5 weeks in an can't face the days

Oh, crap, Karen, not again with your
fires & drought. I hope someday you &
your daughter can move. L

 

Karen, please think about moving out of
California, with your daughter, before it
gets worse. You can do it. You're not in
your 90s! Lou

 

How’s your garden with the smoke? I had to give my edible plants a shower. The smoke makes the sky such an eerie color. Feels stifling. We’re better than 2020 though, that year it was so much more of the whole west coast.
I’m glad to hear you say you’re ok.
I never lost connection to the site but so many of you couldn’t get on I began to wonder what we would do if we lost our way to connect with each other. Like some of the others I sometimes just sneak in and read what everyone has going on, it’s a perfect antidote to a little grieving jag but some days when you get locked in the amusement park after hours boy, I would really miss you guys. ~B

 

https://whatsyourgrief.com/our-book...tcIbGnv1DealkWEoJGOZ-Mtf9af4l1baYKulgt-PpwkE0
I’m fond of this group, they have a book coming out soon, they have lists of things about grief that feel so real and honest, what a blessing.

 

Hi it's just been 1 week Can't function, miss her so much,,I'm sorry that you have lost your love and heart,I don't think. I'm ever getting through this,,I just want to join her,,hope you reply,talk more

 

Maxximus111,

I always HATE!!! having to say this because, at times, words seem so shallow, but since they're all I have, I hope you know how very sorry I am that Jeannie, your "person" has passed away. Unfortunately, there is nothing I, or anyone else, can say or do to take away any of this total heartbreak, but I'm so glad you decided to join GIC. Joining GIC soon after my husband, Bob's death, (now 18 months, 21 days ago), was the very best decision I've made since the over the top, absolute worst day, of my life,... the day my world shattered into zillions of little pieces... Pieces that can NEVER!!! be put back together again, the way they once were...

Before I begin rambling on and on and on, something I'm notorious for around here, lol..., I want you to know that our GIC "family," is made up of some of the absolute best people in the entire world!!! I'm always amazed how strangers have been able to come together, from all over the world, from so many different backgrounds, with different interests, etc, etc., etc, and be able to pour our hearts out to each other, always providing a cyber shoulder to lean on, always ready to "listen," offer advice, but, and this is a really BIG!!! BUT!!!, in a judgement free zone. You can follow our advice, or ignore it, no matter what, we will be here to help support you, in whatever ways we can.

Backing up a bit, I almost forgot to tell you a little bit about myself. My husband, Bob, had been sick for many years, but it wasn't until the beginning of 2018, that I had to become his full time caregiver. By the time he passed away, he had a specialist for just about every body part. Watching my once so very strong, in every sense of the word, husband, slowly wither away, until he was just a shell of the man who he once was, was way beyond heartbreaking... My husband used to be the one everyone else went to when they needed advice, or something repaired. Bob had many interests, a great sense of adventure, loved traveling, meeting people, and making his friends and family laugh. He had a wonderful sense of humor, always finding a way to make me smile, no matter how bad a day I was having. I'm so very grateful for the 35 wonderful years, I was able to spend with Bob, the one true love of my life.

Enough about me! I want to give you some suggestions, things that helped me when I was where you're at now, just beginning, for lack of a better word, this miserable journey, we've been forced to take. Please be very gentle with yourself. Don't try to do too much at once. Take care of the immediate issues that need your attention, let everything else wait. I found keeping a daily list of things I needed to do, helped me survive. In the beginning, getting up, getting dressed, brushing my teeth, combing my hair, might have been the only things on my daily to do list. On days when I was feeling a little stronger, I might add making the bed, putting together a shopping list, etc, etc., etc... And, there were those days, when getting out of bed seemed like too much of an effort. I was fortunate because I didn't have to go back to work, so there were many days, when I wasn't able to accomplish anything, other than waking up, getting out of bed. The one thing that I found most helpful, and still do, is to get outside, connect with nature, take long walks... I know not everyone is physically able to do this, but for those of us who can't walk, just sitting outside, breathing in fresh air, listening to the sounds of nature, seems to help.

Lou, a good friend, who I "met" on this site, recommended two very good books. The first is "Permission To Mourn," by Tom Zuba. This is the book I found most helpful. Unfortunately, Tom Zuba's advice comes from years of experience. Tom's baby daughter died, his wife died, and also one of his son's passed away. Their deaths didn't happen at the same time. It's a short, easy read, but packed with lots of valuable advice. The other book Lou recommended is "The Widower's Notebook." The author Jonathan Santlofer's, wife, Joy, passed away. He openly shares so much raw emotion, lets us take a look inside his life with Joy, his life after her death, and the ways in which this over the top heartbreaking experience changed him, morphed him into the person he became, once Joy was no longer able to be with him (physically). This is one of Lou's favorite books.

I don't want to flood you with way too much info too soon, so will end this here, but, and this is another one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, before I go, I have to tell you that, although you might not believe me now, things WILL!!! get better. After having lived through this absolute hell for over 18 months, I can finally say that I've reached a place where I can smile again, laugh again, although all of these moments are laced with tears. As Robin, another good GIC friend, describes it, life becomes a combination of happy mixed with sad. I find it to be a very bittersweet existence, but, and this is a very BIG!!! BUT!!!, I will gladly take bittersweet over the alternative.

