4 months since I lost my soulmate to cancer

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by CraigP, Sep 19, 2021.

  1. CraigP

    CraigP New Member

    Like some others here she concealed her pain from me to protect me, I wish she hadn't.

    She was the most beautiful woman who has ever lived and although I'm only 57 I'm done with this life. I can't imagine getting beyond this pain and loneliness.
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  2. Ronpage

    Ronpage Member

    I'm very sorry to hear of your loss Craig. I have a similar story. I lost my wfe of 33 years 5 months ago to T-cell Lymphoma. t spread rapidly ro her brain and she died at home after 1 day of Hospice care. Now I am alone and 86 years old. I feel my life is over. The smallest task is hard for me to do because of my age. Every night I pray with my wife for her safety, comfort and happiness, and end with asking God to take me in my sleep and never wake up, I have considered suicide but If I do that, my religion says I will not go to heaven and I'm sure that's where my wife is. It's my honest wish to die suddenly. I have made all of my funeral arrangements so my family has my trust and directions for when that happens.
    I wish you the best in your struggle and I know exactly how you feel. It's a big lonely house now, but I see her everywhere in it,
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  3. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    Although words are totally inadequate, they're all we have, and I want you to know how sorry I am for your loss. My husband, Bob, died in April of this year. I feel like my heart has been torn in half... I understand the total heartbreak and loneliness you're feeling.

    Very briefly, my husband was sick for many years, but it wasn't until the beginning of 2018, that I had to become his full time caregiver. By the the beginning of 2018, he had a specialist for just about every body part. It was so painful to see him fall apart, bit by bit. No matter how much pain he was in, he always found something to be grateful for each day. Bob's favorite saying was, "as long as I'm on the right side of the dirt, it's a good day." Bob was a very strong, stoic person. Like your wife, he didn't want me to worry about him. He always said he was fine, even when I could tell he was in pain. The biggest reason I try to move forward as best as I can, is because I think of how much Bob wanted to be here. I feel guilty for being here, for being so miserable. Life is a gift. I know Bob would want me to be happy. I want Bob to be proud of me. I know your wife would want you to be happy too.

    This is a wonderful site. Reading others stories who are farther along in their grief journeys than I am in mine, gives me hope, that in time, I will be able to find my purpose in life again, some sort of happiness again. I don't believe that we're still here just to be miserable. Yesterday, good friends who Bob and I used to travel with, sent me a short video, of what turned out to be, one of the last vacations we were able to to take with them. I watched it three times in a row, it made me laugh each time I watched it. It made me cry too, but the tears were mostly happy tears. Another member who lost her husband prior to me losing mine, told me that eventually she was able to smile more, enjoy life again, but it is a strange feeling to have happy and sad tears mixed together. I'm beginning to understand what she means by this. Grief will always be with us, there will always sad moments, but it is possible to find joy in life again. I want to believe this. I have to believe this. I don't think I would be able to make it through another day if I didn't.

    I know what I said doesn't take away any of your pain, but for me, it helps "talking" to others who "get it," "listening" to the ways they've found to cope, with the total heartbreak of losing someone who you loved, still love with all your heart. I'm glad you found this site, but sorry you have to be here. I look forward to getting to "know" you better.

    Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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  4. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    I read your reply to Craig, and it broke my heart. I'm so very sorry for your loss. As I told Craig, my husband, Bob died in April of this year. I understand how you're feeling. In the very beginning, when I had no idea how I was going to make it through another day, I made a list of things I wanted to accomplish each day. Before I even got out of bed, I found something to be grateful for, even if the only thing I could think of was that the sun was out. I forced myself to get up, wash up, get dressed, and make my bed. Sometimes these were the only things on my list. On the days I felt a bit stronger, I would add a couple more things to my list, such as doing a load of laundry, calling a friend from "home." (I'm not from the place I'm living now). I don't know if you're able to do this, but I found getting outside, getting some fresh air, and walking helped me cope. If you aren't able to walk much, maybe sitting outside, just listening to the sounds of nature, feeling the sun on your face, might make you feel just a little bit better. A member on this site suggested that I begin keeping a journal. I added it to my list and have found it to be helpful. I am still doing all of the things I just mentioned to you. I'm still searching for my purpose in life, now that Bob is no longer with me, but for now, these things add structure, a daily routine to my life, something I desperately need.

