5 months so far

Discussion in 'LGBTQ Loss' started by Dawnilith, Jun 4, 2021.

  1. Dawnilith

    Dawnilith New Member

    i've lived with my partner for about over 4 years and been with him for over 5. He was someone born with multiple ilnesses and though we all had a feeling it would happen someday i always hoped that life wouldn't screw us over and take him from me when he was barely 31..... my partner JB was the kindest man i've ever been with he loved me so much and we took care of each other and kept each other company, JB was an extremely talented artist and i learned so much from him in improving my art, he was so very smart and loved to learn and research always showing and teaching and helping me, he wasn't really healthy enough to work but i didnt care no matter what our families thought because our ability to work is not tied to our self-worth. our relationship wasn't perfect of course we still had our spats though usually over who gets to watch what, i didn't care because what we had was special and he meant the world to me. he was gay and into men but he didnt care when i started to realize i was trans/nonbinary, he still loved me all the same and while i worked hard at all my shitty jobs to make money to help us and his mom he did his part and always drove me to work, always took cae of me when i was sick, and made the most DELICIOUS food EVER. i know all those memories and special moments together aren't gone.....but it can be realy hard still to think about it sometimes when i realize how lonely i am in this house

    my spouse JB passed away so fast and so suddenly while i was at my stupid worthless job....he wasn't in any pain. it just happened quickly that he probably didnt even realize it. at least so the tests that came back say. but im still haunted by the images of coming home to him on the floor, it didnt matter what the paramedics told me to do i could already tell he was gone and it just shattered my entire world, that the first week of grieving i wanted to cease to exist. im just filled with so much anguish and hate over everything he's had to endure with his several illnesses. i have to remind myself that he still loves me no matter what just as i do him and i hope so much that he's in a better place and that he was at least happy with me during the years we spent together....i've been trying so hard to get through this the best i can and be as functional as i can, because im seriously not that old im only barely 25 and am doing what i can to salvage what shattered pieces of my life i have i right now. im living with my partner's mother cus we've been taking care of her as she took care of him since he's disabled. im on good terms at least with his family and while his mother wants me to stay i can't stand being miserable in this house of memories. so i've been saving as much as i can to move in with two recent close friends of mine who have been like saints to me in this horrific nightmare.

    i think ive been doing okay lately it hasnt been as hard as when this first started my friends even got me out of the house and i was able to have the most fun ive had since idk when. i've been doing what i can to cope with the lonliness, usually by numbing and distracting myself with cartoons cus the stories and characters can be very helpful for me personally. i still dont care if JB is here or not i still say out loud that i love him every time i go to work and go to sleep and i always tell him goodnight. i try talking to him outloud incase he can hear me about how things are or how im feeling....it...sort of helps but it fucking sucks i can't hear him back. i just wish we could have another conversation or i dont know....anyway this got really long but i just wanted to share here because ive been wanting so badly to find someone to relate to someone idk anyone like me who's queer and lost their partner and no one around me understands or can relate to me not my family. not my friends. no one. and i was with a therapist for a bit but i can't see them anymore cus i cant fucking afford a therapist cus im just a poor min wage working trans 26 yr old!!!! OH also at first i hated that in my dreams my mind already knew JB passed away even if he was hangin out with me in them but then my last dream of him which was this week made me think he was still around and i woke up and it just fucked me up so bad it was kinda worse to be honest!