49 days since time stopped...

It’s been 49 days since my Miles left this world. It’s odd how 49 days can seem like yesterday and a lifetime ago simultaneously. A lifetime ago since I heard his voice, yet the gut wrenching pain of being told he was gone feels like it just happened. My friends and loved ones have been so kind and generous to me, but now I feel the pressure building to get back into the world. Everyone says, “take all the time you need.” But do they really mean that? Aren’t they really just saying, “hurry up and get back to your normal self.” It’s hard to explain to them that may never happen. I may never be anything close to the person I was before my son died. There’s a part of me that feels victorious just for getting through several hours at a time without having a meltdown. Yet that doesn’t seem to be enough. Why can’t they just see that I’m hanging on by the thinnest of threads? Most days I feel like if a strong wind blew through me, pieces of me would blow away in a thousand different directions. Be strong, they say. Push through the pain, they tell me. You’ll feel so much better if you get out of the house and accomplish something, a friend said to me earlier. How do I explain that the simple act of waking up every day, breathing, and surviving the day IS an accomplishment for me? The pressure I feel from my friends and loved ones isn’t helping me to move forward. If anything, it’s instilling even more of a sense of panic in a mind already consumed with panic and uncertainty. Sometimes I want to scream to them that the guilt I feel for not being able to save my own child is crushing my soul. I can’t handle the guilt of disappointing my loved ones too. I know it isn’t fair that I’m not following through on all the usual things I do for them. I know this. I know that I’ve always been a woman of my word, a “fixer”, the person everyone comes to when a problem needs solved. But I can’t fix anything right now, not even myself. ~Miles’ Mom #Forever26

 

NOTE: for some reason this comment got posted up in the brown box that contained your post. It is right up above or below this, but I thought it would be confusing to see it in the brown box, so I copied it here-easier to read.)

Not one person can understand what you are going through unless they lost their child. The loss of our child seems pretty much over with for everyone else after the funeral is ended. There is no way they can begin to understand the heavy weight and heartache you are having to bear. You are right that just getting out of bed in the morning and knowing we can't see them, is a huge accomplishment.
This reminds me of something innocently said at work to me. A mother had just seen her daughter and then her daughter went back to her own home. She was lamenting (to me, no less!) she would not see her daughter until the next holiday. She had no idea what she was saying. I could have said I will never see my son here on this earth ever again, but I didn't. As I stood there letting her comment sink in, almost immediately God reminded me that I might see Shawn again even before she saw her daughter. That didn't happen. I kept asking God to take me out of this world. I didn't understand why he was gone and I was still here without him-I couldn't see the purpose in that because we were so close and did so many things together. But God did not take me and I had to reconcile myself to the fact that I am here without him. It took a long time for me to even become functional again.
People don't understand the shock of it. I couldn't even make a grilled cheese sandwich without standing in the middle of the kitchen and recalling what I needed to do first. I was a wreck and useless at work. I couldn't function because all that was on my mind was that Shawn was gone. Other mothers seemingly adjusted sooner than I did, but now I wonder if they really did or just "put on a better act" than I did.

 

Trreat yourself as good as you can. You are doing your best and no one should expect more than that out of you (although they will). Just know that they can't begin to understand. Someone else will have to be the 'supportive, strong one' for now. At this time it is impossible for you. Someone else needs to comfort and support you for a change because you are the one with the greatest need at this time. Try not to let their expectations make you feel guilty. You are doing what you can and that's all you can do. My son, Shawn, taught me a lot of things. One invaluable piece of wisdom he left with me was "don't be so hard on yourself. If you are upset that you didn't do something, then other people will be upset with you too." So after I lost him I made a promise to myself that I would not pressure myself about anything. I knew it would be the end of me if I did. You are not the same person you were before. You are different now and they will just have to accept that. Accept yourself just as you are and continue to make progress in very, very small steps-whatever you are capable of. Be kind and good to yourself. You really need to build yourself up again. I know the feeling of guilt weighing you down because I suffered with that also.

