It took me 22 years to start feeling. And it was all grief. To understand that the only thing "wrong", was suppressed grief. I grieve the loss of my father d/t divorce and immigration, the loss of my home, my country, my family, my cat, my friends. Everything. Over night. For just about a quarter of a life time. I grieve now, 22 years later. Not only did I have to start at full zero. I also had to cope. But I swallowed and just got on with life. Over 22 years later grief hits. Big time. For the first time in my life I understand that I lost close to everything. And there's no substitute. No other human being can fill the void. No amount of money. No amount of entertainment. Nothing. Ever. It's this void I was afraid of all my life trying to cover it up of fill. How wrong I was. I understood the hidden strange feeling which has been my constant companion for 22 years. It was always there. Every single minute of my "after life". I never listened but tried to silence it through whatnot. This feeling suddenly is gone and my body is filled with grief, disappointment, sadness, hurt, regret. My chest feels sick, hurt and sorrow. A feeling, erupting in tears from time to time. But there's more of it split seconds after the eruption. Like a never ending venom created by your very own heart distributed efficiently throughout the body. How much is there, I wonder?
