18 months from losing my husband

After Pat died I sold my home and moved closer to my daughter and friends. I began teaching yoga and doing personal grief work and working with my local cancer support organization. I began exercising and meditating more. I cut ties with people that were cruel or soul suckers.
Some people thought it was too much too soon but it all helped me through the pain. You cannot recover with poison in your life. Grief is hard work. One must make life as easy and free from unnecessary misery as possible to complete their griefwork. Deb is suffering because of her work situation. I hope she finds a way to resolve this situation and heal. Grief is unavoidable but some suffering from other sources is avoidable.

 

Once again, Jan, you & I are on the same
page in getting toxic people out of our
lives. You and I are about the same age,
and both of us expected Pat and Linda to
grow old with us. But, as Tom Zuba says
in his book, Permission to Mourn, it was
theirtime to go "home". You and I know
how precious and short life can be. Many
of my college classmates have died. The
alumni bulletin doesn't give the cause of
death, so I find out from friends, after the
fact. I know I'm lucky to be in reasonably
good health, and still have my mental
faculties. Seeing friends, taking walks
outside in nature, listening to music, and
having a sense of humor, sustains me.
Every morning, I say a prayer of
gratitude, by the timeless ocean, that I'm
still alive and able to breathe the air. Lou

 

Dear Deb,

Thank you so much! For me, it’s hard because I always want to do and be better, and I just feel like I’m constantly asked to do more and do it better. I’m 55 years old, and I can’t keep seeing my job grow with less time and then also be asked constantly to do it better. As a special education teacher, I have many students who are not interested in school, so making all of them excited about learning is intimidating and challenging. Most of them didn’t get enough sleep for a number of reasons, and most of them didn’t eat breakfast. They’re out waiting for their buses at 6:20 a.m. I just don’t feel like enough for anyone anymore, and if I am damned for saying that, then I give up. I’m really trying so hard but NO ONE sees it. Only Steve, and he is not here. That is absolutely TUTTAM! Thank you, Deb

Deborah A. Missing Steve

 

Hi Lou
This was a precious lesson. I also have gratitude for my blessings. Sunday will be Pat's birthday. I miss these special days with him but also just the everyday sharing with my beloved. So much of his last 2 years was consumed with treatment for his cancer and hope that he would be able to live reasonably well. He never complained. In the end he wanted MAiD but opted for a surgery to relieve his back pain. Probably for me and his one daughter. Never did I think he would be so mistreated by the hospital I worked for for many years. When his daughters (except the one) did not see him his heart broke even more. Watching that woke me up to who will enrich your life and who are the soul suckers. If I really value my life's energy and want to honor Pat I must live my best life as I hope he would if the situation were reversed.
When people are deep in grief it is so hard to care for yourself. Each baby step creates strength though. Often strength you did not know you had.
I hold Deb in my heart as do I all of this community and beings everywhere. There is a path to peace and I hope she finds it. This supportive network will help.
Jan

 

Thank you, Jan, all the way from Canada.
You and Rose, from Italy, are the only
members of other countries on GIC right now. Like my dear
friend, Rose, you are a welcome addition and inspiration to what I call The Grief
Warriors ( TGW) here. Your tribute to Pat's
birthday, after all the suffering he went
through, is very moving. I choose to
honor and remember Linda's birth date,
rather than the date of her death, like
the way we honor the birthdays of
famous leaders in our country. Lou from
Massachusetts, USA

 

Deb I can’t imagine being a special education teacher. A friend of mine was a special education teacher and I heard many horror stories. My niece Laura was a English high school teacher for 13 years. The last 3 years got progressively worse for similar reasons to yours. Laura quit teaching and got a job in a liquor store and worked there 5 years. Now Laura works in a bank. I remember working in a high school right after the Columbine Massacre. The students were cussing at us construction workers through the windows. The school administration did nothing so we started cussing them back. Schools are very hostile environments. Can you give yourself permission to quit and research other job opportunities? Sending you encouragement and hugs. Gary

 

