Shocked finding out someone I loved died many years ago

Here I am again, after almost 4 years of remembering and grieving for my dear friend that committed suicide. I thought I would describe my journey over these 4 years of finding out that someone I dated 45 years ago, committed suicide 33 years ago. First know, I am still remembering him daily. Every day...yes, every day. Even his sister would probably be surprised. I feel he must know in heaven, and he would probably be surprised too, how his being affected me. I wasn't meant to meet him I did not search....but suddenly he as there and I felt like I knew him forever and our friendship...love...whatever it was...was not new, but familiar. We only had a summer together and he had to go to the mountains and I had to follow my now husband to whole life far away. I reflect now on how I may not have been a great choice for my friend, even if we did end up together but then who knows? It wasn't written in the stars. He was a hiker, a bicyclist, a runner, a skier....I was a book reader, who sat at home writing poems. Our souls, however, recognized each other. He was just too good to be true. Part of my grief in this journey was the guilt that I ended it. He was moving but I was the one to say we couldn't see each other anymore. The guilt for hurting him, has taken all of these 4 years to forgive myself. After the excruciating grief ( that my husband accepted), I now can smile at his pictures, kindly given to me by his sister. I actually got rid of the 2 pictures I had of him because they churned my heart, but I eerily found one....how could that happen, in a sea of pictures of my life!! Today, I say hello and goodnight daily. I send flowers and wreaths to his grave...he was a vet. I no longer blame his very young girlfriend for emotionally abusing him and I pray for her too. The whole event of finding out he passed ( so random!!) and my deep, painful response has been life changing. I keep reminding myself, it is only love. Love is what I feel everyday.

 

Thanks for sharing what you have been experiencing since you found out about your lost love. On this topic in this thread, we all have one thing in common and that is the love we had and have for a long past love. Of course there are differences in our stories. In your case, you say that you ended that relationship. In my case, no one actually ended anything, but she seemed unattainable and my weak mind took an easier more readily available path. So you trying to forgive yourself for ending it, and I am beating myself up for giving up so soon and not pursuing and waiting to see what might have been. There is one other glaring difference between our two stories, unless I misunderstood. It seems that you have shared everything with your husband. Is that correct? I have not shared my story/feelings with anyone (save the one far removed person who did not respond and here on this board a month or two ago). As I mentioned in my last post, I have not shared out of embarrassment and fear of hurting anyone. You have bridged those concerns it seems in your situation.

 

No, my husband does not know the extent of my grief. He has not seen the folder of my writings over these years ,and I cry silently when alone. I had to tell him int beginning because my grief was so heavy. He knew when I was dating this man that summer because we had taken a break. When he saw how depressed I was, he kindly said he was glad there was someone there for me during that time. Other than a few mentions of him to my sister, I quietly carry his memory with me. I claim that summer and the memories as mine. I would never suppress them even if my husband was bothered. Thank God he is not. This love, this far reaching love is to be celebrated. I think of the few other men that I briefly dated, and I would not collapse if they passed. This man, however...too good to be true..............

 

Thanks for your reply. I am glad that by sharing some of that with your husband that there have been no negative repercussions. As I mentioned I have not shared and at my age and stage of life I will not do so with anyone close to me as I do not wish or see the point of possibly hurting anyone. As maybe you feel though, I do find it a bit of a lonely (and maybe some other kind of feeling I can't pinpoint) carrying this only with myself. I was glad that I came across this site as at least it is providing one form of release for us to share our emotions. Life is truly a roller coaster and as I have aged, it seems to have flown by. Heck, in a few months it will be 3 years since I found out about her passing. Sometimes, too, I find that this that is residing in the back of my brain makes it a tiny bit more difficult or irritating to deal with other life's challenges that crop up. Take care. Hopefully this outlets helps us.

 

A similar situation affecting me. A young woman I became friends with 40 years ago, who subsequently moved to Texas a couple years later. I never saw or spoke with her again except for a couple times, though she asked me to visit her often. But we were so young, and Texas was so far away. No internet, etc. I’ve kept some of her letters. Just found out she died in 2016 (age55) from liver disease due to alcoholism. She was divorced with no kids. I’m haunted by the thought that had I pursued a relationship, her life may have turned out different. My life has been good, with good career and wonderful family. It’s crazy to ponder this. I’ve told my adult daughter and she thinks I’m nuts to let this bother me. I dunno.

 

Well, all I can say is that your daughter is not going through the same thing as you. There are a number of people who have found this site and have decided to post their feelings. You have to assume that those people are such a tiny, tiny minority compared to those who have the same feelings but either never found this site or just not interested in sharing. From what I have read here, it may be quite normal for us to have these feelings.

 

I found Rob67 and SueM's stories on Google. I would really love to hear from both of you. This is my story and its very recent:


I'm 66. In the 1970s as a teen I dated a guy who was my first true love. We ended up becoming separated due to distance (I didn't drive at 16, he lived an hr away and lost the use of his mom's car bc her new job required it all the time).

I married 8 yrs later, had kids, etc. I always wondered where J was. I searched but didn't find him. I assumed he married too.

I was thinking about him 2 wks ago and decided to use my phone to look him up. I found his obituary: he died 3 yrs ago.

I have been in deep mourning ever since.I tracked down his sole surviving relative, a brother. His brother said he moved to my old neighborhood in 1993 and stayed there till he died.

The apartment he moved to was 2 city blocks from where I was then living with my husband and children! I never knew.

