Feeling of guilt after hospice medications

I've been feeling like after being a caregiver my whole career and then spending a decade caregiving my Mom, medicating her during her last days for comfort purposes I keep cycling back to the knowledge that it she might have rebounded again and still be here with me. It's the kind of Schrodinger's Cat scenario and part of me feels relieved that she's at peace but also feeling like if I had done things differently would she still be alive and well. After loosing my Dad when I was 14 I only want to save lives and having a distinct feeling of guilt that I could have been the reason my Mom is gone now too.

 

I feel like that was me writing that. I was the caregiver for my mom. She lived with me for over 15 years and about 4 years ago she was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and started to show signs of dementia. Her dementia progressed quickly. Toward the end she had so my agitation and started to not know who I was and considered me the enemy (I was not only her daughter but we were best friends). Seroquel was recommended but it started to have a paradoxical effect on her so the hospice nurse suggested to put her in-house hospice to get her medication under control. She specifically said she would be home in a day or two as soon as they figured it out. So transport came to get her and by the time I got there, she was snowed...they pumped her so full of phenobarbital that her kidneys couldn't get rid of the toxins. She died 4 days later. Why? Why did they do that? I got no answers from them. They told me she was transitioning. She wasn't transitioning when she left my house! What happened? I am devastated. I never got to talk to her again. I never got to say good bye. I never got to tell her how much I love her. I not only have grief, I have traumatic grief. I will never get over this. I have so many horrible memories that I can't get out of my head. I cry all day every day.

 

I am sorry for your losses and sorry you did not get more support here. If you are still active, I want you to know that feelings of guilt are very normal and common after the death of a loved one. Our mind wants to say we could have done or shouldn't have done this or that and if we had they would still be here. I think it is our attempt to bring our loved one back if only we could change the circumstances. You did everything you knew to do at the time and I know you loved your mom. Spending a decade caring for her must have been a great sacrifice on your part and you have nothing to feel guilty about.
I have found the only way to rid myself of the guilt is to confess my feelings to God and then to leave it there with Him. He knows us better than we even know ourselves and He loves us regardless of how full of faults we feel we are. Who would sacrifice their whole life and suffer tragically as Jesus did if He didn't love us unconditionally?
Please let us know how you are getting along. People here care and can understand these strange feelings and thoughts that come with losing someone you have loved so much. We really are not in control of things as much as we think we are. God is in control, He loves us, and He has a good plan for each one of us is we will let Him work in our lives.
Sending you peace and love,
Christine

 

I am sorry for the loss of your dear mother and for the tragic circumstances that occurred. What a shock that must have been. I can't imagine the overwhelming feelings that must have hit you. You made the decision you made because you thought it was in her best interest. You had no way of knowing how awful it was going to turn out. I can understand how overwhelmed you must be feeling. Probably none of this makes any sense to you at all.
When we lost our 28 year old son to suicide, my husband said exactly what you said, "I will never get over this". This is not something that a person really gets over. It is a walk of grief and something we learn to adjust to and try to move forward the best we can, slowly but surely. It is very good for you to be expressing your feelings as you have because sometimes it helps to bring some kind of order to all the chaos you have been through. I found as I talked no one had to say anything or have an answer because as I talked, God helped me understand things better. He always had an answer for all the questions that were bombarding me. God loves you. He will listen and He can help you and comfort you if you will talk to Him just as you are doing with us. The scriptures tell us to cast our care upon Him for He cares for us. The proof of how great His love for us is, when He came to this earth and suffered heartache and pain and even took our place of punishment. You need never doubt His great love for you and His desire to help you through this huge struggle you are going through.
Please continue to share your feelings here as you feel led. We care and we understand.
Sending love to you,
Christine

 

I found this post and am writing here because I am also having a hard time with these same type of feelings. I was the decision maker and caregiver for my mother in law. She passed away on hospice about 6 months ago. We were placed in a position of trying to care for her and make her decisions after she started declining from her longstanding end stage liver disease. She was almost 80 and could not get a transplant and also had diabetes, some congestive heart failure and kidney disease. It seemed to make sense after a few trips to the hospital and she was not really eating much, struggling with daily tasks, complications and was exhausted all the time to switch her from home health to hospice. We were trying to keep her in her apartment and bridge care for her with visits, family help, caregivers to avoid assisted living or skilled nursing for as long as possible. After being placed on hospice she was steadily declining over a couple months but still seemed somewhat with it and could get around with her walker. She had a swift and sudden decline over a weekend so we gave her the comfort meds and she had a very peaceful death. It is hard for me because in my mind I keep replaying all the details of her care, medication decisions and wondering if there was something we should have tried to reverse or if we should have tried more procedures or hospital visits and she would still be here. Logically I know it would probably have extended her suffering (end stage liver disease is horrible) and not given her more meaningful time but I can't erase these feelings that I have done something wrong and my decisions robbed her of more time! I am really trying to rest in knowing God determined the timing and she was spared from so much suffering with a quick and peaceful decline but the grief has been very complicated and traumatic for me. I wish there was a specific support group for caregivers facing these type of struggles. If anyone knows of any groups that address these specific type of issues I would love to join.

 

I am sorry for your loss and for your pain and struggles. You might check out Griefshare.org. They have many options and you might find something there to assist you.
May God grant you peace.
Chris