Backing up a bit, although I no longer believe, as I used to, in the beginning of this miserable journey, that we heal, I believe that we gradually get used to living our lives without our loved ones being able to be (physically) present. The timeline for getting used to living our lives alone, is different for each one of us. Some of us make it here sooner than others, but if you do all the hard work that grieving forces us to do, (allowing yourself to feel all of your emotions, expressing your feelings openly with those you feel closest too, repeating the details leading up to your loved one's death, until you no longer feel the need to do so, some of the excellent advice from Tom Zuba's book) you will eventually find that you're crying less, smiling more.

As happens all too frequently lately, I like to blame it on widow foggy brain, I lost my train of thought, so stopping here. Most likely a good thing, as I know I was beginning to ramble on and on and on..., writing you a book, as Lou likes to call my very L O N G posts.

I'm so glad you found us, but so sorry you had to. I hope you'll stick around, give us the chance to get to "know" you, and you the chance to get to "know" us. Welcome to our "family."

Sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Maxximus, I followed Deb's " book" to you.
Hope you saw my reply. Words can't
express how sorry I am to hear about the
so recent death of your soulmate, Jeannie.
You are brave to say her name on here.
My wife, Linda, died suddenly in a rehab
unit right in front of me. She was 68. We
were married 25 yrs, no children. May I
ask your name? My name is Lou.

 

Maxximus111,
I’m happy to see you posting here where we can write more. I’m so very sorry for the sudden loss of your wife Jeanie. Nothing can prepare us for the loss of our one and only. Our other half. We don’t feel whole any more. I lost Ron very suddenly also. We were having a normal Saturday, doing yard work running errands and visiting my daughter. I made us chicken soup for dinner and then at 9:30 things went from normal to scary and at 11:30 I lost the love of my life to a massive heart attack. Prior to that moment there were no warnings, Ron was healthy. We thought. We were married 41 years and all sudden I’m alone. Being alone after being together 24/7 is scary. It will be 4 years in a couple weeks since that horrible night changed my life forever I didn’t want to go on and still today I ask myself how am I still here. I don’t know. But I do still want Ron to be proud I’m his wife. Everyone here understands your pain and what you’re feeling. It’s only been one week, time doesn’t really heal but it does make us stronger. I hope you have family and friends offering support. Remember you’re important, take care of you. Jeanie wants you to be ok. , and she’s a part of you. You each helped mold yourselves to people you became. Jeanie will be a part of you forever. Visit this site often, I credit this site for helping me get to where I am today. One day or moment at a time. You have friends here. Robin

 

I'm so sorry for your loss! I get what you are feeling because your loss is so fresh. Im glad you are here and reaching out. It does feel like we'll never heal. I no it hurts but you'll get stronger to deal with it as time goes by. Reach out anytime. Take deep breaths get plenty of air. Please give yourself time without any pressure. I hope you have people around you for support.

 

My heart goes out to you Maxximus, I'm so sorry you lost your beloved soulmate. You've done the right thing joining us here. We are all going through the same pain, so we can relate to you and understand exactly what you're going through, and believe me, it will help you sharing your thoughts and feelings. I lost my husband almost two years ago, suddenly, at only 57 years of age. I get by living my life as if he's still here, just not physically, continuing his legacy, carrying on his unfinished projects, making decisions in a way that I know we would have agreed on together. He's a part of me and I'm a part of him, so while a part of me died with him, I still have MY part of him that will always be here.
It's important not to suppress your grief (a mistake I made), so just write down anything you want, whatever comes to your mind, we are all here to 'talk' and 'listen'.

Sending you comfort and strength.
Take care.
Rose.

 

Rose, woke up , with tears in my eyes,
from a dream that Linda & I were about
to kiss, after a stupid argument . Mr.
Grief still pokes me, once in a while.
usually in the middle of the night, like
Cato attacks Inspector Clouseau ( played
by Peter Sellers). It's as if he doesn't want
me to forget Linda ----after 4 years----as if
I ever would, after being together for 25
years. I admire your bravery, La Rose, in
taking time from your own mourning for
your beloved C., to reach out to Maxximus,
who I hope will stay with us. Louster

 

One year and one day.
For some reason pissed off seems to be my dominant emotion. Especially when inconvenienced.
At the same time I am learning to sit so still. I watch the light in the bedroom change throughout the day, just like a year ago.
It went quickly cold and wet here last week and nothing interests me so I just keep adding layers of clothes until there’s a break in the weather to finish the transition to living indoors. Back to wearing his sweatshirts, ugh Ugh stupid grief. It now shows snow in the 10 day forecast.