He saved my picture for 50 years. His brother found it in his apt after his sudden passing. He texted me a copy. His mom had taken the pic of us together.

I'm obsessed and can't stop thinking of him. I understand now why 3 movies I saw in the 90s had affected me so deeply: they were about long lost loves who died.

I traveled by bus to my old neighborhood to stand outside his apt, the last place he was alive (he died in the apt, his brother told me). I hung a rosary on the doorknob that I got from a charity yrs ago. Oddly, 2 days later that same charity mailed me one again, almost exactly alike).

The apt was across from a park we used to sit in in the 70s as teens, feeding the birds and getting close.

J's brother said he never married or even dated after me.

 

WOW! I can so relate to this, Im glad you found this site. Its a confusing feeling. I think part of it is havent seen them in so long, want to know what they looked like and how they felt about life and what was going on with them. At first I would go to the cemetary and spend a couple hrs just letting all my grief out. It hurt so bad to know like you, he was only 2 blocks away! You are very fortunate that you were able to reach out to a family member and get a response. It never goes away. This site and the people helped me through this. Everyone is here to support eachother

 

I just googled ...

 

I dont know why its so big but just letting you know I found this the same way!

 

Hi Sue, thanks so much for replying so fast. I just learned 2 wks ago that J died in 2023. His brother said the landlord stopped by and found him passed. The autopsy said bladder cancer.

I can't stop crying. I loved J more than anyone, and my husband was someone I married on the rebound. We are still together after 43 yrs but distant for several reasons. I sleep in my own bedrm due to sleep apnea, which is probably good bc I have J's picture with me framed and it helps me get to sleep and wake up.

The only man I ever truly loved is gone.

 

Its not just that he was 2 blocks away for 9 yrs until we moved....his brother told me his landlord stopped by his apt and found him dead. The autopsy said he died of bladder cancer. I researched it and found that if he had gotten medical care it has a 98-99% cure rate. If I had known where he was I would've gone there and made him get to a dr.

My grief is so deep right now; J was a drummer in a rock band in the 70s and I can't even watch old videos of the Beatles and Stones bc I see the drummer and it reminds me of him.

 

Do you know where he is laid to rest? Can you visit? That may help a little

 

Its over an hr away and I don't drive....but I'm trying to find someone who can take me.

 

It has been a few months since your post, so my question is whether you did find someone to take you to the cemetery?

 

Hello,
I am glad to have found this thread as I am in the same boat and I have been feeling very weird and confused about it.

He was someone I was very deeply in love with, for around 5 or 6 years in our early 20s. We had a complicated relationship I won’t bore you with the gory details of, suffice to say he brought out the best and worst of me, and loving him was simultaneously the most exciting and the most painful thing I ever experienced.

The ending lacked finality as we were never officially “together.” We more just had an extended timeline of stolen moments, as we were not supposed to be together. I guess because of that there was never a sense of closure or knowing “well we tried and it didn’t work.” We just opened our hands, let go, and continued being friends on the surface, moving on with life and eventually losing touch since we both moved cities in adulthood.

The last time we spoke he was married and had just had his first son. I was happy with a (now ex) boyfriend at the time. We joked about how one day if we were ever both single again we would meet up in Hawaii. I didn’t take it too seriously but over the years it would cross my mind if he came into my thoughts.

One day, in Hawaii, I would smile to myself.

Life carried on. Neither of us had social media so we hadn’t been in touch since that last text conversation, about ten years ago now. I met my husband, fell madly in love, and we started a family. I really love my life and I am happy.

But the other day I woke up after dreaming of my long ago love. Then later in the day, I recalled our last conversation. Then after that, a song from our time came on- and usually when I hear the song, I remember the intensity of that time. But this time, I felt this flood of dread and I KNEW in my heart that he had died.

I searched for his obituary and I found it immediately. As if I knew exactly what search terms would locate it.

He died suddenly in 2022. He was so young, only 35. I guess he had a heart attack and was home alone with only his kids so no one could help. He was in a coma for a week and then passed away.

Since learning of his passing, a lot of old memories have been coming back to me. I have had to cry a few times, and for the first few days I thought about him obsessively- the same as I did when we were in each others’ lives. I told my husband the day I found out, I just said I was feeling sad because I found out someone I used to love and be friends with died. I mentioned one other time that I was feeling sad about it, but it feels weird to talk to him about it.

The grief feels foreign, like it doesn’t belong to me. It’s confusing and I really don’t want to have all these memories and feelings brought up, because it was a very intense and often painful time in my life. There was love, sure, but much more heartache and longing.

I have had thoughts of regret over losing touch or allowing circumstances to come in between us at that time- but it makes no sense, because as I said- I really love my family, I’m happy with how my life ended up.

I think he was just my first “crazy” in love. Maybe that never dies in your heart.

Anyways, thanks for letting me share. I just thought it might help. It’s helping me to know other people have gone through this kind of weird, delayed grief for someone they had already let go of. It’s like a stranger’s pain you can’t step out of.

It sucks ☹️

 

Thank you for posting this, I’m glad you found us. I related a lot to what you shared. What really got me was that you dreamed of him and heard a song shortly before learning of his death. I’ve had a similar experience and it makes me believe there is still a connection with that person, a spiritual connection. Also, you reminded me that it was the most painful, as well as wonderful time for me. I had temporarily forgotten about how painful it was. Thinking of you and hoping you find peace!

 

Thank you for reading and offering support. It has really helped me a lot knowing that this feeling isn’t that strange, it’s normal and other people have gone through it. ♥️