    I also found a bereavement support group close to home which has been a great source of support for me. Just my two cents, take it or leave it, but I'm thinking if there is a bereavement support group near you, it might be a good source of support for you too. The social worker who runs the bereavement support group I attend, always tells people to try at least two meetings before deciding whether or not to return.

    I wish you didn't need to find us, but glad you did. You are not alone. We are here for you. I hope you will visit us often and find some comfort in sharing your feelings with us. I hope you will find that some of the things that help us cope, help you cope too. I look forward to getting to "know" you better.

    Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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  5. CraigP

    CraigP New Member

    Thank you all for your comforting words.
  6. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Hi Craig,

    At first I didn't think an online support group would help me get through this, but sticking around here, getting to know others going through a similar situation to mine, has been one of the best things I've done for myself since my husband passed away. I'm glad to "see" you here this morning.

    I hope you have at least one reason to smile today....

    Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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  7. Jeff K

    Jeff K Member

    My wife died just over a month ago from alcohol. She drank because of her mental pain which I had no idea was as bad as it was. She came into the relationship with some demons and they got worse and added to over time. She actually told me several times (since she started drinking) that she faked being happy lots of the time. But I didn't know how to handle that and still don't.

    I'm 47 and also don't know what to do with myself. I've been working my 40 and spending a lot of home time cleaning up and go through things. That whole "keeping busy" thing. But during my play time (video games, internet, basically sitting at my computer), nothing is fun and I get anxious. It's weird because she slept a lot the last few years, so my daily routine (mostly alone with our 3 cats) hasn't really changed much, but knowing that she is not in the next room or that we will never even occasionally eat a meal together or play cards or something drives me crazy.

    Hopefully posting here will help us. I feel a little better all ready just responding to a couple people and having read a dozen or so other's stories so far...just joined the other night.

    good luck to us all
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  8. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    I'm very sorry for your loss. I need to get outside and take a long walk, it helps me cope with the total heartbreak of losing Bob, my husband. Although the situations surrounding our spouses deaths are different, grief brings us all together in ways that only those of us who have lost someone who they loved, still love, with all their hearts can possibly understand.

    I'm glad you found us, but sorry you had to. I'm glad that you're already feeling a bit better being here, knowing that you're not alone, that all of us are here with you, as we struggle to rebuild our shattered lives. I'm looking forward to getting to "know" you better.

    I really need that walk, so stopping here.

    Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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  9. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Jeff, welcome to Grief in Common. As my
    friend, Deb, said to you, I wish I didn't
    have to welcome you, under these
    terrible circumstances. I see by your age,
    that I'm old enough to be your father
    ( where did the time go?). I met Linda, my
    wife, in our mid 40s. We married late in
    life, 1st marriage for both. What was your
    wife's name? As I told Deb, and others here, it helps to say one's spouse's names,
    to keep that person's spirit alive. Hope you
    will stay with us, Jeff. Lou
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  10. Jeff K

    Jeff K Member

    Thank you Deb and Van Gogh.

