them away or use positive thinking but to just be with them. After a while I was able to separate myself from the thoughts and feelings. I’m over here and they are over there. I pressed my fingers on my eyes and in my mind I saw a sky full of stars. A cluster of stars moved from right to left then all moved to the center and a mouth appeared. It was my beloved Cheerful Cheryl kissing me. I didn’t sleep well but my attitude changed from very negative to positive. I like how you spoke of listening to the owls. Someone was talking about the same thing and said they having their mating rituals now. Gary

 

Gary, it was great to see you on GIC this
morning. First, I appreciate that you
attached "LIKE" to my early morning
dealings with Cato disturbing my sleep.
Second, I like how you referenced Tom
Zuba, in helping Rose. I invoked Jonathan
Santlofer. I've gotten inspiration from our
friends , Bernadine, with her one foot in
griefland, Karen, with Mr. Grief, and
Robin, that our lives are happy , mixed
with sad. Like Deb, I strive for more laughter than tears, as our soulmates
wanted for us. Lou

 

Rose, it's been 2 years for me and I'm seeing the world differently now. Hard to explain, but what you said here just reminds me we all may see life differently now. To me what was so important is not, things I worry about never happen, I'm respecting little things in life. So we change. Griefland changes us. As Bernadine calls it, "griefland". Karen

 

Gary, it sounds like you are practicing mindfulness. I love your description of what you are going through in a positive way. I think this forum is such a learning site for all of us. I will be on here 2 years in Dec and I can see the progress the warriors who have been on here for awhile have made since the beginning. Our struggle continues, but we learn and survive. K

 

Lou, I'm sorry I made you cry,and thank you for offering me a kind consolation referring how you felt the same at two years and that this grief will become more manageable. I love hearing about your wonderful 'hug Linda' dreams. I often dream about my C but I don't always remember them very well. I think I already told you all about the one I had where my C had come back to us saying that it had all been a big mistake, we hugged tightly, crying with joy, relieved that it wasn't true that he'd gone.

Gary, thank you for your kind words. Yes, I can honestly say that all of you here have helped me to express my feelings, something I haven't been able to do with anyone else. I was touched by your explanation of the stars you saw when closing your eyes and gradually turning into your Cheerful Cheryl.
I will take note of what you said about not pushing aside those thoughts but just being with them. Suppressing them just means they will all pile up and then suddenly come crashing down with a thud, unbearable to live with, and not being able to manage them at all.

Karen, we are at the same stage in this journey. You're so right, we really do change, I don't recognize myself anymore. Grief isn't just life-changing, it seems to cause a total personality transformation, changes in attitudes and behavior, and so much more.

Rose.