Yes. Birthdate! With joy. The day something wonderful came into the world that was not there before. Not death date so much. These are all signs of healing. We grow around our grief and loss and it changes us in so many ways. I remember the tender and joyful times more now than yhe horror of that last year.
I hope we can support and inspire others.
Thank you Lou.
Jan

 

I hope Deb considers this option. Her skills coupled with her grief experience will be very desirable in many professions.
Hold her in your heart and send strength.
Jan

 

Thank you Gary, I appreciate it. My mother taught me that if life is hard, it means God is punishing me for my sins. I could never teach my children this, but it is (foolishly) somehow in my bones that Steve’s death and all of the pain that he endured was somehow the result of my selfishness. I am trying to let it go.
Love and hugs.

 

Deb, take it from me. Guilt sucks, and is
unfair. Steve & Linda loved us unconditionally, and vice versa. Lou

 

I hear your story... the same for my bestie Valerie. We were together 34 years until that black evil cancer took her almost exactly 2 years ago. Be kind to yourself! NO GUILT! GIC people are the greatest help!

 

Thanks THE DEB! I was a 7-8grade science teacher before kidney disease put me on disability. then a couple years later Valrie dies! I don't know myself any more! GIC friends help so much!

 

NO GUILT! Guilt is evil and hateful to yourself!

 

Me too with my Valerie... 2 years in 9 daze!

 

Deborah, I'm sorry you're going through this. God is definitely not punishing you and has no reason to do this anyway. Guilt in grief is a real monster, I'm living with that too, I just can't shake it off. Could I have done more? Why didn't we realise it was serious? He said it was just bad indigestion, if we'd called emergency earlier? He would have laughed at me if I'd suggested going to hospital, even though it did occur to me for a second but then I thought I was just exaggerating thinking this. It was also the first day of another Covid lock down (Nov 2020) and hospitals had strictly advised the public NOT to go to Emergency unless absolutely necessary. Every second of my life I go through those last moments of my poor husband who was fit and healthy, very strong, no signs of any health issues. Just a keen smoker. (He'd never gone for a checkup either, though, "typical" for someone in the medical profession).
I relate to Lou in this way, I keep seeing those images in front of me, that lasted more or less about half an hour, and then another 30 minutes or so when the paramedics tried insistently to revive him. OMG, I better stop now, or I'll have a meltdown.
I'm sorry you're having problems at work, your teaching job sounds very difficult and challenging, requiring a lot of patience. I admire you for your stamina, hang in there Deborah, or if you really can't handle it, with people around you giving you a hard time, not appreciating your efforts and skills, well, then your own mental and physical health come first, please remember that. I taught English as a Foreign Language for many years to Italian students of all ages, but that is nothing compared to your particular profession with special students. By the way, you and I are exactly the same age, we are peers (is that the right word?).
A hug to you.
Rose.

 

La Rose, I just woke up at 6:30am ,my
time, and read both your "hugging"
dream reply to me, and your very
moving last day of your excruciatingly
traumatic experience with C.,which would
be his last day with you on this earth.
If you haven't already done so, I strongly
recommend The Widower's Notebook, a
memoir, by Jonathan Santlofer. I suggest
you start reading the book in the morning,
bc it's not for bedtime reading. I cried at
the beginning, bc his wife of 40 years, Joy,
died suddenly in front of him, like Linda
did, in front of me. I had to put the book
away, but a week later, I started reading it
again. I'm glad I did, bc Jonathan's book is
a story of a marriage, with both tragedy and humor. He explores all the issues we
talk about on GIC: reliving the end of our
soulmates, guilt about not "saving" them,
crying uncontrollably, then, eventually
smiling at the good times. He also has a
chapter, entitled : Stupid Things Said By
Smart People. I was so taken with his book.
that I emailed to thank Jonathan, not
thinking he would take the time to reply,
but he did. He was compassionate about
my story. I had said he was like a brother
I never had. He brought me to tears,when
he wrote that he was proud to be my
brother . Now , I have new brothers on GIC: Gary , George, Chad, and new member
Joe, if he stays with us. Lou