 

The morning he committed suicide he had asked me earlier in the week to stay home that day. Any other day I would have. I wanted to be home and not working, but that morning I had some other people coming in to help me with my job, so I felt I had to be there. I told him I would come home in the afternoon and we would do something together. He said that was okay and he would probably sleep all morning-he slept alot because he had a severe sleeping disorder. So I took him at his word and went to work. Big mistake-that was the last time I ever had a conversation with him. I was the one who found him. He left me a note saying he had been angry so very many times during his life, but he had let all of that go. So I knew if I ever was going to see him again, somehow, with God's help, I was going to have to be able to forgive everyone too. What a battle that was. But here I am, 20 years down the road, and I have survived, much to my amazement. So I urge you to just hang in there and let go of your expectations of yourself and everyone else's and just do what you want to and are able to. It will not always be as bad as it is now. I love and care about you. Chris

 

Hello Miles Mom. Haven't heard from you lately. Hope everything is okay-okay as it can be when you have lost your dearly beloved son. I care.

 

I know what you mean. Our friends love us and they’re hurting with us . But maybe they’re also uncomfortable with the person we are at the moment, because we are not ourselves and they don’t know how to help us. When people we love are hurting, it’s natural that we want to fix it, and uncomfortable when we can’t. Just remember they care and are doing the best they can. Meanwhile, be kind to yourself and do what feels right for you.

 

You said EXACTLY how I feel!

 

I understand the hurry up and get back to normal part. I lost my daughter 23 days ago. My boyfriend is upset with me cuz I haven't done the dishes today, I didn't do them yesterday either. I took a shower yesterday. I don't feel like doing anything today except crying and he's not the center of my world. I don't know if this relationship will last. I'm trying to be "normal" but who is normal anymore? I think we're all damaged from this world. I can't stand people saying "I'm dying" or " Just Shoot Me" Do they not understand that they are taking LIFE for Granted! I didn't get to say goodbye to my little girl, she was on life support! I hope she heard me. I'm thankful she doesn't have to be scared of him anymore. But I really really miss her! I have one child left and I'm worried about my son! I can't argue with God but I wonder if I'll find out why he took my daughter? Was it to show that the exboyfriend is Evil?

 

Dear Miles' Mom,
I'm so sorry you lost your beloved son Miles. Your grief is so very raw and fresh, traumatic too, so there is no way you can just 'return to normal'. If all you can do is breathe or lie down, that's perfectly okay. Tending to your wounded heart is all that matters now. I just wanted to reach out quickly and share this video that just came out, it's a podcast interviewing a bereft mother futher along on her grief journey. To me, only those in grief can truly understand and even then it's a unique bond and love and a unique experience of grieving we all have.

https://www.shapesofgrief.com/podca...-dying-by-suicide-amp-the-grief-that-followed
This also may be of comfort, created by a mother who lost her son by suicide: https://annemoss.com/2019/12/12/grief-journey-in-a-jar-for-a-friend-who-has-lost-a-child/

 

I too, was glad my son was no longer suffering in mental torment. His escape was my unspeakable loss. God did not take these children. Evil does exist in this world and would like to destroy all of us. When will we come to realize that we need God's help because he loves us all. He is a God of love and it is these kinds of tragedies that must make us realize that in this present world good and evil both do exist. When the time of this age is over, God says evil will be put down forever and those who love God will be able to spend eternity with him in a world of peace and love. We must wake up and choose the side of good. You will have the opportunity to see your daughter again. Death is not an end, but a beginning of a new way of life-one that no longer is threatening to our very existence. Adam and Eve made a terrible choice when they decided they knew more than God and thought that God was trying to keep something good away from them, when all the while He was trying to protect them from the knowledge of evil.
I care about you.
Chris

 

I wish we could hear back from 'Mom 2 Miles'. It has been so long since we heard from you, Mom.

 

Hi Shannon,
How are you getting along? We haven't heard from you in quite awhile.
I understand how terribly hard it is.
We love you,
Chris