    My wife is (I don't know if I'll ever say 'was') Jennifer (Jen). I had just turned 20 when I met her in person (met on AOL 1000 miles apart). She was 26. Being shy in high school, I never had a gf. She is my one and only.
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  11. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Jeff, just woke up and was pleased to see
    your reply to Deb and to me. I'm glad you
    stayed with us. It's good that you said
    Jen's name.I see that you live in Colorado.
    I went out there to see a friend, who was
    my college roommate. Like many of us, he
    didn't know what he wanted to do after
    graduation, so he got a job working in a
    mine. In his spare time, he drank--- a lot.
    Everyone thought he was a funny guy,
    but we didn't see the depression under
    the smiles. I lost touch with him. One
    day, reading the alumni bulletin, I was
    shocked to see that he died, from cancer,
    at 50. My friends texted and emailed
    each other. We were all saddened, bc we
    pictured how he was, when we all had
    fun. It has taken quite a while, but now,
    I talk with one married classmate, and
    we're actually able to laugh at some of
    our good times, with my roommate. My
    grief therapist asked me to write down
    all the funny phrases Linda used. I couldn't
    do it at first, bc I would just sob. A couple
    weeks later, I tried again. Now, I quote
    her to friends, who didn't even know her,
    and we can even laugh. I want to keep
    her spirit alive, because, as you said, she
    was ( and someday, you will say was, bc
    she's not with you physically, but she is,
    spiritually) the love of your life. Since
    you're online, you may want to look at the
    Center for Loss site. If you tell them your
    email address, they will send you a
    different quotation about grief, every
    morning, via email. I contacted Karyn
    Arnold, who started Grief in Common, and
    she thought that site was wonderful. I know I said a lot here, Jeff, but writing is
    an outlet for me, and I just let the words
    flow. My user name was Van Gogh, bc he
    was a great painter, but a tortured soul,
    like I was, right after Linda died. You can
    call me Lou. Write to me anytime.
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  12. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Craig, I just saw your reply to Jeff, and I'm
    so sorry to hear about your wife's death.
    My wife's name was Linda. She died
    suddenly, in front of me, while doing
    physical therapy, to help her walk, while
    battling cancer. I had PTSD, and didn't
    want to live. I had to see a grief counselor,
    bc of my suicidal thoughts. When COVID
    came, I continued grief counseling, but
    over the phone. My therapist suggested
    Grief in Common, which I didn't join at
    first, but now, I'm glad I did. As my good
    friend, Deb said, welcome to our group,
    even though I wish it weren't under these
    horrible circumstances. In the past, I have
    communicated with only widows here, but
    it's important to talk with widowers, like
    you and Jeff. May I ask the name of your
    wife? It helps me to say Linda's name, to
    keep her spirit alive. I see that you live in
    Australia. I live on the Massachusetts
    coast of the USA. I feel bad that your
    country is going through such a scary
    time bc of the pandemic. May God help us
    all. Lou
  13. Erick

    Erick Member

    My name is Erick I’m 39 years old October 5 will be 8 months since my wife passed away she was 40 years old .We we’re together for 16 years have 2 children 12 and 14 year old .My wife passed away from aml leukemia on February 5 .She was first diagnosed on December 24 2019 after a routine blood work she had no symptoms of any type .I took care of my wife watched her go through it all from the beginning to the end .The grief continues stress worries it’s a constant on my daily life .I remain focus on raising my children and being there for them and always making sure they are as happy as they could be with the love I give them .I know I will never truly heal from the pain of loosing my wife just have to find a way to deal with it .I miss her daily and I miss my family we had simple things in life having breakfast together going to the movies dinners sitting the backyard watching the kids play etc .I just tend to worry a lot and stress people tell me im doing a amazing job continuing to raise my children but im doing it broken .Im just hoping in time things will get better for me emotionally mentally and have a little peace .
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  14. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Erick, so sorry for your wife's death, at
    such a young age. May I ask what her
    name was? As I told others here, it helps
    me to say my wife, Linda's name, to keep
    her spirit alive. She died suddenly in
    front of me from a pulmonary embolism,
    while undergoing physical therapy to help
    her walk, during her cancer treatment.
    She was 68. We had no children. Linda was my best ( & only) friend and family. I
    had PTSD, and didn't want to live, until I
    sought grief counseling. We can never
    "get over" grief, Erick, but somehow, we
    have to get through it. Our spouses
    would've wanted us to be happy. Linda
    made me promise that when she became
    ill. I've met a widow on this site, Deb. We
    help each other every day. I suggested a
    book by Tom Zuba, Permission to Mourn,
    which you may find comforting when you
    can have the time. He was suicidal, but
    managed to live on, mostly bc, like you,
    he had to raise his children. Welcome to
    this site, Erick. Until recently, I emailed
    only with widows. Now, I'm in contact
    with Ron, Jeff, and Craig. I'm glad that
    men like us feel free to open up, and even
    cry. I cried when I read your story. I've
    learned to be more compassionate to
    others since Linda's death. Lou
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  15. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    Although words are so inadequate at times like this, I want you to know how very sorry I am for your loss. My husband, Bob, passed away in April of this year. My husband had many chronic health conditions, cancer being one of them. Very briefly, from the time he received his first diagnoses in 2005 (type 2 diabetes), to the time he received his last diagnosis in 2020 (Parkinson's Disease), I watched Bob slowly slip away. I became his full time caregiver in the beginning of 2018 when his health began spiraling downhill rapidly. It was the beginning of the end.