Welcome Max…
Deb, I am truly amazed at the length of time you had the added role of caregiving. Exhausting of mind, weary of body, aching hearts. Always brushing up against difficult conversations or decisions. That is a very long time to extend that much of yourself to someone. And for Bob and you to be there together through it all. Hat’s off to you girl.
~B

 

Bernadine, for some reason, I woke up,
wide awake, around 4:30am, my time ,
just like yesterday. I had a lot of dreams
about people I know, and unresolved issues. This was better than yesterday,
when I woke up crying about Linda not
being by my side physically,now or
EVER, as Jonathan Santlofer says in his
book, The Widower's Notebook. I went to
my friends on GIC, & pointed out that
even after 4 years since Linda's death,
Mr. Grief can attack me in the middle of
the night. I compared him to the Cato
character in the Pink Panther movies ,bc
he attacks Inspector Clouseau, sometimes
unexpectedly, in the night, also. Cato
makes me laugh, but Mr.Grief sure as
hell doesn't. I must say your weather truly
sucks more than mine right now. Though
depressed at the dark, in the am, when I
wake up, & too early, now at supertime,
the temps are 60s & sunny. Back in the 70s,
when I was 25, I went out west to your
area. I recall that your state didn't want
any increase in population. There were
billboards to discourage out of towners
about moving there. The signs said
something about that it was cold and
damp most of the year, I hope that's not
the case. Unlike Deb, I hesitated to reach
out to Maxximus, bc it would dredge up
my last memory of Linda, but eventually I
did. I hope be will stay on GIC, but there's
always a chance he won't. I won't take it
personally. As Tom Zuba says, try not to
take anything personally, bc it's about
them , not you. Thank you for being
here for me this early Friday morning.
I hope your days will get better after
your rough spell of anger. Lou

 

I loved the Pink Panther movies, Lou.
Mr. G and Cato are both worthy opponents, especially when it comes to those sneak attacks.
And our clocks change this weekend increasing those dark evening hours.
We also enter our Persephone time on the 6th for my latitude. That’s fewer than 10 hours a day decreasing until solstice and finally back to 10 hours a day in early February. Many plants don’t grow during this time, they stall.
Without enough daylight hours we reflect and respect this slow time of the year. And this year I believe that even more yet I still can’t abide this darkness today.
Do all people who are grieving learn to do that? Multi task but with feelings. Everyday feelings right beside grief and grief-fueled feelings. ~B

 

Bernadine, thank you for coming through for me again. I try to make every day
different. I do all my socializing with friends during the day, bc I like to be out
all day. The locals, who own shops, some
of them my friends. are happy right now ,
especially on weekends bc daytripper &
weekend tourists come to their stores,
but not as much as in the summer. I walk
a lot , with Linda's cane for balance, bc I
fell a few times last year , walking up &
down Main St. I'm struck with how many
other people, both locals & tourists. use
canes, as well. I got physically tired, but in
a pleasant way, & fell asleep after dinner .
I was amused bc when I was a boy, I
marveled at how my grandfather would
nod off at the dinner table, have tea, and
go to bed early at the same time, and wake
up at the same time , every day. I try to
emulate that, & feel healthier bc of it.
I choose not to have a dog, bc I like to be
out all day, but I see my favorite dogs on
the Neck, our promenade of shops &reataurants ( some closed for the
season, unfortunately). Woke up from
dreams at 1am , my time , bit this time,
the dreams were pleasant, stories of
friendly people I didn't know, but who
knew me by name, & greeted me warmly.
I'm determined not to let the winter
depress me. My wife's cane has a spiritual
effect on me, and makes me feel stronger
& safer as I walk along. Good to "talk" with
you, as always, Bernadine. I forget if
George came up with a clever, funny
nickname for you. His latest for me is
Lobster Man ( & variations of that, which
make me laugh). My original one is
Louster.,,,,,

 

Isn’t it amazing how the energy of something like a cane can bring us deep feelings, like safety.
I’m glad you share your good dreams along with the sad.
It feels like my feet are in different places. One foot in the world everyone else is in. But at home, in my car, and sometimes on walks with Maggie it feels like one foot’s in griefland with a couple of my close friends, my overwhelming possessions, all of TGWs, my everyday memories, my garden. These days I’m leaning heavy on the griefland leg. ~B

 

What a moving, brilliant analogy to
grief, Bernadine. You could write quotes
for Dr. Wolfelt's Center for Loss. Thank
you, once again, for your kind and
insightful comments. Lou

 

One foot in griefland. B that's so perfect -- says it all. K

 

I absolutely agree with Lou and Karen. I'm feeling just like that, even more strongly now as I approach two years, I feel like I've gone back to 'square one'. My mind is going through that day over and over again, the world is turning, time is passing by before my eyes but I'm standing still, adopting a passive role, immune to positive emotions, deep sadness controlling my state of mind. I've suddenly developed an extra sensitive reaction to nature, even if it's just listening to an owl hooting or gazing at the starlit sky, the moonlight, when I take my evening stroll out in our backyard, chatting to my C, commenting on the day's events, feeling the newly arrived cold November air which takes me back to that fatal day when I lost my soulmate. I talk to him and ask him if he can see and hear all these wonders of nature, crying out to him: "Why did you leave? Too soon?". Actually, I only lost him physically as I will never let go of him spiritually. His legacy lives on, through me and our children, thanks to what we achieved together and learned from him, his geniality and sensibility, a great inspiration to help us on our way.
Hugs to all of you.
Rose