    Although we share the total heartbreak of losing our spouses, our "person," and we were their full time caregivers, our situations are different because my children are adults, living very full and interesting lives, all of them living very far away from where I'm living now. I didn't have the added responsibility and stress of having to take care of my children, trying to help them adjust to slowly losing their father, and at the same time, trying to make sure that they're as happy as they possibly can be. From the very little I "know" about you, you are a very strong, loving person. Your children are very lucky to have you for their father. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must be for you to raise your children, while going through the most earth shattering, heartbreaking experience of your life. My heart goes out to you...

    Another member, Jim, on a thread he started several months ago, wrote about all the little things he misses in life since his wife passed away. Like you, Jim, and so many others, I miss all the little things in life too. I miss my husband and I going grocery shopping together, making special dinners together, enjoying quiet evenings at home..., watching movies on the couch, our arms around each other... Taking long walks by the ocean... sitting on rocks overlooking the water, watching the sunset...., I could go on and on and on.... but will stop here.

    I'm so glad you found us, but so sorry you had to. I hope you will stick around and find this site as warm and caring a place as I do. It has become my safe place when I need to "talk," or just "listen," to how others are coping with the most challenging moments of their lives. I'm looking forward to getting to know you better.

    Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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  16. Erick

    Erick Member

    Hello Van her name was Viviana she was a great woman ,wife , mother ,friend a fighter never gave up .She was a nurse worked very hard for our family .We did everything together she was my soulmate my twin flame we sometimes didn’t even have to talk to know what we were both thinking or about to say .We we’re so connected spiritually mentally emotionally physically.I watched my wife suffer and I suffered watching her go through the battle and I’m still suffering living with out her now .She enjoyed this time of year the fall the holidays it was her favorite time she was big on decorations.So with the holidays coming up it’s been more emotionally and mentally draining knowing she’s not here and not coming back .I feel sometimes I’m in denial and have yet to accept it .Our children are my engine and I’m going to continue to raise them as best I can and will never give up because she fought till the end .
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  17. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Craig, thank you for telling us your wife's
    name, Viviana, a lovely name. I cried when you said she was your "twin flame",
    bc that's how I felt about my wife, Linda.
    We were married 25 years, and were
    inseparable. That makes it harder for us,
    bc it was as if our hearts were ripped out.
    Linda loved the fall, too, and decorated
    for each holiday, like Viviana did. Like
    Erick, raising your children is your
    "engine". I hope I'm addressing you,
    Craig, bc I also replied to Jeff and Erick
    this morning. Up until recently, I "spoke"
    with only Deb. It is good, though very
    sad, to share our grief, as widowers. Before this, I also heard from Ron. My
    user name was Van Gogh, but you can
    call me Lou.
  18. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Deb, I just saw your kind reply to Erick. I
    had forgotten that Bib had Diabetes 2,
    before Parkinson's. That was awful for
    him, and for you, as his caregiver. Linda
    thought she was cursed since childhood,
    and had a negative, half empty view of
    life, except for her love for me. No one
    knows whether she would have been
    sick regardless of her attitude, but I
    wonder if she gave up in the end, After
    being sedentary with diabetes 2, a vicious
    circle, then breast cancer, then walking
    with difficulty with a cane, and finally,
    lying down a lot in a hospital bed, and in
    a bed at the rehab. unit. It was heartbreaking to see her deterioration from a woman who could walk with me,
    explore new adventures, and look forward to activities, despite her inner sadness.
    Thank you for reaching out to the
    widowers here. I replied to Jeff, Craig, and
    Erick this am, in addition to Ron, recently.
    I asked each of them the names of their
    wives. It's dark and raining right now,
    but Kim is picking me up later today,
    instead of our usual Wed. Hope you're
    OK, Deb. It's hard to start the day, in such
    an emotional way, but we need to help
    each other, even if it makes us cry. Lou
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  19. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Deb, so sorry I called your husband, Bob,
    "Bib". Sometimes, I'm so impatient to
    get my words in an email, that I get
    sloppy. Also, I'm not used to writing to
    several people, besides you, but it is
    healthy for all of us. Lou
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  20. eyepilot13

    eyepilot13 Well-Known Member

    Wow! I so get it! is all I can say cuz My Valerie was my best friend for 34 years and I saw her dying and I was there and now I feel like NOTHING!!!!~
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